Aug 03, 2003 23:46
Wow! It's been so long since I've been on LJ. It was fun looking back at my old entry.
I am in love again with a guy who doesn't want to grow up. I think I am attracted to these guys because as much as I say I want to be in a serious relationship, I am scared to death of it. This time it is different. I am sooo attracted to Jay. His eyes have so much power over me. And he actually knows what to do. I used to get nothing out of oral sex and he had me screaming in about 5 minutes. And to top it off he's smart!! Unlike my last boyfriend... I was certain that his dog knew more about life than he did. Jay is going to be a lawyer and he works hard, alot harder than I do. And he's funny and has a good heart. But Jay is also flaky and drinks way too much. To the point that his eyes roll back in his head. About 3 times a week. And I don't know if he can change because he doesn't think he has a problem. I should have known that he was an addict of some sort if he wanted to go out with me. But then again, how many of us make it to 25 without becoming a slave to something?..that one thing that keeps us going when there doesn't seem to be much out there.
Well, even so I can't see the relationship going anywhere if this is the way he wants to live his life. I am so sick of starting, stopping, and then starting over again with someone new. I just want it to be easy but I know it wont ever be. And if I start over again, I know he wont talk like Jay or look like Jay or even smell like Jay. Lord, I am so hooked. He was away all weekend and all I did was eat and think about how the relationship is not how I want it to be. I need to talk to him but what if he says he never wants to change? Then I have to end it and then what? Look again? I'm just tired!