(no subject)
I love this place. It's like my online fortress of solitude, where I can pour out my thoughts to no one in particualr and still feel safe. In the days of Facebook and Myspace, it's so great to have a barely used place like Livejournal. It brings me comfort.
Life just about now is hard. Things with friends are trying my spirit - grace seems to be something that God is force-feeding me right about now. And not just me not being judgemental or giving grace to others - me accepting grace myself, which I think is harder than all the forgiving and all the words put together. See, if I write to say i'm sorry, i'll be admitting that i'm the one who needs grace. And that's hard for a perfectionist to do.
I've gotten better, no thanks to my own doing. Like, since Africa, God has gotten ahold of me - I see myself in a whole new light. I actually like myself now - I didn't before, and I looked to other people to like me so that maybe, just maybe, i could like me. That's why, I think, I didn't let this thing with Dan go any farther- I was happy with me, and I didn't need him to make me feel better. I knew what God though of me, and for THE FIRST time in my miserably short life, i'm happy with me, shortcomings in all (if I wasn't there's no way on this earth i'd dare to wear the dress i'm wearing to the opera without being shy and quiet all evening, worrying about how I look). You see, journal- my failures don't bother me as much as they used to. Yancey does wonders for the soul - so does Weight Watchers- with God infused into them both. My lack of money or boyfriends or designer bags or the fact that no one seems to care what I think except for God - the fact that those arent in the way gives me something to grasp ahold of in this life that makes me feel worth it.
I always feel like i'm rambling in this journal, so i'll quit while i'm ahead. I'm not really happy- more like content. Satisfied. Able to enjoy my life simply as my life.
I'll leave you now.