The Object of Envy...
So sleepy this morning... I really don't even feel like writing this but life keeps gong regardless of my fatigue. Tomorrow we have the radio show which i am more than excited to be a part of. The show is coming COMING COMING--opening night is right around the corner. I can't believe this is happening again. ME, in another production and this time...I didn't give up due to circumstances or quote on quote "drama." And again I am a leading male...this must mean something right?
Last night at rehearsals, I allowed myself to settle into the fact that THERE WILL ALWAYS BE OPPOSITION in whatever it is that I do. I am noticing that my male counterpart has taken some kind of hostility toward me, perhaps he is envious for whatever reason but whatever it is...I decided that I don't really like him because of it. I don't get it....I mean he too is a lead, the play is about OUR characters so why does he envy me? (Chris just came to the dispatch window with some hot chocalate for me...whispering "good morning"--he walked away and blew a kiss--double backed to check the office adjacent to mine to make sure no one had seen him make such a bold move--no one saw him but the surveilance cameras catch everything). At first Jonathan's actions toward me made me feel like I needed to water down my performance, kinda step out of the limelight, though my character demands it. But then, like I said earlier, it hit me that there will always be opposition in whatever it is that I do--if I allow people like Jonathan to scare me away from my dreams then I will never see them come true.
I am noticing that with every invovlement of mine, there is somebody there that does not like me for a reason only appearant to themselves but I can't stop WONT STOP!!! NOT TODAY! NOT THIS TIME!!!
Chris says that he really loves me and he wants to be with me. I have to say that I NEVER thought that things would end up this way and quite frankly I am regretting it BIG TIME!!! I don't want to be with Chris. Do I care for him? Yes!! But my attraction to him was of a physical nature and nothing more. I played more cards and won the game but the rewards are far more than what I imagined. I wasn't expecting my supervisor to fall in love with me. I mean, he told me that he can't stop thinking about me. All I wanted to do was have sex with him, llay in the bed beside him and I got that but I didn't ask for his hand in marriage--not that I could see myself EVER marrying a guy. Nonetheless, I am looking at ways to get myself out of this before it gets ugly. A romance between a superior and his suborniate is abominable. The only percs I get at having Chris close to me is the info he gives me about the job and about what going on with our co-workers. And boy has he told me some shit...He told me that they are getting ready to fire Joyce. You know--okay well MDD knows but livjournal doesn't..Joyce, I rarely talk about her but she has the nastiest attitude of all the officers she has write-up in her file, left and right. They are getting ready to start the renovations on the hotel and that mean CUT BACKS Joyce has given them more than enough reason for them to save some money. I feel so bad for her as she doesn't even know of it, yet. Hell! I'm not supposed to know but that is the type of info you recieve when you're loved and trusted by you superior on an intimate level.