Muster all the confidence to throw it all away.
have a huge problem with commitment. I am terrified that I am going to miss the big one if I stay with someone. I am always faithful to my boyfriend or girlfriend. But I am always feeling like something is missing. I talk myself out of things too easily. I feel like I am missing something when I don't have the free roam to look for something. Something that is new, not a new relationship... But new grounds to cover, obstacles to climb, and to find the contentment and security to stick around where I know I'm wanted. It's been engraved into my head that I won't find someone to spend the rest of my life with.
Another thing. I've never been what you'd call lucky. I've had a lot of falls. I don't wake up everyday with a smile on my face. I don't have the confidence to say that today I might get what I need. I don't feel confident in my own body. I am self concious. If I feel like I look bad. I really do. It's not to get the reassurance that people seem to think I need. My hair for instance, is the biggest flaw on my body right now. I need a hair cut, and a hot oil treatment.
This sounds like I want pity. But what I really want is understanding. I've gotten nothing but slaps in the face from the person who meant the world to me for more than two months. I really thought that I loved Jeff. Yes it was the illusion of it, but for me it was a reality. There was the one person that I thought would stand aside and be what no one else had been for me. I loved being with him. I loved doing everything I could to put a smile on his face.
I am struggling to bring my life back together. The move I made initially to do that, took away the only part I found to be stable. Jeff. So for those of you who think that I didn't sacrifice anything by moving.. There you go.. I don't tell people this stuff because they don't listen half the time. If they do, it's for their benefit. So they can say, oh my gosh. I have nothing but drama in my life now. People have managed to make sure I knew they didn't care for my benefit, but for theirs. They had to have something to complain about to his other friends. Makes me consider burning a bridge between my current life and the old. There is so much that I can't mend with people. I've been a bad friend myself. I know that. But the difference is that I've found out where and how to change. My "friends" didn't. I'm hesitant to give myself up to anyone now because I know what they do when they feel they can turn it around because I said something about their boyfriend or their friend. I don't trust anyone completely. This is the most I've said to anyone about this stuff since like forever and a day ago.
I want to love someone. I want to. But I also need to have time for me right now. I am going to be completely honest. If Jeff moved to Lansing. I'd take him back in a second. Because that's what I feel. I loved our relationship. I would just forget what he did and take him back. That relationship was one that I would've stayed in Merrill for, barring he would've stopped seeing and talking to Derek completely. I know what you're thinking. "Why would you take him back after all this"?
I forgive. All the time. Biggest lesson I've learned is that I need to forgive or I'll be forgotten.
I don't care what some people think about me. But I care what people that I cared about think of me. Especially exboyfriends, and girlfriends. Brandi my exgirlfriend that I was with for 2 years... we hated eachother for so long. But it ate me up inside. It killed me. So we worked it out. This stuff with Jeff is so deep that I don't know where to start. You want to know if anything is wrong with me right now? Yes, I am still completely lost with this situation. Jeff and I still care about eachother. Regardless of all the things he's said. He's told me when it was just him and I on the phone that he still loved me. That he still cares about me. I still care about him. I've cried twice over this. Once because I hated him and the other because I hated that I still care about him so much. Then I have to consider. Why did he cheat on me...
My first thought. What did I do. Regardless of what I am told. I did one thing wrong. I didn't stay in Merrill. I didn't fight for my job at Dow. I didn't try hard enough to make him know that I was falling in love with him. I still can't live a day without wondering why I didn't do everything that I could to keep him. I have my faults and now I am actually seeing them.
The egotism and arrogance that people see is the biggest cover that I've ever had. I am by far one of the most insecure people. I don't like my hair, voice, stomach, and among other things... my feet. I know that people don't like me. But they pretend to, though I see right through it. I don't know why though. Especially new people. I am so nice and welcoming to new people. I smile, I talk, I joke, I make them laugh, I do all that I can to make them comfortable. But some people just get this initial impression of the 5'5 130lb. half assed scene kid. That I am manipulative, irritating, ugly and egotistic. Forgive my over confident shield against all my imperfections.
Sorry that this is so long but it has to be. If you really want to know me... Read.
My biggest issue right now. Is that people think that I cheated on Jeff. Well after reading what you just did. I hope maybe I changed your mind. Going out on that limb should've given you something to go from...
Another thing. I've never been what you'd call lucky. I've had a lot of falls. I don't wake up everyday with a smile on my face. I don't have the confidence to say that today I might get what I need. I don't feel confident in my own body. I am self concious. If I feel like I look bad. I really do. It's not to get the reassurance that people seem to think I need. My hair for instance, is the biggest flaw on my body right now. I need a hair cut, and a hot oil treatment.
This sounds like I want pity. But what I really want is understanding. I've gotten nothing but slaps in the face from the person who meant the world to me for more than two months. I really thought that I loved Jeff. Yes it was the illusion of it, but for me it was a reality. There was the one person that I thought would stand aside and be what no one else had been for me. I loved being with him. I loved doing everything I could to put a smile on his face.
I am struggling to bring my life back together. The move I made initially to do that, took away the only part I found to be stable. Jeff. So for those of you who think that I didn't sacrifice anything by moving.. There you go.. I don't tell people this stuff because they don't listen half the time. If they do, it's for their benefit. So they can say, oh my gosh. I have nothing but drama in my life now. People have managed to make sure I knew they didn't care for my benefit, but for theirs. They had to have something to complain about to his other friends. Makes me consider burning a bridge between my current life and the old. There is so much that I can't mend with people. I've been a bad friend myself. I know that. But the difference is that I've found out where and how to change. My "friends" didn't. I'm hesitant to give myself up to anyone now because I know what they do when they feel they can turn it around because I said something about their boyfriend or their friend. I don't trust anyone completely. This is the most I've said to anyone about this stuff since like forever and a day ago.
I want to love someone. I want to. But I also need to have time for me right now. I am going to be completely honest. If Jeff moved to Lansing. I'd take him back in a second. Because that's what I feel. I loved our relationship. I would just forget what he did and take him back. That relationship was one that I would've stayed in Merrill for, barring he would've stopped seeing and talking to Derek completely. I know what you're thinking. "Why would you take him back after all this"?
I forgive. All the time. Biggest lesson I've learned is that I need to forgive or I'll be forgotten.
I don't care what some people think about me. But I care what people that I cared about think of me. Especially exboyfriends, and girlfriends. Brandi my exgirlfriend that I was with for 2 years... we hated eachother for so long. But it ate me up inside. It killed me. So we worked it out. This stuff with Jeff is so deep that I don't know where to start. You want to know if anything is wrong with me right now? Yes, I am still completely lost with this situation. Jeff and I still care about eachother. Regardless of all the things he's said. He's told me when it was just him and I on the phone that he still loved me. That he still cares about me. I still care about him. I've cried twice over this. Once because I hated him and the other because I hated that I still care about him so much. Then I have to consider. Why did he cheat on me...
My first thought. What did I do. Regardless of what I am told. I did one thing wrong. I didn't stay in Merrill. I didn't fight for my job at Dow. I didn't try hard enough to make him know that I was falling in love with him. I still can't live a day without wondering why I didn't do everything that I could to keep him. I have my faults and now I am actually seeing them.
The egotism and arrogance that people see is the biggest cover that I've ever had. I am by far one of the most insecure people. I don't like my hair, voice, stomach, and among other things... my feet. I know that people don't like me. But they pretend to, though I see right through it. I don't know why though. Especially new people. I am so nice and welcoming to new people. I smile, I talk, I joke, I make them laugh, I do all that I can to make them comfortable. But some people just get this initial impression of the 5'5 130lb. half assed scene kid. That I am manipulative, irritating, ugly and egotistic. Forgive my over confident shield against all my imperfections.
Sorry that this is so long but it has to be. If you really want to know me... Read.
My biggest issue right now. Is that people think that I cheated on Jeff. Well after reading what you just did. I hope maybe I changed your mind. Going out on that limb should've given you something to go from...