UKay is sad...
More to the point, I'm upset. This morning, I wrote a funny short story about Lucius, Draco, and Hermione and I was basking in the humor that my brother found in it. I'm not usually considered funny, my intelligence isn't well-coveted, and one of the few things that make me happy also frustrates me to no end. So when after getting home from doing whatever mom and me did, mom started talking about presents for Judy (step grandma, but still well-loved in our family) and asked if I'd finish a painting I started a while ago for her birthday coming up, I said yes.
Why did I say yes? I'm not good at painting, especially not good at painting stuff for other people. This is why I gave up trying to paint for others, because I simply lose my nerve and my hands start to shake and the paint just goes exactly where I don't want it to go. I can't control my water when watercoloring, I can't... well, you get it, at least on the surface.
The painting that she was referring to was a half-finished painting of a lighthouse during a storm. I was doing VERY well on it, highly unusual for me, actually. The first snare in the plans was a rip in the canvas, roughly an inch long. But it was okay, I taped it up and painted over it, and it was fine.
I did great up until I started painting the lighthouse itself. The storm looked awesome, the clouds were doing what I wanted to, the trees looked awesome, the cliffs had just the right kind of shadows on them, just the barest light from the lightning bouncing off them.
The first mistake came when I started painting the lighthouse building bits, the column leading up to the light. I couldn't get the lines to lay straight and my hands were shaky. Then I tried the light. I should have just left it alone and came back to it later. The paint from the body (red) was apparently not as dry as I thought it was. So I had all this pink paint spreading EVERYWHERE, all over my nice clouds, all over the lightning. Just all over the place. So I keep going, trying to fix it. David comes up and asks me whether lightning had STRUCK to lighthouse.
So I go upstairs to see my mom and show her and her face just crumbles. "What did you DO to it?" she asked.
I'm sure she didn't mean it the way it sounded, but I already know that it sucks, I already know I screwed up, and the look on her face just destroyed me. So one of the few things that make me happy right now is just... and to make matters worse, I can't put the painting away in the closet because David's painting is there and it needs to dry first. So it is sitting less than a few feet away from me, just MOCKING me, making me feel ten times worse because I KNOW I could have done it better, and now I've got at least several HOURS worth of work to fix it again. And it probably won't look near as nice as it did before I fucked up.
Put all that on top of the fact that my Dad is smacking me in the head every time he passes for "not cleaning all day" (and he passes by me a lot, at least once every ten minutes). Add that on the fact that David and Matt both wanted me to cut their hair tonight and my hands are still shaking and I'm just trying so hard not to cry. I've lived through worse - been mugged, raped, watched suicides, been stuck in a mental institution - and yet this... somehow this is worse for me. It's a slap in the face. I practically live and breathe art and writing, yet whenever I attempt something worthwhile, something I can be proud of, something or someone smacks me down before I can reach what I want.
Let me tell you guys a secret, because I know my mom and family will never be able to read this. I never wanted to become a teacher. I wanted to write books, be an Art director on film, draw character designs, draw comics... The only reason I'm in school to be a teacher is because mom said that I gave it my best shot to be an artist and I failed. It's "time to face reality and get a decent job."
Maybe she's right, if I can't even finish a painting as a present. I've never done one of the writing gift exchange things before, so I can't say anything for that.
The trouble is that I can't do it without money and I can't work and go to school at the same time because I get ill doing that. I can't spread myself too thin. Damn it my hands won't stop shaking and I keep hitting the wrong keys. I'm going to put this under a cut so you guys don't have to have it clogging up F-lists. I'm sorry if I wasted anyone's time.
Why did I say yes? I'm not good at painting, especially not good at painting stuff for other people. This is why I gave up trying to paint for others, because I simply lose my nerve and my hands start to shake and the paint just goes exactly where I don't want it to go. I can't control my water when watercoloring, I can't... well, you get it, at least on the surface.
The painting that she was referring to was a half-finished painting of a lighthouse during a storm. I was doing VERY well on it, highly unusual for me, actually. The first snare in the plans was a rip in the canvas, roughly an inch long. But it was okay, I taped it up and painted over it, and it was fine.
I did great up until I started painting the lighthouse itself. The storm looked awesome, the clouds were doing what I wanted to, the trees looked awesome, the cliffs had just the right kind of shadows on them, just the barest light from the lightning bouncing off them.
The first mistake came when I started painting the lighthouse building bits, the column leading up to the light. I couldn't get the lines to lay straight and my hands were shaky. Then I tried the light. I should have just left it alone and came back to it later. The paint from the body (red) was apparently not as dry as I thought it was. So I had all this pink paint spreading EVERYWHERE, all over my nice clouds, all over the lightning. Just all over the place. So I keep going, trying to fix it. David comes up and asks me whether lightning had STRUCK to lighthouse.
So I go upstairs to see my mom and show her and her face just crumbles. "What did you DO to it?" she asked.
I'm sure she didn't mean it the way it sounded, but I already know that it sucks, I already know I screwed up, and the look on her face just destroyed me. So one of the few things that make me happy right now is just... and to make matters worse, I can't put the painting away in the closet because David's painting is there and it needs to dry first. So it is sitting less than a few feet away from me, just MOCKING me, making me feel ten times worse because I KNOW I could have done it better, and now I've got at least several HOURS worth of work to fix it again. And it probably won't look near as nice as it did before I fucked up.
Put all that on top of the fact that my Dad is smacking me in the head every time he passes for "not cleaning all day" (and he passes by me a lot, at least once every ten minutes). Add that on the fact that David and Matt both wanted me to cut their hair tonight and my hands are still shaking and I'm just trying so hard not to cry. I've lived through worse - been mugged, raped, watched suicides, been stuck in a mental institution - and yet this... somehow this is worse for me. It's a slap in the face. I practically live and breathe art and writing, yet whenever I attempt something worthwhile, something I can be proud of, something or someone smacks me down before I can reach what I want.
Let me tell you guys a secret, because I know my mom and family will never be able to read this. I never wanted to become a teacher. I wanted to write books, be an Art director on film, draw character designs, draw comics... The only reason I'm in school to be a teacher is because mom said that I gave it my best shot to be an artist and I failed. It's "time to face reality and get a decent job."
Maybe she's right, if I can't even finish a painting as a present. I've never done one of the writing gift exchange things before, so I can't say anything for that.
The trouble is that I can't do it without money and I can't work and go to school at the same time because I get ill doing that. I can't spread myself too thin. Damn it my hands won't stop shaking and I keep hitting the wrong keys. I'm going to put this under a cut so you guys don't have to have it clogging up F-lists. I'm sorry if I wasted anyone's time.