Heavenly Peace?
I think not, lol. Hey everyone! Long time no see, eh? Sorry for the long delay between posts. Figured ya'll needed a break from my ranting and raving and whining anc complainging (no comments from the peanut gallery) Anyway: HI! Can you say stressed? Well, whether or not you can, that's what I am. Definately and for sure. I can't wait for little shop of horrors to be over, 'cause honestly, I'm about to die. SO much drama in the theater department *sighs again shaking head* I just hope I don't become involved in it all. To those of you who usually talk to me on AIM, sorry I haven't been on lately. I'm avoiding unpleasant conversations, and avoiding another computer crash. I'm surprised Internet Explorer is working right now. I've been trying to get it to work for about two weeks now. Maybe my luck is changing? Well, when mom gets home, I have to ask if I can work w/ ajay and his dad over spring break. I can't stay in this house, its stressing me out SO much. Dad's been a pain in hte butt again. I feel so bad.. I mean... how would if feel to be unwanted by your whole family? I mean i understand that he hurts me and I feel unwanted by him all the time, but no one in my family wants him. But he doesn't seem to care, he pushes us all away. If he didn't push me away, I'd gladly care for him and support him. But he hurts me and mom. MOm adn Dad have been fighting alot over me lately. ... well because of me at least. I dont' know why he hates me so much. I mean, he's apologized for saying he never wanted me... but i dont' think he meant it. I don't think he cares I'm never home other than the fact that he can't yell at me and I'm not there to be his personal assistant and take care of everything for him. Mom wants to leave him. I know she does. She's told me. THen again, she's told me that every time we've gone out for hte past 3 years. And, despite how much I love my father, I can't stand the man. I need him gone. But whats the point in kicking him out now... i'm leaving soon. Then again.. mom hasn't had any.. well.. 'affection' in about 6 years. I mean.. >.> dad's tried *EW!!!!!!!!!!* but like.. can you blame her for not wanting him? EW!.. might i say again? EWEWEWEWEW!!!! ok, i'm done.. wait.. one more EW! ok, now i'm done. Anyway. She doesnt' deserve to be treated this way. I mean, she doens't even kiss him. I can't go a week without flipping cause I haven't kissed ajay... then again, I'm a hormone crazed teen. Eh, whatever. I just feel bad for mom. She and I went out shopping last wednesday... and we were talking. She told me that she's not mad at Ajay for calling the cops on dad. She's actually happy he did, it made her realize how much was actually going on when she's not home.. and how serious things really are. Its not just a simple accident, its an attack. She told me she was mad at Dad, because he was lying and saying I attacked him first in order to get me in trouble, to get me arrested. Why would I do that? I mean. I pushed his wheelchair away after he started going after me, and stopped when I saw it tipping. That is not at all attacking him first. Damn lier. And mom is even more pissed that Nana was backing him.. and she wasn't even there. Nana acts all friendly towards me now.. but like i said.. its an act. She doesn't care bout me either. I think the only reason she and pups MAY go to Little Shop, is because that's his favorite movie. Who cares that their granddaughter is student directing, and head of the costume/make-up team, and performing in it, I know they don't. But, oh well. I really don't know what to do with my life. I just hope to God I can get outta here soon. Get out on my own, and make it. I don't want to come back here.. cause then what will I hear? "I told you so" from that lazy old man. I don't know who to trust at school anymore either. There are very VERY few people at school that I feel I can depend upon 100% without something being spread behind my back, or being called a lier or an exaggerator or whatever. So many people at school are double faced. I have to be honest, i'm nice to many people at school that i don't like.. but I only dont' like certain things about them. I know I whine about becca alot cause we bicker all the time (and i'm usually whining at her anyway) i mean, i love becca, she's a doll, but like most people i perform with, i hate her as a performer. I love jessie as a person, hate her as a performer. Its only because when alot of these people are in performance mode... they are in their "i'm best for this part, thats why i have it, shove off" mode. Well, I may be exaggerating, but you know what I mean. And I'm sure I do that too to a degree (but more of a "i'm a chorus member, i strengthen the chorus cause i'm cool!" attitude.. but bitchier) *sighs* Sorry for this endless ramble, I just haven't had anyone to sit down and talk to.. and if you're reading this still, then where the hella re ya when I need to go on a rant? lol ^^; anyway. Ajay was sick for a while, and I got really upset, since I've been stressed.. I got a phone call today from him, his mom didn't want him to come over today. Needless to say I started getting upset, 'til he said he'd come anyway, cause I really needed a hug. I mean.. no one at school comes up to me for a hug... and it makes me feel unwanted. I mean.. I love making people feel good by just randomly hugging them.. but what about me? Everyone I approach.. I hug htem first, or ask for a hug.. who walks up to me for a hug anymore? I mean.. its not that hard... I do it all the time. When I'm aiding mrs. yemm... a lot of times I feel used... not by mrs. yemm, not by the aides, and not by the class.. but by all of them together. I feel like i'm expected ot know everything and do everything. I mean, I'm glad mrs. yemm trusts me to handle a lot of these situations, but why can't becca and heather take a little more of the workload, and why the hell can't jason do anything but sleep? I mean.. I know becca tries and all.. but half the time, I'll be working my ass off, and I see her sitting with heather talking and laughing while jason is off in some corner asleep. It really hurts, cause I feel used. MRs. Yemm and Ms. Noble seem to be proud of me and my strong work ethic, and I'm proud of myself too.. but I feel that if I don't lighten my load... I'm just going to break down again. I graduate in 2 months, and I'm no where near ready... to be honest, I've considered dropping out, but then I think: "It's only 2 months, I can make it" I've already paid for grad night, I've paid for graduation and my family is coming down... i can't give up now. I don't think MOm has realized how hard I've been working either. I've been doing everything I can to help her out, by doing things for her so that she doesn't have to worry. I paid for my honors stole, for gradnight, for a bunch of my meals while i'm out, and now i'm trying to pay for my trip to tampa. I'm always working.. this weekend.. I never left the house, never got changed (well, til today, cause ajay came over) i spent 2 and a half days in my pajamas... and i still wasn't relaxed.. my mind was always racing, always trying ot think of a way to straighten something out. my life.. is just crumbling around me and i'm the only one trying to build it back together. mom misses me cause i'm never home but she doesn't want me around my dad, dad hates me so he doesn't care that i'm gone, but i ahve to do everything under the sun for him, i try to be a good student, but i always feel so confused doing classwork, yet my grades stay above average, I mean, nothing is really crumbling, but yet, why do i feel so torn down and worn out? I've heard alot of people saying they're gonna spend spring break relaxing.. where's my relaxing? I just now got up on a month of pure exhaustion, and i'm still tired. I don't get my well deserved break because i'm too busy trying to help everyone and everything and myself. i just need a break, and i'm not gonna get it. The only thing keeping me together right now is ajay... because thats the only thing i'm sure bout. I knwo i want to be with him, i know i love him, i know i want to have a family with him and i never want to leave him, and I know he wants the same, so I know it will work. If you've read all of this thank you so much for paying the time and attention that i've been craving, and just to let you know i'm not cryying, i may be close, but i'm not. Please, just keep my in your prayers, I just need a little boost right now. I'll ttyl. Sayonara