(no subject)
I have had a bad week & 1/2... or more. Weigh day was terrible. The scale claimed that I gained 8 lbs in one week. That cannot be physically possible. I blame being bloated and still full from binging the night before. (My period and lack of for almost a week really fucked things up.) Afraid to weigh myself this Monday since it's already Thursday and I'm still not eating right. :/
I want to start working out again. I'm looking into buying a treadmill. Public work outs are not an option for me & I don't really have the time (or the weather most days) to go out to exercise. I need to stay in and study, which, at least I can do with treadmill. However, I'm poor. I'm not sure if it's going to be worth it to drop $300 on one. :/ But then again, if I do spend that much, I will have to use it... out of guilt, if nothing else. I also need a good aerobic video/routine. I used to have one, it was some 90's program that used a step platform, but it's on VHS (I only have a DVD player) and the equipment is at my mother's house (so who knows if I'd ever get it back). Anyway, I miss that sore muscle feeling. I'm so incredibly out of shape, too.
I used to measure how well I was doing by how much it hurt. Hunger pains? Check. Weak from fasting? Good. If I could feel my muscles rotting away, that was the best. Anything between bone and flesh was enemy.
Maybe this will be a healthier way to take care of that need.
Yesterday I bought a bunch of fruit and made a salad out of it... I sort of plan to live off of that and dry tuna on bread. This is not very healthy or satisfying, but I feel that it might be emotionally satisfying. I have been engaging in my ED very heavily recently, with the insane binging, and now I want to take it in another direction. I don't want to starve again or anything like that... but we'll see where this goes.
My husband is taking some health class now, so I don't think he's going to put up with my ridiculous junk food or binges much longer, anyway. (Despite not being very supportive of my desire to buy a treadmill.)
Auugh, I've got to admit that I do feel a bit triggered to starve. I want that feeling again - of success. We'll see what happens. I'm so fat and out of shape right now that I don't have to fast for the pounds to drop off. I really want to regain control of my life & not be so publicly reckless.
I want to start working out again. I'm looking into buying a treadmill. Public work outs are not an option for me & I don't really have the time (or the weather most days) to go out to exercise. I need to stay in and study, which, at least I can do with treadmill. However, I'm poor. I'm not sure if it's going to be worth it to drop $300 on one. :/ But then again, if I do spend that much, I will have to use it... out of guilt, if nothing else. I also need a good aerobic video/routine. I used to have one, it was some 90's program that used a step platform, but it's on VHS (I only have a DVD player) and the equipment is at my mother's house (so who knows if I'd ever get it back). Anyway, I miss that sore muscle feeling. I'm so incredibly out of shape, too.
I used to measure how well I was doing by how much it hurt. Hunger pains? Check. Weak from fasting? Good. If I could feel my muscles rotting away, that was the best. Anything between bone and flesh was enemy.
Maybe this will be a healthier way to take care of that need.
Yesterday I bought a bunch of fruit and made a salad out of it... I sort of plan to live off of that and dry tuna on bread. This is not very healthy or satisfying, but I feel that it might be emotionally satisfying. I have been engaging in my ED very heavily recently, with the insane binging, and now I want to take it in another direction. I don't want to starve again or anything like that... but we'll see where this goes.
My husband is taking some health class now, so I don't think he's going to put up with my ridiculous junk food or binges much longer, anyway. (Despite not being very supportive of my desire to buy a treadmill.)
Auugh, I've got to admit that I do feel a bit triggered to starve. I want that feeling again - of success. We'll see what happens. I'm so fat and out of shape right now that I don't have to fast for the pounds to drop off. I really want to regain control of my life & not be so publicly reckless.