(no subject)
I feel very caught between wanting to get worse and wanting to get better.
This past week and a half might have been the first time in my life where I can remember eating "normally". Like I said before... it isn't healthy, but it's eating when I'm hungry, chosing things I enjoy, but eating healthy, normal amounts of those things and not giving it much thought, not obsessing, not stressing over nutritional content... not eating to get that rush or subdue emotion. I think I can blame this on my schedule (it's amazing how much more productive you can be when you don't engage in your e.d.) and the amazing freedom I have here. I have escaped all the things at home that created and fueled this e.d.
But I am still bothered by my body. I may not wear an over-sized hoodie every day to hide myself... but I am still dissatisfied to a great extent by the way I look in clothes and uncomfortable with the physical space of my body. I don't like feeling like and even knowing that there are so many things I still can't do because of my physical state.
I am not sure if giving up this path to "betterness" now will only further ingrain my e.d. and make it so much harder to give up further down the road.
I am feeling a little lost without the security of my e.d. And burdened with the body it's left me with... I think, in a way, I worry if I can fully enjoy my college experience with this overweight body, if I will be wasting valuable time (I have wasted so much already) fat if I take the long way out to recovery and healthy weight loss. If I will never feel like my e.d. was valid because I never reached that thin ideal - that without that ideal so many people will turn away from me andnever acknowledge that I've suffered, too.
It's tempting to go backwards. It's tempting, even, to do things I haven't for over a year (I'm still amazed it's been that long)... It's sad, but honestly, I know if it weren't for my future with my boyfriend, which gives me a reason to try to be healthy and stay alive, I would probably be purging right now.
This past week and a half might have been the first time in my life where I can remember eating "normally". Like I said before... it isn't healthy, but it's eating when I'm hungry, chosing things I enjoy, but eating healthy, normal amounts of those things and not giving it much thought, not obsessing, not stressing over nutritional content... not eating to get that rush or subdue emotion. I think I can blame this on my schedule (it's amazing how much more productive you can be when you don't engage in your e.d.) and the amazing freedom I have here. I have escaped all the things at home that created and fueled this e.d.
But I am still bothered by my body. I may not wear an over-sized hoodie every day to hide myself... but I am still dissatisfied to a great extent by the way I look in clothes and uncomfortable with the physical space of my body. I don't like feeling like and even knowing that there are so many things I still can't do because of my physical state.
I am not sure if giving up this path to "betterness" now will only further ingrain my e.d. and make it so much harder to give up further down the road.
I am feeling a little lost without the security of my e.d. And burdened with the body it's left me with... I think, in a way, I worry if I can fully enjoy my college experience with this overweight body, if I will be wasting valuable time (I have wasted so much already) fat if I take the long way out to recovery and healthy weight loss. If I will never feel like my e.d. was valid because I never reached that thin ideal - that without that ideal so many people will turn away from me andnever acknowledge that I've suffered, too.
It's tempting to go backwards. It's tempting, even, to do things I haven't for over a year (I'm still amazed it's been that long)... It's sad, but honestly, I know if it weren't for my future with my boyfriend, which gives me a reason to try to be healthy and stay alive, I would probably be purging right now.