(no subject)
sorry for my recent quietness in this magical bit of electronic communication, but i think i may have promised myself some time back not to use it anymore, can't really remember. just because it got to the point where any remotely clever or pretty or "insightful" thought was followed by an urge to type it down in mis-spelled words and force you all to share it with me. i'm already run by so many silly habits i wanted to undo this sickness when i saw it for what it was. but for the sake of my ever distant love i'm writing. but what?... well, i've listened to elliott smith's self-titled album essentially all day. it's really just a cd but i like the word album a great deal better, it sounds heavier, sweeter, tastier. yummm... album. a rhyme! well, so but anyways, it made me think of the first time i realized i love him. i was on some sort of road trip that i don't recall leading to anything with my mom and sister. the dark had exposed the stars and i was in the middle seat listening to esther's royal tannenbaum soundtrack and playing needle in the hay again and again and again, careful not to let esther know because a boy who was hurting her heart was obsessed with elliott and she was determined not to like his music. i remember holding my breath when he mumbled four more blocks plus the one in my brain. i still do, but i think i may be faking it. i was just thinking how strange it is that he was alive that night, thinking something or just being, songs in his head i didn't know at the time and maybe never will, saying fresh words while i repeated old ones of startling perfection in my mind. and now he's not thinking a thing and those songs are dead inside him and i'm still listening, still startled and sick with his beauty. god i really like this song. so... i went back to what i'd missed and commented some, y'all should check that out if you want. hmmsmakdjwsmall. smallish. mammalian. soooo... le's see... i think it's awesome your quiting to whatever degree, oli. you might try gum or something if it's getting too hard. sorry i keep missing your calls, but we will talk. i mentioned emailing to my mom and she sounded down, though she clearly hasn't gotten to it yet. i only just discovered that there's a line in single file that goes all we got to show what we really are is the scars on our arms. on the cd he sings the same kind of scars, instead. it made me sad that mine are fading. i guess i could redo them. someday, when i feel like it. or maybe that's not me anymore. hopscotch is an awesome book. it affects my breathing, as well. so i guess i'm outtie.
love,
ivy