cant sleep..
well.. im again in a point in my life.. where.. well.. everything seems to be on the fall.. i just.. i duno what to do/say/or think anymore..
heres kinda a bring back of whats goin on or been goin on..
uhmm last like.. wed i think it was.. i for some reason went straight to the mail when i got home from school.. why im not sure. i never get mail anyways.. but that day was differnt. there was a enevelope.. with MY name on it.. and no return address.. i was like score! .. n then i read the postage stamp. it said palatine.. im like.. hmm ok then? who'd send me mail from there? so confused.. i opened it.. and there was several pieces of paper in there.. so i took them out.. opened one started reading.. and my heart almost like .. stopped. Was this really what i thought it was? i couldnt wait to find out at the end.. i flipped one piece over.. only to prove myself right.. it was! .. it was from sean. i.. just.. i duno how i felt.. or even still feel about them. they really kinda got to me.. more than i wanted or thought they would. it just.. brought back everything from so long ago.. n it still hurts. so much. just how everythings happend. he sounded so unhappy.. n apparently never recieved any of the mail i sent him.. back in NOVEMBER.. these letters were from nov. dec. and march... and sadly.. the march letter.. was the most depressing one of them.. so is he gettin better? i duno.. i hope so.. i hope in time he can be ok n stable. ... i duno really what else to say about that whole topic.
Theres one person i wanna be with more than anything. n i know it used to be mutual or so thats how it felt anyway... quite a while back now.. but i really dont know if it still is or not? .. i mean.. is it even worth still wanting? everytime so far that ive wanted something.. i later get scared n push away n fuck it up.. but thats all im gunna really say about it in here..
me n my mom are constantly fighting again.. n its not just.. the normal teenage mother daughter fights like expected.. no.. not at all.. i only wish they were.. our fights.. are so much worse.. n i hate it. no matter what i try.. i cant fix it. its just like b4.. n its just.. killing me. i hate fighting with her. i hate that i cause so much pain for her.. n that im not what she wanted me to be.. but.. u know.. i can only be who i am.. not who everyone wants me to be.. n well. Im sorry i guess? i shouldnt have to be sorry for being me.. but still.. like always i am.
grades came.. the sucked.. got in trouble n yelled at. again. what can i say.. i mean.. im doin a lot better now.. but still even so.. i really have no interest in school.. i have no high future plans with myself. college wise that is..
last friday.. was awsome.. yet.. horrid all in one.. great cuz of one person.. n just.. unbareable cuz of another.. n it was all at the same time...
which brings me to now.. or last night i guess..
i had the car all evening.. after school i went out to lily creek with my horse. 5:30 i went tanning. came home.. showered.. n left again.. i called haley.. took her n allison out to culvers for ice cream. cuz i told haley todya i wanted to do somethin with her cu zit was her bday sunday.. so yeah. that was fun. allison was crackin us up. *her lil sister* so i drop them back off home.. by this time its like 8:30. then i call nick. ask what time he gets off work.. he said nine n that i should pick him up. so i was like..sure ok.. so i dropped a prescription off to my dad n then went to menards to wait for him to get off.. n then i took him home.. after that.. i called dusty on my way to the farm to put my horse in his stall for the night. it rang a couple times n then went to his voice mail. i left a message.. like i always do.. but he never knows how to check his VM still.. but i still always try. anyways.. i head out to the farm.. do all that.. come back in to town.. stop at a corner gas station to get me some dr. pepper. cuz.. i duno i just wanted somethin to drink.. and to not go home quite yet.. when i look by the gas pumps.. only to see dusty gettin in his truck. i was like HEY!! n he stopped.. cuz he was about to pull off.. n i went up to his truck n talked to him for a lil bit... then he hadda go.. n so did i anyways.. so i went int he gas station to get my dr pepper.. he pulled off.. i got back to my car.. n broke down.
i just.. i want everything to go back to how it used to be..
i miss him so much.. n how close we used to be.. n how we just used to go in his truck for long ass pointless rides for hours. just talking. listenin to country music.. him singin.. maken me laugh.. him pickin me up.. hell i even miss gym class with him.. n that says alot. cuz i hate gym. with a passion .. i miss how hed do anything for me when i was upsett just to get me to smile or laugh..
so.. now its about 10. my mom calls. wants to know wherei am.. i tell her on my way home.. n then i come home. i go upstairs.. n go to bed..
i missed like 5 calls. i was like OUT. but now.. i just.. i cant sleep nemore. i have to work today 4:30 to close.. n should be sleeping.. but i jsut. cant. too much on my mind.. n my dreams just make me wake up to a broken heart.
imma go back n lay down n try to sleep for about 45 min b4 i have to get up n get ready for school. bleh.
i wanted to atleast call ryan back.. but i didnt see that he called til 2:30. n hes prolly sleepin by now.. ni dont wanna call n wake up parentals or nething n get yelled at.. bleh.
i just really need someone to talk to right now..
heres kinda a bring back of whats goin on or been goin on..
uhmm last like.. wed i think it was.. i for some reason went straight to the mail when i got home from school.. why im not sure. i never get mail anyways.. but that day was differnt. there was a enevelope.. with MY name on it.. and no return address.. i was like score! .. n then i read the postage stamp. it said palatine.. im like.. hmm ok then? who'd send me mail from there? so confused.. i opened it.. and there was several pieces of paper in there.. so i took them out.. opened one started reading.. and my heart almost like .. stopped. Was this really what i thought it was? i couldnt wait to find out at the end.. i flipped one piece over.. only to prove myself right.. it was! .. it was from sean. i.. just.. i duno how i felt.. or even still feel about them. they really kinda got to me.. more than i wanted or thought they would. it just.. brought back everything from so long ago.. n it still hurts. so much. just how everythings happend. he sounded so unhappy.. n apparently never recieved any of the mail i sent him.. back in NOVEMBER.. these letters were from nov. dec. and march... and sadly.. the march letter.. was the most depressing one of them.. so is he gettin better? i duno.. i hope so.. i hope in time he can be ok n stable. ... i duno really what else to say about that whole topic.
Theres one person i wanna be with more than anything. n i know it used to be mutual or so thats how it felt anyway... quite a while back now.. but i really dont know if it still is or not? .. i mean.. is it even worth still wanting? everytime so far that ive wanted something.. i later get scared n push away n fuck it up.. but thats all im gunna really say about it in here..
me n my mom are constantly fighting again.. n its not just.. the normal teenage mother daughter fights like expected.. no.. not at all.. i only wish they were.. our fights.. are so much worse.. n i hate it. no matter what i try.. i cant fix it. its just like b4.. n its just.. killing me. i hate fighting with her. i hate that i cause so much pain for her.. n that im not what she wanted me to be.. but.. u know.. i can only be who i am.. not who everyone wants me to be.. n well. Im sorry i guess? i shouldnt have to be sorry for being me.. but still.. like always i am.
grades came.. the sucked.. got in trouble n yelled at. again. what can i say.. i mean.. im doin a lot better now.. but still even so.. i really have no interest in school.. i have no high future plans with myself. college wise that is..
last friday.. was awsome.. yet.. horrid all in one.. great cuz of one person.. n just.. unbareable cuz of another.. n it was all at the same time...
which brings me to now.. or last night i guess..
i had the car all evening.. after school i went out to lily creek with my horse. 5:30 i went tanning. came home.. showered.. n left again.. i called haley.. took her n allison out to culvers for ice cream. cuz i told haley todya i wanted to do somethin with her cu zit was her bday sunday.. so yeah. that was fun. allison was crackin us up. *her lil sister* so i drop them back off home.. by this time its like 8:30. then i call nick. ask what time he gets off work.. he said nine n that i should pick him up. so i was like..sure ok.. so i dropped a prescription off to my dad n then went to menards to wait for him to get off.. n then i took him home.. after that.. i called dusty on my way to the farm to put my horse in his stall for the night. it rang a couple times n then went to his voice mail. i left a message.. like i always do.. but he never knows how to check his VM still.. but i still always try. anyways.. i head out to the farm.. do all that.. come back in to town.. stop at a corner gas station to get me some dr. pepper. cuz.. i duno i just wanted somethin to drink.. and to not go home quite yet.. when i look by the gas pumps.. only to see dusty gettin in his truck. i was like HEY!! n he stopped.. cuz he was about to pull off.. n i went up to his truck n talked to him for a lil bit... then he hadda go.. n so did i anyways.. so i went int he gas station to get my dr pepper.. he pulled off.. i got back to my car.. n broke down.
i just.. i want everything to go back to how it used to be..
i miss him so much.. n how close we used to be.. n how we just used to go in his truck for long ass pointless rides for hours. just talking. listenin to country music.. him singin.. maken me laugh.. him pickin me up.. hell i even miss gym class with him.. n that says alot. cuz i hate gym. with a passion .. i miss how hed do anything for me when i was upsett just to get me to smile or laugh..
so.. now its about 10. my mom calls. wants to know wherei am.. i tell her on my way home.. n then i come home. i go upstairs.. n go to bed..
i missed like 5 calls. i was like OUT. but now.. i just.. i cant sleep nemore. i have to work today 4:30 to close.. n should be sleeping.. but i jsut. cant. too much on my mind.. n my dreams just make me wake up to a broken heart.
imma go back n lay down n try to sleep for about 45 min b4 i have to get up n get ready for school. bleh.
i wanted to atleast call ryan back.. but i didnt see that he called til 2:30. n hes prolly sleepin by now.. ni dont wanna call n wake up parentals or nething n get yelled at.. bleh.
i just really need someone to talk to right now..