(no subject)
Things are really good right now. Towards the beginning of the year I hit a low point for me. I was meeting with my pastor and he asked me what I thought I was good at, and the best answer I could come up with was "getting by." So much has changed since then. So much so that I thought I would make a list of comparisons.
Then vs. Now
my faith - I have started to look at God outside the context of Christianity. I realized that my faith does not really work inside that framework, and instead of trying to justify my faith, and show how it is true to Christianity, I have accepted that it isn't. This is hard to verbalize. Before, it was my faith that was flawed because it didn't follow the doctrine of my religion. Now it is the doctrine that is flawed, because it doesn't encompass my relationship with God.
There were things about Christianity that I couldn't accept, and I used to ignore the big issues, like the God of the Old Testement, and most importantly Hell, and justify the smaller ones (issues of inequality, etc), but that left me and my faith feeling inadaquate. Fact is, the God I know and love would never desire a heaven/hell situation. I wouldn't want that for anyone, and I'm human and flawed. I don't believe that a perfect God could have feelings in their heart that justify that. I don't like the idea of a jealous God who will reject us if we don't understand. Jealousy is a flawed emotion, and not worthy of the God in which I believe. Some may say that the God I know is flat, but I don't believe that negetivity creates complexity.
The hell issue is so central to Christianity that I am now re-evaluating my whole doctrine. There are so many questions now: Without hell is there sin or evil nature? Is there Jesus? Does God still desire our service? Is there a point to a relationship with God if it is not a ticket into heaven? Is there a heaven? I still believe in morality, but what actions are moral? Are there punishments for immoral actions?
But even with all of these questions, and all of the searching ahead of me, I feel more at peace then I have in a long time. I am able to be myself with God again.
my image - I am not really sure what created this change, but lately I feel much more confidant in myself. I've always felt like a plain jane, and I think I used to try to cover it up and make myself seem interesting, but recently I've realized that no one is considered plain by the people that matter in their lives. Fact is, we choose friends because we find them interesting. Many characteristics factor into that, but they colmonate in an overall interest. So I guess I am no longer pretending to be interesting, but actually believing that I am.
my future - I am starting to really pin my future together. Last August I had no real direction. I had planned on being a pastor since middle school, and I panicked when I realized that I no longer wanted that future. I didn't know any other options. I was thinking seventy different things, and not pursuing any of them. I have since seen my future come into focus. In early November I applied for the Peace Corps, and I was nominated (meaning I am about 90% in) recently. I have become oddly interested in the family. I feel like so much of who we are is based in our development. I have had a supportive and loving family environment, and I cannot stand the idea that the family would be a place for abuse and neglect. Therefore I have decided that I either want to work with victims of domestic violence or child services.
my self worth - I have had many things go right for me lately. Last year I had a few negetive professional experiences, and it really wore on me. This year it has been just the opposite. I applied for two jobs, not feeling that I was qualified or deserving of either. I managed to get both, and they have been so positive. The ARA position has been amazing. My boss has become one of my closest friends, and my staff is really close knit. I even enjoy doing all the additional paperwork. The RA aspect of the job has changed completely, and I have the most wonderful residents. They are respectful of themselves, eachother and me, and it has made such a difference. I have also been working in the psych lab, facilitating programs for first-year women about sexual assult. The program is about two hours long, partially scripted, and partially up to me to facilitate discussion. The professor who runs the program is so supportive, and being in an environment where I taught women about sexual assult risk reduction was really eye-opening and important to me. I feel like I am good at something, and could make a contribution to society.
I am no longer "getting by" but excited about life. And I feel ready for what life may throw at me next. There has been so much change, and I am really thankful for it. I finally feel like I am growing, adjusting, and moving forward, instead of trying to get the old me to fit into new circumstances.