i figure one more time to close this all out.

Jun 26, 2005 12:20

well so everyone knows this will be my last post because i feel that i shouldnt have to type in this to tell ppl how i feel i should be able to tell people how i feel. just a recap of everything thats happoned since i started this thing, i told erica how i felt about her... that backfired on me. next got a cell phone, lost power because of the hurricanes, oh one good thing... i turned 18, got drunk alot, had one of the worst days of my life with seeing that dog get hit by a car, then the best thing ever happoned to me. Tracy. then a little more tracy and some more tracy then we started dating which was a major plus. had one of the most amazing nights of my life when i finaly gave myself to her. got myslef a job because of a few speeding tix, i lost my two best friends mike and joey, (i wish everything was like it was back in november, especialy the 19th or so, got a little scared one day, almost got rabies, some more tracy, my dog died, then i had to bury shadow, made tracy feel uncomfortable what else is new thats all im good for, then got another ticket, oh yea... got my shitty ass car and it broke down at jasons b-day, failed the ACT and SAT because im good at failing, spent more money, little bit more of tracy, and my car broke down again, and to top it off some more tracy. does anyone see a point to all of this. the only good thing to happon to me in the past atleast 3 years is my girlfirend. which we arnt doing so good right now. i guess i have jsut screwed up everything and now i think she see's how i people wonder how she could be stuck with me for so long. since we moved in together everything has gone to shit and i dont think we can live like this anymore. its tearing us apart so fast. i think that since we started to live together we've noticed that we arnt PERFECT for each other. hard as it may seem. well i cant say that i havent loved the time i have spent with his because i really have but i think were realizing that either this wasent ment to be or we just jumped into this way to fast. i cant imagine losing her but we cant keep living like this. and even tho i dont want it to come down to that i wouldnt ever lose her because she is and always will be my bestfriend and we will be forever. now that i see the way i have treated her for the past 8 and a half months i dont know how she could still feel the same and i know that she doesnt but i dont blame her for it i can only balme myself. this is why i told her i wish i met her after college because im so stressed out with this whole moving and i know she is too that were jsut clashing. when we moved up here it took alot out of me it affected our relationship for the worst. all i can say is that im sorry for all the pain that i have caused to her and thats it... im just plain sorry. i know my appologies mean nothing now, but for what its worth im sorry. im not easy to get along with. it seems like the same thing everyday. we wake up, eat breakfast one of us goes to work, then the other goes, then she comes home, gets all ready for bed, then i come home late for her to just go to sleep, not that i blame her for that i know she has been working har but usualy when i get home at 12 im not tired and she needs sleep but then i go to be and theres a "goodnight, goodnight" we roll over and theres the night. its starts all over again. like today.... she works 11-8 and i work 6-12. shes goes to work, then i go to work, i come home late and tonight she'll probably be in bed. i cant blame her for that but it seems more like a roomate relationship. well i guess this is what i deserve. she tries so hard to make everything work but i think that were both starting to see the enevitable (but its not that we really want to). sorry tracy i guess we only ment we wanted to be together forever when you didnt have to put up with me being an asshole 24 hrs. a day. atleast back home you could leave for the night and you would have time to re-cooperate. i think you might understand why i say "you deserve better and how people wonder how you could put up with me for this long." you really deserve better. and it means anything to you... i have been true to you. i promise. and by true i mean just that. you have been the only one in my life. nothing has happoned with anyone even though that my be hard for you to believe. and it never even crossed my mind either. This is a little msg. just for tracy. If the enevitable does happon even though we both dont want it to happon i really do want you to know that i really dont think anyone will ever love me the way you DID. i want you to know that i will always love you and you will always be with me at heart. your always going tobe my bestfriend and i dont want to lose you too like i did mike and joey for a while. but that doesnt do you any justice. you mean more to me then both of them combined. i want to thank you for all the good memories you have given me and thank you for all the memories that are still to come. if anything does happon between us i want to know that you will still be a friend of mine. more then a friend, a bestfriend... someone i can confide in like i do now. im sorry that i dont confide in you as much as i should but i always think that if i let you in on everything in my life you would be scared away. but i guess not telling you anything scared you away even more. i love you and i want you to know you were and always will be my first love. i really am in love with you, not like the love like 8th graders... this was real love. im sorry.
well this is the last thing i will ever write in here so you dont have to keep checking up in here for anything else. sorry for boreing you into reading this i feel like i needed to write this after i read somthing. sorry tracy. love you.
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