(no subject)
Reading back on my journal, i was way more interesting when i was at uni. Even between the whinging about assignments and being tired. Now i'm all just "here is the direction my life is/isn't going", and without ever having really gone wherever it is that i say it's going. Maybe i'll start writing again about the non-fiction books i'm reading. I liked those posts. They had a certain element of usefulness that i've since lost.
I don't know about art at the moment. I'm getting back into a piano vortex. It means that I always think about teaching and playing, and when i try to make art, it lacks focus and seems drab and unvital. The two reverse themselves, sometimes, so that piano and teaching become irrelevent to me and i can only focus on art stuff. Why can't i just synthesise the two?!! I have been trying to, in the stuff i'm making. But i don't know if it's working. I think i need to write a, what's it called. A manifesto. I'll make it like an essay, with references and arguments and so forth. That way i will have something to grab onto when i have no idea what i'm doing.
Creative shit aside, I keep having the feeling that i should be focusing more on money and having a house and a pet and superannuation and enough money to sometimes go to Bali and things. I thought my chosen vocations were anti-all this social expectation stuff, but it turns out that the craving for basic, conformative security transgresses surface values.
I'm going to have a shower now, and go teach theory for an hour, visit grandma, and then go to the Heart Foundation quiz night. Why am i doing this the night before mother's day, when i need to perform?! The last time i was at a stressful performance-related event (the Suzuki levels, where i wasn't even performing. My students were though) i had a breakdown, so i'm really hoping that doesn't happen this time.
I don't know about art at the moment. I'm getting back into a piano vortex. It means that I always think about teaching and playing, and when i try to make art, it lacks focus and seems drab and unvital. The two reverse themselves, sometimes, so that piano and teaching become irrelevent to me and i can only focus on art stuff. Why can't i just synthesise the two?!! I have been trying to, in the stuff i'm making. But i don't know if it's working. I think i need to write a, what's it called. A manifesto. I'll make it like an essay, with references and arguments and so forth. That way i will have something to grab onto when i have no idea what i'm doing.
Creative shit aside, I keep having the feeling that i should be focusing more on money and having a house and a pet and superannuation and enough money to sometimes go to Bali and things. I thought my chosen vocations were anti-all this social expectation stuff, but it turns out that the craving for basic, conformative security transgresses surface values.
I'm going to have a shower now, and go teach theory for an hour, visit grandma, and then go to the Heart Foundation quiz night. Why am i doing this the night before mother's day, when i need to perform?! The last time i was at a stressful performance-related event (the Suzuki levels, where i wasn't even performing. My students were though) i had a breakdown, so i'm really hoping that doesn't happen this time.