feelings....
feelings (pl., n. feeling): something that should be dealt with and not burried or hidden.
i have all of these feelings. feelings for one person in particular. we all know who she is...her name is steph. these feelings are so INCREDIBLY hard to deal with! all i really wanted to do is not feel any pain...none at all. i wanted to be able to walk away from this and not hurt. well...that's not happening. i tried to force myself to do something with someone else last night. instead of making my feelings disappear...it made them ten times worse. no i am sad and very alone. i may have lost the respect of the one person i love more than anyone or anything and who used to love me as much or more than anyone else in my life. she was stunning, the times we had together unparalelled by any other life experience. and now she's gone...i hope she'll talk to me again....someday...soon.
i went to the er last night, too. had to ask steph for a ride. really scared. the whole thing really sucked. no parking...we had to walk like 5 minuted from her car to the school. i would do anything for her in exchange for this. she is a truely wonderful person for helping me in spite of everything that we went through last night. this is one of the many reasons why i love her (still) and want her to be in my life somehow.
okay, so obviously getting drunk and trying to hide my feelings for someone is not going to cut it. so, i am going to make a promise right here on lj: i, andy wright, between now and january, am going to do what i do best: my own thing. no dating, no sex, no kissing, no drinking....only school, work, family, friends. i tried to live fast last night and paid a horrible and expensive (monetary and emotional) price for it. this is not going to happen again. i have an appt. with the counseling ctr to work out all/some of my problems. i am going to do this between now and january. i am going to prove to the world that andy wright is responsible, is not a jerk, is someone capable of loving and being loved. i am going to make myself into something/someone that both her and (most importantly) i want to live with and love.
thinking about loving myself reminds me of a line from one of my psych 205 papers: "...no more of always wanting to be someone else...no one is going to stop me from loving me, not even myself."
and that's all there is to it. i have a lot of work to do...work that, hopefully, will allow me to get back something that i carelessly lost: the one girl who i truely loved (and still do love).
i have all of these feelings. feelings for one person in particular. we all know who she is...her name is steph. these feelings are so INCREDIBLY hard to deal with! all i really wanted to do is not feel any pain...none at all. i wanted to be able to walk away from this and not hurt. well...that's not happening. i tried to force myself to do something with someone else last night. instead of making my feelings disappear...it made them ten times worse. no i am sad and very alone. i may have lost the respect of the one person i love more than anyone or anything and who used to love me as much or more than anyone else in my life. she was stunning, the times we had together unparalelled by any other life experience. and now she's gone...i hope she'll talk to me again....someday...soon.
i went to the er last night, too. had to ask steph for a ride. really scared. the whole thing really sucked. no parking...we had to walk like 5 minuted from her car to the school. i would do anything for her in exchange for this. she is a truely wonderful person for helping me in spite of everything that we went through last night. this is one of the many reasons why i love her (still) and want her to be in my life somehow.
okay, so obviously getting drunk and trying to hide my feelings for someone is not going to cut it. so, i am going to make a promise right here on lj: i, andy wright, between now and january, am going to do what i do best: my own thing. no dating, no sex, no kissing, no drinking....only school, work, family, friends. i tried to live fast last night and paid a horrible and expensive (monetary and emotional) price for it. this is not going to happen again. i have an appt. with the counseling ctr to work out all/some of my problems. i am going to do this between now and january. i am going to prove to the world that andy wright is responsible, is not a jerk, is someone capable of loving and being loved. i am going to make myself into something/someone that both her and (most importantly) i want to live with and love.
thinking about loving myself reminds me of a line from one of my psych 205 papers: "...no more of always wanting to be someone else...no one is going to stop me from loving me, not even myself."
and that's all there is to it. i have a lot of work to do...work that, hopefully, will allow me to get back something that i carelessly lost: the one girl who i truely loved (and still do love).