The Sight of Blood
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The sex I had with Kevin a few nights ago has come back to plaque me and quite literally. I leak from my penis and for the 5th time. Fortunately I have been treated for this 4 times before and due to the treatment and the constant occurances the discharge isn't accompanied by the agonizing burning sensation--Thank you Lord--however, I've been through this and I know what it is without having to get a diagnosis, though that shall surely come from a professional medical provider.
The thing about this disease is that no matter how many times you catch it you always experience the painful erections and it seems as though no matter how much you try to keep your mind off sex during this contamination of the body you always someway, somehow end up with an erection--and it's not pleasing. Last night as I slept, blood began to fill my penis, the pain followed. I tried my hardest to get my penis to remain at ease but I couldn't. It was due to the simple fact that I was laying in a still position which caused the blood to settle in my penis causing an erection. I hated it! I tossed and turned holding my cock in a downward position attempting to ease the pain. This worked for a moment but the constant pumping would send sharp pain through the shaft and force it upward. I have to get treated--I thought to myself. My despair had come this morning when I had finally risen from the bed and there I saw It...it was the wetness that I felt as I tossed and turned, I remember the first time that I had contracted this disease that I had been so alarmed by it's sight that I had to call off work the next day to go to the emergency room at Grady. Along with a yellowish discharge was this sight of.....blood.
Like I've said before it was alarming, and just as alarming as it was almost 3,4years ago during the first occurence. What can't I seem to learn? What am I not understanding? Is sex so pleasing to me that I have to have it and not think about he use of a condom. It felt so good to penetrate Kevin, it was a small piece of heaven. Someone might think that such a comparison is an absurdity, gay sex Vs God (the Kingdom of Heaven)--I could see their point. But when I look at the hell I've been going through--sex is the only thing that feels good to me. No encouraging words, no steps closer to my dreams could ever make me feel as though I have reached heaven, but two bodies connecting to one another in the steam of sex--even if two strangers--to me it's like a temporal presentation of bliss, my heaven.
So do I tell Kevin? Yes? No? One would think that the answer is simple "YES!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!" but it's not that simple. The last time I contracted gonnorhea it had come from CJ. CJ and I aren't friends to this very day. I opted not to tell him but I felt as though he should know. I wasn't mad with CJ as I am a man of my responsibilities and I know that it takes TWO to tango. He was just as guilty as I was at the time and as I am NOW. But I hurt CJ when I told him and hurting him hurt me. I mean how do you just come out and tell someone "hey you got me sick." I couldn't imagine the devastation. I don't want to do that to Kevin, but there doesn't seem to be any way around this....he has to know the result of our unprotected sexual encounter.
Now I sit and think to myself if whether or not I have dodged the big one again. I think about my mother's condition and I shake my head--breathing deeply at the thought that I am living an unhealthy sexual lifestyle and the only thing worse than gonnorhea is herpes and if not herpes--- AIDS. God has been with me through all my slip ups and each time that I contracted Gonnorhea I had been tested for HIV/AIDS and each time the result came back negative. I felt like my life had been saved once again. But this is the 5th time that I have contracted the same STD and from 5 different people what are the odds that I'll be saved again?