Having Read The Book - NC-17
*rolls eyes*
Guess who is first to post???
Title: Having Read The Book
Author: shocolate
Requestor: lizardspots
Claim: A day in the life of the Room of Requirement
Rating: NC-17
Summary: The RoR has seen it all - even Snape’s arse.
Warnings (if applicable): mention of various het and slash pairings.
The title is from A day in the life, by The Beatles, and supposed to make you laugh before we even get started!
Many thanks to mrsquizzical for the upside down beta, and to magicofisis for the demangling of my tenses, and to me and abigail89 and magicofisis for running the hp_funnyfest and giving all of us a good laugh before the carnage in July.
Having Read The Book
****
Rowena Ravenclaw was the greatest Legilimens the world has ever seen; her delicate touch and intuitive interpretation of what she had seen drove Godric Gryffindor frankly batty. He always thought that what he and Salazar Slytherin had got up to was their own business and he took her to task on more than one occasion about her nosey parkering.
That was before my time, of course, because she sacrificed part of her Magic to create me.
Oh! Let me introduce myself!
I am the Hogwarts Room of Requirement - ‘Reqs’ to my friends, of who I have many, but they are mainly architectural features…
So. Rowena was like a mother to me - gave me her initials and everything, and I thank the maker - Rowena, again - that everyone else was busy that day.
Salazar was excavating dungeons, or he’d have called me the Suite of Specification; Godric was building towers, or I’d have been the Grotto of Grants; Helga was laying lawns, or I’d have been the House of Hankering.
So, dear Rowena gave me the art of Legilimency, to see into a wizard’s mind and find out exactly what he requires, and a dash of what her boyfriend at the time called ‘Timelord Science’, so I can be whatever size and shape necessary.
The others helped, of course.
Uncle Godric layered subtle powers or Transfiguration and Conjuring into my stones, so I could provide whatever a wizard wished for. Auntie Helga created a fiendishly elegant Duplicating Charm that meant I could reproduce any book or scroll they needed - no matter that it hadn’t been written yet!
And Uncle Salazar taught me everything I’d ever need to know to satisfy their sexual wishes - and that didn’t need any clever autoupdating element, because, no matter what the little darlings think, there is nothing new under the sun as far as sex is concerned!
Actually, they had something of a falling out about it.
The history books may say - and I know, because I Duplicated them to check - that the big falling out was over Pureblood fanaticism, but you should have heard how angry Rowena got when she saw Salazar use me to create a Sultan’s boudoir to tempt Godric into.
Anyway.
I was originally created for individual research and study, but, well, times change.
It’s usually an easy enough existence - yes, there are hundreds of people in the building, and I can reach far beyond my corridor and amuse myself by picking up the strangest wishes - there was a girl in Hufflelpuff in the late seventeenth century who dreamt of oranges, day and night - a chap in Ravenclaw in the twelfth century who was ridiculed for inventing the handkerchief and dreamt of strangling people with it - there are always dreams of thighs and broomsticks - some sexual, some Quidditchical - Gryffindor Tower is usually full of freckled fantasies, and the dungeons are seething with desires for chains and whips and, for some strange reason, maple syrup.
I can rifle through these wishes like Madam Pince’s fingers caressing a card index, but I am not bound to grant them. The only way to gain access to me is to march up and down my corridor, three times, concentrating on your wish. And no cheating. No wishing to see whatever I am currently working on - that is obviously someone else’s wish, and don’t think I don’t hear you trying to cheat, Mr Potter!
But most people, these days, find me when they are in sudden strange need - the number of times someone fleeing authority has been dithering in my corridor, wishing for succour, and I granted that as a wish - or the number of half-asleep wizards with full bladders that have hopped past, one hand pressed between their thighs, until I let them in to use my facilities.
Almost no one comes prepared for scholarly requirement, and I am left to my own devices for much of the time.
I spend my time organising the props that I use most often and the bizarre stuff that people have hidden in me, over the years.
I have a mild competition going with the lost property office at the London Underground, but it is rather unfair, as no number of cello cases and mobile ‘phones can beat a cursed tiara and a two-handled cup, with the engraving of a badger, that seems to contain a fragment of somebody’s soul - but mine is not to reason why, mine is but to look after stuff for them.
But people do have wishes more complicated than ‘I want somewhere to hide something’, of course they do.
I keep a detailed register of Requirements filled and I was flicking through it and thought I’d give you a few examples.
Here you go, last Thursday was eventful…
5:45am : Hermione Granger, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Miss Granger has requested seventeen books on Dark Magic and twenty-four on relationships this academic year; she drinks tea in the early morning, coffee after eleven am and tea at night; she prefers the fire to be lit, even in Summer.
wish : I need a copy of Dark Magic on the Subcontinent and a copy of What To Do When Your Boyfriend Has The Wrong Girlfriend.
action : Duplicate Charm and Translation Charm on book in Wizarding library in Bhagalpur; Duplication Charm on book in Romford Public Library; provide a copy of Gryffindor common room, with lit fire and cup of Earl Grey tea on side table.
outcome : Miss Granger used a charmed quill to take notes about Indian Magic, while reading the other book; she did not add sugar to her tea.
6am : Draco Malfoy, Slytherin 6th year
notes : Mr Malfoy has secreted the Vanishing Cabinet from the first floor; he has requested six books on repairing Magical Artefacts.
wish : I need access to the Vanishing Cabinet.
action : None possible, Miss Granger already in situ.
outcome : Mr Malfoy swore loudly and kicked the wall.
7am : Lavender Brown, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Miss Brown has requested forty-three books on relationships this academic year; she drinks mineral water.
wish : I need somewhere to practise.
action : Provide an extensive range of make up and perfume; provide revealing clothes in seductive fabrics; provide a copy of her bedroom at home.
outcome : Miss Brown stripped down to her panties and spent twenty minutes examining her breasts in the mirror, moaning ‘ooh, Ron!’ on three occasions; she then tried on seven different low-cut blouses, adjusting her breasts to the best advantage; she did not touch up the full make-up she was already wearing when she arrived.
8:45am : Colin Creevey,
notes : Mr Creevey has requested a dark room for developing certain images that would be frowned upon in the Hogwarts Camera Club; he drinks Iron-Bru.
wish : I need somewhere to develop my photographs.
action : Provide fully equipped dark room and two litre bottle of said beverage.
outcome : Mr Creevey has been taking pictures in the Gryffindor dormitories, again; he left twelve pictures to fix, including several of Mr Potter in various stages of undress, a close up of balls covered in ginger fuzz and one of Mr Finnegan with his eyes closed and his face buried between two dark mounds that I cannot identify.
11am : Professor Sibyl Trelawny
notes : Professor Trelawny has hidden forty-five empty sherry bottles this academic year; there is no need for actual storage, as she will not return for them.
wish : I have to get rid of these!
action : Provide tranquil room with large cupboard.
outcome : Professor Trelawny has now hidden an additional six empty sherry bottles, all of which have been Vanished.
1pm : Dobby, the House Elf
notes : Dobby has on eighteen occasions requested a cosy room for his co-worker, Winky, to sleep off a Butterbeer hangover; he has also requested access to Mr Potter’s Defence practical area and a box of Xmas decorations.
wish : I need to leave Winky somewhere safe.
action : Provide an elf-sized bed, with her favourite Chudley Cannons bedspread and a cup of cocoa on the bedside cabinet and a bucket by the side of the bed.
outcome : Dobby stayed for ten minutes, sitting on the edge of the bed and patting her ears, until Winky was asleep.
3pm : Draco Malfoy, Slytherin 6th year
notes : Mr Malfoy has secreted the Vanishing Cabinet from the first floor on board; he has requested six books on repairing Magical Artefacts.
wish : I need access to the Vanishing Cabinet.
action : None possible, Winky already in situ.
outcome : Mr Malfoy swore loudly and punched the wall.
4pm : Ronald Weasley, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Mr Weasley has on eight occasions requested safe haven from his girlfriend; he is capable of eating his own weight in chocolate.
wish : I need to hide from Lavender!
action : Provide a copy of his childhood bedroom, ONE shot of Firewhiskey, two dozen chocolate frogs, next month’s Quidditch Monthly and a framed photograph of Miss Granger.
outcome : Mr Weasley knocked back the whiskey, choked, flopped melodramatically onto his bed and ate several frogs while sighing over the photograph of Miss Granger. The photograph turned its back on him when he reached inside his boxers and started rubbing himself. He stared at the photograph’s arse and carried on stroking.
5pm : Draco Malfoy, Slytherin 6th year
notes : Mr Malfoy has secreted the Vanishing Cabinet from the first floor on board; he has requested six books on repairing Magical Artefacts.
wish : I need access to the fucking Vanishing Cabinet.
action : Provide airy workshop containing Cabinet, plus repair manuals and tools.
outcome : Mr Malfoy left a very pretty little girl outside in my corridor while he tinkered with the Vanishing mechanism; it doesn’t seem as if he has made any progress, as the frog he placed in the cabinet was still there when he opened it.
5:15pm : Harry Potter, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Mr Potter has on many occasions requested a fully equipped Defence practical area; he has attempted on six occasions to break in on Mr Malfoy’s wish.
wish : I want to see Draco Malfoy, I want to know what Draco Malfoy is doing inside you, I want to see what Draco Malfoy sees, I want what Draco Malfoy wants, I need to be with Draco Malfoy
action : none possible, Mr Malfoy already in situ.
outcome : Mr Potter swore loudly and kicked the wall.
6pm : Professor Severus Snape
notes : Professor Snape has requested a sauna with fluffy towels and birch rods, followed by a shower, every Thursday this academic year; on sixteen occasions he has also requested an avocado face pack.
wish : I need a sauna.
action : Provide a pile of pink, fluffy towels, outside a sauna with two long benches and a birch and a bucket of water beside the coals.
outcome : Professor Snape disrobed and wrapped a towel around his waist; stepping into the sauna and closing the door, he placed his towel on a bench and lay down. He did not, on this occasion, stimulate his genitals, but dozed for half an hour, muttering something about Mr Potter and moaning as his hand strayed to his lap. He did not beat himself with the birch twigs, either, but did wish for vanilla shower gel and stroke himself to a climax while he showered.
7pm : Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : No previous visits.
wish : Just give us somewhere where no feckin’ Weasleys will catch us.
action : Provide a small, windowless room, with a table and two hard backed chairs.
outcome : Mr Finnegan growled something else about “feckin’ freckled busybodies, everywhere” and bent Mr Thomas face down across the table. After folding Mr Thomas’ robes up over his back, Mr Finnegan ran his fingers repeatedly between his friend’s buttocks, before burying his face between them and lapping enthusiastically.
7:30pm : Lavender Brown, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Miss Brown has requested forty-three books on relationships this academic year; she drinks mineral water.
wish : I need somewhere to practise.
action : Provide an extensive range of make up and perfume; provide revealing clothes in seductive fabrics; provide a copy of her bedroom at home.
outcome : Miss Brown changed into stockings and suspenders and a very short skirt and practised dropping things and bending over suggestively to pick them up, periodically running a hand up the back of her thigh and moaning ‘ooh, Ron!’
8pm : Neville Longbottom, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Mr Longbottom has requested twenty-eight books on DADA this academic year.
wish : I need somewhere to practise
action : Provide a shelf of Defence books and a Boggart in a trunk.
outcome : Mr Longbottom read for half an hour, before standing in front of a mirror and practising wand movements with a rather grim expression.
9pm : Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : A joint visit by Mr Potter and Mr Weasley can sometimes require full DADA set-up, or sometimes just a bed.
wish : We need somewhere private.
action : Ah, a bed, then.
outcome : They tumbled through the door and stumbled to the bed. “This is the last time,” Mr Weasley hissed as Mr Potter industriously unbuttoned their robes. “Absolutely,” Mr Potter assured him, ducking to take Mr Weasley’s penis in his mouth. “It’s not fair on Hermione,” Mr Weasley moaned. “You mean Lavender,” Mr Potter said, pausing to take Mr Weasley’s glistening penis out of his mouth. “Oh, whoever,” Mr Weasley gasped. “Just suck me.”
10pm : Hermione Granger, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Miss Granger has requested eighteen books on Dark Magic and twenty-five on relationships this academic year; she drinks tea in the early morning, coffee after eleven am and tea at night; she prefers the fire to be lit, even in Summer.
wish : Just give me somewhere where no one is snogging.
action : Provide a copy of Gryffindor common room, with lit fire and cup of Earl Grey tea on side table.
outcome : Miss Granger curled up in a couch and sipped her tea and glared at the empty couch in front of the fire. I set fire to the couch and Miss Granger smiled widely.
3am : Professor Dumbledore
notes : Professor Dumbledore has a very long and eclectic list of Requirements over the past century - from Muggle sweets to a book on goat husbandry to a map of the London Underground.
wish : Oh, bugger, where is the loo?
action : Provide a wide range of attractive chamber pots.
outcome : Professor Dumbledore stumbled in, one hand buried between his thighs and relieved himself impressively in a chamber pot with sunflowers painted on the side.
Professor Dumbledore was my last client for the day, and I Scourgified the chamber pot and popped it back into storage, next to the strange two-handled cup with a badger on it.
Guess who is first to post???
Title: Having Read The Book
Author: shocolate
Requestor: lizardspots
Claim: A day in the life of the Room of Requirement
Rating: NC-17
Summary: The RoR has seen it all - even Snape’s arse.
Warnings (if applicable): mention of various het and slash pairings.
The title is from A day in the life, by The Beatles, and supposed to make you laugh before we even get started!
Many thanks to mrsquizzical for the upside down beta, and to magicofisis for the demangling of my tenses, and to me and abigail89 and magicofisis for running the hp_funnyfest and giving all of us a good laugh before the carnage in July.
Having Read The Book
****
Rowena Ravenclaw was the greatest Legilimens the world has ever seen; her delicate touch and intuitive interpretation of what she had seen drove Godric Gryffindor frankly batty. He always thought that what he and Salazar Slytherin had got up to was their own business and he took her to task on more than one occasion about her nosey parkering.
That was before my time, of course, because she sacrificed part of her Magic to create me.
Oh! Let me introduce myself!
I am the Hogwarts Room of Requirement - ‘Reqs’ to my friends, of who I have many, but they are mainly architectural features…
So. Rowena was like a mother to me - gave me her initials and everything, and I thank the maker - Rowena, again - that everyone else was busy that day.
Salazar was excavating dungeons, or he’d have called me the Suite of Specification; Godric was building towers, or I’d have been the Grotto of Grants; Helga was laying lawns, or I’d have been the House of Hankering.
So, dear Rowena gave me the art of Legilimency, to see into a wizard’s mind and find out exactly what he requires, and a dash of what her boyfriend at the time called ‘Timelord Science’, so I can be whatever size and shape necessary.
The others helped, of course.
Uncle Godric layered subtle powers or Transfiguration and Conjuring into my stones, so I could provide whatever a wizard wished for. Auntie Helga created a fiendishly elegant Duplicating Charm that meant I could reproduce any book or scroll they needed - no matter that it hadn’t been written yet!
And Uncle Salazar taught me everything I’d ever need to know to satisfy their sexual wishes - and that didn’t need any clever autoupdating element, because, no matter what the little darlings think, there is nothing new under the sun as far as sex is concerned!
Actually, they had something of a falling out about it.
The history books may say - and I know, because I Duplicated them to check - that the big falling out was over Pureblood fanaticism, but you should have heard how angry Rowena got when she saw Salazar use me to create a Sultan’s boudoir to tempt Godric into.
Anyway.
I was originally created for individual research and study, but, well, times change.
It’s usually an easy enough existence - yes, there are hundreds of people in the building, and I can reach far beyond my corridor and amuse myself by picking up the strangest wishes - there was a girl in Hufflelpuff in the late seventeenth century who dreamt of oranges, day and night - a chap in Ravenclaw in the twelfth century who was ridiculed for inventing the handkerchief and dreamt of strangling people with it - there are always dreams of thighs and broomsticks - some sexual, some Quidditchical - Gryffindor Tower is usually full of freckled fantasies, and the dungeons are seething with desires for chains and whips and, for some strange reason, maple syrup.
I can rifle through these wishes like Madam Pince’s fingers caressing a card index, but I am not bound to grant them. The only way to gain access to me is to march up and down my corridor, three times, concentrating on your wish. And no cheating. No wishing to see whatever I am currently working on - that is obviously someone else’s wish, and don’t think I don’t hear you trying to cheat, Mr Potter!
But most people, these days, find me when they are in sudden strange need - the number of times someone fleeing authority has been dithering in my corridor, wishing for succour, and I granted that as a wish - or the number of half-asleep wizards with full bladders that have hopped past, one hand pressed between their thighs, until I let them in to use my facilities.
Almost no one comes prepared for scholarly requirement, and I am left to my own devices for much of the time.
I spend my time organising the props that I use most often and the bizarre stuff that people have hidden in me, over the years.
I have a mild competition going with the lost property office at the London Underground, but it is rather unfair, as no number of cello cases and mobile ‘phones can beat a cursed tiara and a two-handled cup, with the engraving of a badger, that seems to contain a fragment of somebody’s soul - but mine is not to reason why, mine is but to look after stuff for them.
But people do have wishes more complicated than ‘I want somewhere to hide something’, of course they do.
I keep a detailed register of Requirements filled and I was flicking through it and thought I’d give you a few examples.
Here you go, last Thursday was eventful…
5:45am : Hermione Granger, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Miss Granger has requested seventeen books on Dark Magic and twenty-four on relationships this academic year; she drinks tea in the early morning, coffee after eleven am and tea at night; she prefers the fire to be lit, even in Summer.
wish : I need a copy of Dark Magic on the Subcontinent and a copy of What To Do When Your Boyfriend Has The Wrong Girlfriend.
action : Duplicate Charm and Translation Charm on book in Wizarding library in Bhagalpur; Duplication Charm on book in Romford Public Library; provide a copy of Gryffindor common room, with lit fire and cup of Earl Grey tea on side table.
outcome : Miss Granger used a charmed quill to take notes about Indian Magic, while reading the other book; she did not add sugar to her tea.
6am : Draco Malfoy, Slytherin 6th year
notes : Mr Malfoy has secreted the Vanishing Cabinet from the first floor; he has requested six books on repairing Magical Artefacts.
wish : I need access to the Vanishing Cabinet.
action : None possible, Miss Granger already in situ.
outcome : Mr Malfoy swore loudly and kicked the wall.
7am : Lavender Brown, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Miss Brown has requested forty-three books on relationships this academic year; she drinks mineral water.
wish : I need somewhere to practise.
action : Provide an extensive range of make up and perfume; provide revealing clothes in seductive fabrics; provide a copy of her bedroom at home.
outcome : Miss Brown stripped down to her panties and spent twenty minutes examining her breasts in the mirror, moaning ‘ooh, Ron!’ on three occasions; she then tried on seven different low-cut blouses, adjusting her breasts to the best advantage; she did not touch up the full make-up she was already wearing when she arrived.
8:45am : Colin Creevey,
notes : Mr Creevey has requested a dark room for developing certain images that would be frowned upon in the Hogwarts Camera Club; he drinks Iron-Bru.
wish : I need somewhere to develop my photographs.
action : Provide fully equipped dark room and two litre bottle of said beverage.
outcome : Mr Creevey has been taking pictures in the Gryffindor dormitories, again; he left twelve pictures to fix, including several of Mr Potter in various stages of undress, a close up of balls covered in ginger fuzz and one of Mr Finnegan with his eyes closed and his face buried between two dark mounds that I cannot identify.
11am : Professor Sibyl Trelawny
notes : Professor Trelawny has hidden forty-five empty sherry bottles this academic year; there is no need for actual storage, as she will not return for them.
wish : I have to get rid of these!
action : Provide tranquil room with large cupboard.
outcome : Professor Trelawny has now hidden an additional six empty sherry bottles, all of which have been Vanished.
1pm : Dobby, the House Elf
notes : Dobby has on eighteen occasions requested a cosy room for his co-worker, Winky, to sleep off a Butterbeer hangover; he has also requested access to Mr Potter’s Defence practical area and a box of Xmas decorations.
wish : I need to leave Winky somewhere safe.
action : Provide an elf-sized bed, with her favourite Chudley Cannons bedspread and a cup of cocoa on the bedside cabinet and a bucket by the side of the bed.
outcome : Dobby stayed for ten minutes, sitting on the edge of the bed and patting her ears, until Winky was asleep.
3pm : Draco Malfoy, Slytherin 6th year
notes : Mr Malfoy has secreted the Vanishing Cabinet from the first floor on board; he has requested six books on repairing Magical Artefacts.
wish : I need access to the Vanishing Cabinet.
action : None possible, Winky already in situ.
outcome : Mr Malfoy swore loudly and punched the wall.
4pm : Ronald Weasley, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Mr Weasley has on eight occasions requested safe haven from his girlfriend; he is capable of eating his own weight in chocolate.
wish : I need to hide from Lavender!
action : Provide a copy of his childhood bedroom, ONE shot of Firewhiskey, two dozen chocolate frogs, next month’s Quidditch Monthly and a framed photograph of Miss Granger.
outcome : Mr Weasley knocked back the whiskey, choked, flopped melodramatically onto his bed and ate several frogs while sighing over the photograph of Miss Granger. The photograph turned its back on him when he reached inside his boxers and started rubbing himself. He stared at the photograph’s arse and carried on stroking.
5pm : Draco Malfoy, Slytherin 6th year
notes : Mr Malfoy has secreted the Vanishing Cabinet from the first floor on board; he has requested six books on repairing Magical Artefacts.
wish : I need access to the fucking Vanishing Cabinet.
action : Provide airy workshop containing Cabinet, plus repair manuals and tools.
outcome : Mr Malfoy left a very pretty little girl outside in my corridor while he tinkered with the Vanishing mechanism; it doesn’t seem as if he has made any progress, as the frog he placed in the cabinet was still there when he opened it.
5:15pm : Harry Potter, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Mr Potter has on many occasions requested a fully equipped Defence practical area; he has attempted on six occasions to break in on Mr Malfoy’s wish.
wish : I want to see Draco Malfoy, I want to know what Draco Malfoy is doing inside you, I want to see what Draco Malfoy sees, I want what Draco Malfoy wants, I need to be with Draco Malfoy
action : none possible, Mr Malfoy already in situ.
outcome : Mr Potter swore loudly and kicked the wall.
6pm : Professor Severus Snape
notes : Professor Snape has requested a sauna with fluffy towels and birch rods, followed by a shower, every Thursday this academic year; on sixteen occasions he has also requested an avocado face pack.
wish : I need a sauna.
action : Provide a pile of pink, fluffy towels, outside a sauna with two long benches and a birch and a bucket of water beside the coals.
outcome : Professor Snape disrobed and wrapped a towel around his waist; stepping into the sauna and closing the door, he placed his towel on a bench and lay down. He did not, on this occasion, stimulate his genitals, but dozed for half an hour, muttering something about Mr Potter and moaning as his hand strayed to his lap. He did not beat himself with the birch twigs, either, but did wish for vanilla shower gel and stroke himself to a climax while he showered.
7pm : Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : No previous visits.
wish : Just give us somewhere where no feckin’ Weasleys will catch us.
action : Provide a small, windowless room, with a table and two hard backed chairs.
outcome : Mr Finnegan growled something else about “feckin’ freckled busybodies, everywhere” and bent Mr Thomas face down across the table. After folding Mr Thomas’ robes up over his back, Mr Finnegan ran his fingers repeatedly between his friend’s buttocks, before burying his face between them and lapping enthusiastically.
7:30pm : Lavender Brown, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Miss Brown has requested forty-three books on relationships this academic year; she drinks mineral water.
wish : I need somewhere to practise.
action : Provide an extensive range of make up and perfume; provide revealing clothes in seductive fabrics; provide a copy of her bedroom at home.
outcome : Miss Brown changed into stockings and suspenders and a very short skirt and practised dropping things and bending over suggestively to pick them up, periodically running a hand up the back of her thigh and moaning ‘ooh, Ron!’
8pm : Neville Longbottom, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Mr Longbottom has requested twenty-eight books on DADA this academic year.
wish : I need somewhere to practise
action : Provide a shelf of Defence books and a Boggart in a trunk.
outcome : Mr Longbottom read for half an hour, before standing in front of a mirror and practising wand movements with a rather grim expression.
9pm : Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : A joint visit by Mr Potter and Mr Weasley can sometimes require full DADA set-up, or sometimes just a bed.
wish : We need somewhere private.
action : Ah, a bed, then.
outcome : They tumbled through the door and stumbled to the bed. “This is the last time,” Mr Weasley hissed as Mr Potter industriously unbuttoned their robes. “Absolutely,” Mr Potter assured him, ducking to take Mr Weasley’s penis in his mouth. “It’s not fair on Hermione,” Mr Weasley moaned. “You mean Lavender,” Mr Potter said, pausing to take Mr Weasley’s glistening penis out of his mouth. “Oh, whoever,” Mr Weasley gasped. “Just suck me.”
10pm : Hermione Granger, Gryffindor 6th year
notes : Miss Granger has requested eighteen books on Dark Magic and twenty-five on relationships this academic year; she drinks tea in the early morning, coffee after eleven am and tea at night; she prefers the fire to be lit, even in Summer.
wish : Just give me somewhere where no one is snogging.
action : Provide a copy of Gryffindor common room, with lit fire and cup of Earl Grey tea on side table.
outcome : Miss Granger curled up in a couch and sipped her tea and glared at the empty couch in front of the fire. I set fire to the couch and Miss Granger smiled widely.
3am : Professor Dumbledore
notes : Professor Dumbledore has a very long and eclectic list of Requirements over the past century - from Muggle sweets to a book on goat husbandry to a map of the London Underground.
wish : Oh, bugger, where is the loo?
action : Provide a wide range of attractive chamber pots.
outcome : Professor Dumbledore stumbled in, one hand buried between his thighs and relieved himself impressively in a chamber pot with sunflowers painted on the side.
Professor Dumbledore was my last client for the day, and I Scourgified the chamber pot and popped it back into storage, next to the strange two-handled cup with a badger on it.