i can't wait for xmas to be over
I had a really really good weekend in Vancouver. I got to hang out with lots of awesome people and go to a pretty cool party.
There was a little bit of drama (among other things) floating between some of the cool people. It's hard to just walk into a completely established group of friends and not feel a little awkward. I hope I didn't seem too out of place. I had a fantastic time. It was so good to get out of Victoria.
In other news though, I'm considering dropping edge. I'm not really sure what complete sobriety means to me anymore. This isn't going to be a rash spur of the moment decision so I can go out and binge again. (I'm definitely not going to get back into smoking.) In fact, it's not even binging that I want to do. It might not be so bad if every now and again I had a little bit of alcohol though. Don't get me wrong... I'm still edge for the moment... I just have to figure out if it's still something that's important to me. Personal clarity is great, but I don't think it's something I'll lose so long as I keep everything in moderation. When I started this whole cleansing it was because I wanted to show that I could have just as much fun without the modification, and I think I've proven to myself that I work well without it.
This is partially because I don't like how some people treat me, knowing that I'm straight edge. Certain people see me as being boring (the same way you might pre-judge a priest). Others avoid telling me about their own escapades with alcohol/drugs. I don't want someone (especially a friend) to be closed off to me simply because I'm not doing the things they might be. Whether people intend for it, I am often treated differently for it.
Beyond that though, there are some times when it might be fun to let go a little bit. Everything in moderation, including moderation, right? Would it really be so bad to drink a little bit with some friends, maybe get a little tipsy? There are other forms of modification that I'm not sure I've completely finished with just yet as well. A straight edge kid might tell you that he never needs to do those things. I know I don't need to. But it might be fun so long as it's safe and occasional! I've always had an addictive personality which has gotten me hooked on some things in the past. So long as I'm cautious and keep things very moderate, I don't see why it would be a big deal. Isn't "self control" a better tag than "complete abstinence"?
I know my parents will be concerned about me stopping because right now they don't have to worry about me doing anything that might get me in trouble. Any other sXe kid I know will probably also see this as some sort of tragedy. It's not good to go edge unless you know that's what you want to do for life. Whether I like it or not, "falling off the wagon" is going to be a big deal for some people. And it was great while it was going... but these days I'm not certain I know myself well enough to sign on to anything "for life".
It's just something I'm considering. I haven't switched over (no tragedy) yet, but I don't know if completely abstaining like this is still the answer for me. Please weigh in with your opinion on the matter...
Gar... I'm really not looking forward to Christmas anymore either. I want the holiday to be over and done with now. I don't have a lot of money, so I can't really buy presents for very many people. And the few people that I might buy something for... well I don't think I really know anyone well enough to figure out an affordable gift just yet. It's awesome to do something nice for someone, and I do love being generous with my gifts for people. This is the part of Christmas that needs to be destroyed though: the whole obligation to buy presents! I don't know if I'm going to get anybody anything this year...
I'm dreading the coming weekend, because everyone is going to be back at their respective homes with their respective families. It wouldn't be so bad, but nothing is even going to be open that day either. I won't be able to sit in a coffee shop or go to a movie by myself or anything. I wish that there were more options than just spending Christmas with family. I really tried to get some sort of alternative (the Christmas Extravaganza) going this year, but it seems like I'm the only one who is into that sort of thing. Being alone on Christmas sucks, but it's the only choice I have besides going to see my family (which I'm not at all interested in).
I'll be happy once the holidays are done. Humbug!