Life in Grad School
I think I enrolled in grad school so I wouldn't have time to think about my life. But it doesn't matter even with barely any free time I am constantly obsessing about how my life falls short of what I want it to be. G-d, I am so obsessed with fucking perfection. And I'm still convinced that everyone has it but me. You don't understand I go to school with these perfect, pretty, skinny girls in their mid 20's and they all have serious boyfriends or are engaged. I've never had a boyfriend that lasted for more than 3 months; in fact, the average length of my relationships is about two weeks. But that's not so surprising when I don't have many true friendships as well.
Supposedly this is not my fault. I'm an only child- I was meant to have social problems. And my family is dysfunctional and my parents hate each other- where was I supposed to learn what a healthy relationship is like? But I feel like I have tried. And every time I open up to a guy I regret it. Just reinforcing my belief that I can't trust anybody.
So I guess I'm not over my first "serious relationship." I feel like I'll never understand the male mind. That's what bothers me most is that I can't pinpoint where the transition was from - you're so beautiful and I love you to- you're so unhappy all the time and you demand so much from me. And bringing me back to the stereotype that all men care about is sex. And to a certain extent I know that is true. But how come most people I know find guys who stick around? Is is the guys or is it me?
"I just want to tell you one thing, I love you very much." Those words scarred me more than the sex. I don't think sex is a big deal any more. No matter what the community I grew up in believes, sex does not change a person or alter their worth. Like a friend in my program who liberated herself from a strict Indian upbringing said. "Sex is putting your body through an experience, it cannot change the essence of a person." And so even if I fell for someone's trick- I forgave myself almost immediately. The desire for sex is G-d given and so completely human. To deny it is really to deny your humanity.
I don't like living alone. Like my friend Lisa experiences, demons come to visit me at night. They act out my fears in sequences as in a play. They are more violent and sexual than any movie I've seen on the big screen. I wake up and pass from one nightmare into the next. I walk right into the life I feel I have no control over. I have to go to school so I can make money. I have to make money so I can pay off school. Do I know what I want to do with my life? I can't even decide what I want to eat for lunch most days. But time is ticking by and I have to account for it somehow.
Right now I am in a state of peace. Tomorrow morning will bring me back to reality.
Supposedly this is not my fault. I'm an only child- I was meant to have social problems. And my family is dysfunctional and my parents hate each other- where was I supposed to learn what a healthy relationship is like? But I feel like I have tried. And every time I open up to a guy I regret it. Just reinforcing my belief that I can't trust anybody.
So I guess I'm not over my first "serious relationship." I feel like I'll never understand the male mind. That's what bothers me most is that I can't pinpoint where the transition was from - you're so beautiful and I love you to- you're so unhappy all the time and you demand so much from me. And bringing me back to the stereotype that all men care about is sex. And to a certain extent I know that is true. But how come most people I know find guys who stick around? Is is the guys or is it me?
"I just want to tell you one thing, I love you very much." Those words scarred me more than the sex. I don't think sex is a big deal any more. No matter what the community I grew up in believes, sex does not change a person or alter their worth. Like a friend in my program who liberated herself from a strict Indian upbringing said. "Sex is putting your body through an experience, it cannot change the essence of a person." And so even if I fell for someone's trick- I forgave myself almost immediately. The desire for sex is G-d given and so completely human. To deny it is really to deny your humanity.
I don't like living alone. Like my friend Lisa experiences, demons come to visit me at night. They act out my fears in sequences as in a play. They are more violent and sexual than any movie I've seen on the big screen. I wake up and pass from one nightmare into the next. I walk right into the life I feel I have no control over. I have to go to school so I can make money. I have to make money so I can pay off school. Do I know what I want to do with my life? I can't even decide what I want to eat for lunch most days. But time is ticking by and I have to account for it somehow.
Right now I am in a state of peace. Tomorrow morning will bring me back to reality.