Rant about my idiotic ex/baby daddy.
Resisted the very strong urge today to weigh. You know, I was overheated last night. And therefore, felt swollen in the morn'. But I said eff off and got along with my day. Today, I did a comparison of my tummy from last year to this year. I'll post it for my girls that get to see my pics. haha Anyway... It's been a weird few days. I contacted every single teacher of my boys. and I am gradually hearing back from them. They say that they are sweet, and smart, etc. My oldest has work completed that the teacher is finding. Just simply not turned in. So frustrating! I gave them all my telephone number, or email address and told them I was available at their discretion. I will get them back on track, and they are going to hate me. But they will love me later in life. And I need to find a recipe that doesn't have eggs or peanut butter to bake for my sons class. He's in "home ec" and is "presenting" on modnay. I think that I found a jewish recipe that is good.
Then I'm dealing with their dad. I don't understand why he has to make everything difficult. He picks them up every other weekend. That translates to (normally) twice a month. Four measily days a month. he has switched weekends, switched times, skipped weekends and made them up. And now the last two weekends is telling me that he needs to drop them off an hour earlier because he has a flight. You can catch flights ALL the time. You know the schedule, why can't you just get a flight where you can see your kids for the full 98 hours a month? It is so irritating. And then I asked since he was going to be late if he was going to be able to take our son to his dance, or if I needed to. He said that he would be able to, but to make sure that they are dressed appropriately. I'm so sick of his snide comments. And they are so passive aggressive. I responded that he wears what he wants to the dance, as it isn't' formal. But I'll mention it to him that it's a concern of "yours". Seeing as how "you" purchase most of their school clothes, I am unsure of how they don't meet your standards. To which he said they have holes, and are stained, and his shoes are dirty. That's a bold face lie. The last time my son wasn't taken to the dance for his clothes was because he said they were basketball shorts! I do laundry ALL the time. They are not stained. Some may have slight holes (in which case, I tell them not to wear them) but all kids have favorites that get worn out sometimes. And it's snowing outside, their white nikes are not going to be in pristine condition! They aren't dirty though. Ugh. So I wrote him back, and reminded him of the fact of the basketball shorts. It's funny how he makes himself look so good through email just in case it were ever brought up in court. And then I said that I do not "send" them in their clothes, as they aren't toddlers. They are (almost) 12 and 13, THEY pick their clothes. And if he has a problem with what THEY choose to wear, he should take it up with THEM. I'm so tired of him holding my accountable for their actions. That's part of the problem! When my son stole a fish oil pill from me, I wrote their dad. I said it was simply a fish oil pill, but if it was someone elses house, who knows what it would have been? He calls my son, asks him, "You stole that pill because you were bored at your mothers house, huh?" (great, way to hand him an excuse!) and then went on to tell him that he would buy him books to read so that he wasn't in trouble!!!! So he essentially rewarded theft (I know it's JUST a fish oil pill, but when you take something that doesn't belong to you, without asking, and damage it, it's theft). So every time I discipline the kids for their behavior, just jumps in and says it isn't their fault. Who do you think they get mad for making them accountable for their actions? Me. I guess, I shouldn't be surprised. he cheated on a first wife, had an illegal sexual relationship with a minor, cheated on that girl, and blamed everyone else for his selfish actions. I shouldnt expect more from him. It just makes me angry. I've addressed this with him, several times, but he has yet to get the message. He was emailing me back and forth, but after my last email he has yet to respond. Maybe he's in a meeting, or maybe he realizes hes an asshole. I doubt it. Such a fine line between not covering for his dumb ass so the kids think he walks on water, and not bashing him for sport. Because, believe, I could make it a sport after everything he put me through.
I'm worried about my ED friend. She doesn't look well. I wish so badly I could help her!!! She has been an anchor for me, and she has small kids. I hope she is ok. I hope she doesn't die. The doctors are concerned. Just say a prayer for her, ok? I dont' have a lot of people that can relate IRL. That may sound selfish. I don't mean it to be.
Ok, moving onto the reflections. These sucked. Just so you know.
How do me and my mother get along? Right now we aren't speaking. And aside from when she showed up IN my home uninvited, we hadn't spoken in almost five years. Prior to that, we had a bipolar relationship depending on how high she was, and what mood I was in. She has always talked about everything with me, including sex. At a young age she told me that I was lucky I didn't run down her leg. I was lucky I wasn't the child she aborted. She would talk about how my "Uncle" dad and her would do it on the living room floor, doggy style. And all his fantasies. She even had him show me his Prince Albert, as an adult. But she likes to play the victim, and so if I had a problem with her there wasn't discussing it. Because I was the problem. Her excuses dumped salt in old wounds, and I found it easier to mourn her as though she were dead than to strive for a relationship with her. I remember reading this chapter and remembering the time she pinched my twig legs as a teen and said she could pinch more on me than her (she is MASSIVELY overweight), and given that she is awkwardly out of proportion (think humpty dumpty on toothpick legs) it was true that she could pinch more, which was horrific.
How do me and my daughter get along? I have the same bipolar going on. Her antics drive me crazy. She is overly sensitive, and whiny, and needy, and everything I hate about myself. So it drives me crazy. But I adore her, and I spend time with her, and I never shove her away. And I recognize this is my problem. So I try to act opposite to ho I feel. But overall, she's also a kick ass kid with a heart of gold, sensitive to those around her, thoughtful, and always ready to lend a hand. She's fun, and open.
What similarities do I see between the two relationship? Hmm.. There isn't a consistent connectedness. but is there in any relationship? I feel connected to my daughter more fiercely than others, and I have moments of her driving my crazy. But that's all of my kids. lol I'm always so afraid of being my mom that I think I read more into it than there actually is.
How do I talk about and/or treat my body in front of my daughter? My husband says that I sometimes say things. But I try really hard to be cautious. If I am trying it on, I don't say "this doesn't fit me" I say, "This is the incorrect size" I also make sure that I say playing dress up is fun, but what's more important is to make sure you are a beautiful person on the inside, and "you" are! I don't want her to be so focused on her outside appearance, but I don't want to have her think she's ugly. It's such a thing line!
How does my view of myself match up with what I tell my children about their worth? ha! It doesn't at all. I KNOW what the right thing is to say. I know what the right thing is to DO in front of my kids, but I'm a hypocrite in my head.
Have I ever apologized to my children? If not, why? yeah, I have apologized to my kids. If I eff up, I own it. Accountability for ones actions is very important to me. I hate apologizing. But I want my kids to treat others how they would like to be treated. And while I would like to start that by being perfect and handling everything perfectly, that's not realistic. So, the next best thing is apologizing. Because that's how I would want people to treat me when they mess up.
What do I remember about meal times growing up? Mom rarely cooked. It was fast food a lot as I got older. And we rarely sat around the table at all.
What messages did my mom send me about body image and self-esteem? She helped to cement in my mind that I was worth my body. she encouraged provocative dress with bare stomach, and shorts so short that my pockets hung out the bottom. She encouraged sex because that's what kids do. She would play the biker rally video of her stripper friend baring her breasts on top of a truck for my boyfriend to see. He was a pastors kid, btw.
What messages did my dad send me? My step dad didn't really send a message. The only time he got upset was when I ran to get a shirt out of the dryer, at about 14, and I was topless/braless. That, understandably, made him feel uncomfortable so he yelled at me to put a shirt on. Which, then, made me feel ashamed about my body. But I know that wasn't his intent. My mom also thought it was funny that I saw his penis one time as he was passed out drunk, and brought it up the next morning. He was humiliated. and it was embarrassing. My bio dad wasn't around a lot. And because of my sexual abuse as a kid, I felt uncomfortable around him. One night, he was drunk and kissed me on the next, telling me that I was beautiful and he would date me if I weren't his daughter. So, the focus was usually on my looks, not my character. He since apologized, but doesn't remember doing that.
What were my parents attitudes toward physical activity? They were entirely too open! my mom got mad at my dad for looking at porn, so we drove to the porn store to get male porn. I was a minor. And she also hung up women on his wall since he wanted to look at them. Butt naked. Spread open. Can we see where I might be triggered by sexuality? They left the doors open while having sex. Her excuse was that if the door was closed we became suspicious of what was going on. She left the door open while going to the bathroom, changing her tampon. Whatever. I'm more modest, but my husband and I will peck, and hug, and hold hands, and sometimes playfully slap each other on the butts if we are walking by. Or I will sit on his lap. Not in a perverted, grinding way, but to snuggle. I think that's all appropriate.
How have their opinions shaped mine, and which do I actually agree with? I let my husband decide what's appropriate. Because I am inclined to be too open, and his parents did a better job. I mean, I have talked about sex with my kids. But I haven't talked about sex with my husband, with my kids. I just say that it's something created by God, and it's good, and it's meant for married people. I feel as teenagers this is appropriate.
That was a bunch of triggering things I'd rather not have discussed. But, it is what it is, and hopefully good insight will come from it.
We are thinking of getting a dog for Christmas. I have one that is free, and a puppy, and I need to call a place to see what it is to get her spade.
I did insanity today. Cardio recovery. But I lost the actual disc, so I youtubed people doing the video online and followed along. I had done it enough that I had a decent idea. I may do something else. That doesn't feel like enough. Then again if I dusted and vacuumed and mopped and did laundry that would be a good workout.
I should go. I'm procrastinating now.
Then I'm dealing with their dad. I don't understand why he has to make everything difficult. He picks them up every other weekend. That translates to (normally) twice a month. Four measily days a month. he has switched weekends, switched times, skipped weekends and made them up. And now the last two weekends is telling me that he needs to drop them off an hour earlier because he has a flight. You can catch flights ALL the time. You know the schedule, why can't you just get a flight where you can see your kids for the full 98 hours a month? It is so irritating. And then I asked since he was going to be late if he was going to be able to take our son to his dance, or if I needed to. He said that he would be able to, but to make sure that they are dressed appropriately. I'm so sick of his snide comments. And they are so passive aggressive. I responded that he wears what he wants to the dance, as it isn't' formal. But I'll mention it to him that it's a concern of "yours". Seeing as how "you" purchase most of their school clothes, I am unsure of how they don't meet your standards. To which he said they have holes, and are stained, and his shoes are dirty. That's a bold face lie. The last time my son wasn't taken to the dance for his clothes was because he said they were basketball shorts! I do laundry ALL the time. They are not stained. Some may have slight holes (in which case, I tell them not to wear them) but all kids have favorites that get worn out sometimes. And it's snowing outside, their white nikes are not going to be in pristine condition! They aren't dirty though. Ugh. So I wrote him back, and reminded him of the fact of the basketball shorts. It's funny how he makes himself look so good through email just in case it were ever brought up in court. And then I said that I do not "send" them in their clothes, as they aren't toddlers. They are (almost) 12 and 13, THEY pick their clothes. And if he has a problem with what THEY choose to wear, he should take it up with THEM. I'm so tired of him holding my accountable for their actions. That's part of the problem! When my son stole a fish oil pill from me, I wrote their dad. I said it was simply a fish oil pill, but if it was someone elses house, who knows what it would have been? He calls my son, asks him, "You stole that pill because you were bored at your mothers house, huh?" (great, way to hand him an excuse!) and then went on to tell him that he would buy him books to read so that he wasn't in trouble!!!! So he essentially rewarded theft (I know it's JUST a fish oil pill, but when you take something that doesn't belong to you, without asking, and damage it, it's theft). So every time I discipline the kids for their behavior, just jumps in and says it isn't their fault. Who do you think they get mad for making them accountable for their actions? Me. I guess, I shouldn't be surprised. he cheated on a first wife, had an illegal sexual relationship with a minor, cheated on that girl, and blamed everyone else for his selfish actions. I shouldnt expect more from him. It just makes me angry. I've addressed this with him, several times, but he has yet to get the message. He was emailing me back and forth, but after my last email he has yet to respond. Maybe he's in a meeting, or maybe he realizes hes an asshole. I doubt it. Such a fine line between not covering for his dumb ass so the kids think he walks on water, and not bashing him for sport. Because, believe, I could make it a sport after everything he put me through.
I'm worried about my ED friend. She doesn't look well. I wish so badly I could help her!!! She has been an anchor for me, and she has small kids. I hope she is ok. I hope she doesn't die. The doctors are concerned. Just say a prayer for her, ok? I dont' have a lot of people that can relate IRL. That may sound selfish. I don't mean it to be.
Ok, moving onto the reflections. These sucked. Just so you know.
How do me and my mother get along? Right now we aren't speaking. And aside from when she showed up IN my home uninvited, we hadn't spoken in almost five years. Prior to that, we had a bipolar relationship depending on how high she was, and what mood I was in. She has always talked about everything with me, including sex. At a young age she told me that I was lucky I didn't run down her leg. I was lucky I wasn't the child she aborted. She would talk about how my "Uncle" dad and her would do it on the living room floor, doggy style. And all his fantasies. She even had him show me his Prince Albert, as an adult. But she likes to play the victim, and so if I had a problem with her there wasn't discussing it. Because I was the problem. Her excuses dumped salt in old wounds, and I found it easier to mourn her as though she were dead than to strive for a relationship with her. I remember reading this chapter and remembering the time she pinched my twig legs as a teen and said she could pinch more on me than her (she is MASSIVELY overweight), and given that she is awkwardly out of proportion (think humpty dumpty on toothpick legs) it was true that she could pinch more, which was horrific.
How do me and my daughter get along? I have the same bipolar going on. Her antics drive me crazy. She is overly sensitive, and whiny, and needy, and everything I hate about myself. So it drives me crazy. But I adore her, and I spend time with her, and I never shove her away. And I recognize this is my problem. So I try to act opposite to ho I feel. But overall, she's also a kick ass kid with a heart of gold, sensitive to those around her, thoughtful, and always ready to lend a hand. She's fun, and open.
What similarities do I see between the two relationship? Hmm.. There isn't a consistent connectedness. but is there in any relationship? I feel connected to my daughter more fiercely than others, and I have moments of her driving my crazy. But that's all of my kids. lol I'm always so afraid of being my mom that I think I read more into it than there actually is.
How do I talk about and/or treat my body in front of my daughter? My husband says that I sometimes say things. But I try really hard to be cautious. If I am trying it on, I don't say "this doesn't fit me" I say, "This is the incorrect size" I also make sure that I say playing dress up is fun, but what's more important is to make sure you are a beautiful person on the inside, and "you" are! I don't want her to be so focused on her outside appearance, but I don't want to have her think she's ugly. It's such a thing line!
How does my view of myself match up with what I tell my children about their worth? ha! It doesn't at all. I KNOW what the right thing is to say. I know what the right thing is to DO in front of my kids, but I'm a hypocrite in my head.
Have I ever apologized to my children? If not, why? yeah, I have apologized to my kids. If I eff up, I own it. Accountability for ones actions is very important to me. I hate apologizing. But I want my kids to treat others how they would like to be treated. And while I would like to start that by being perfect and handling everything perfectly, that's not realistic. So, the next best thing is apologizing. Because that's how I would want people to treat me when they mess up.
What do I remember about meal times growing up? Mom rarely cooked. It was fast food a lot as I got older. And we rarely sat around the table at all.
What messages did my mom send me about body image and self-esteem? She helped to cement in my mind that I was worth my body. she encouraged provocative dress with bare stomach, and shorts so short that my pockets hung out the bottom. She encouraged sex because that's what kids do. She would play the biker rally video of her stripper friend baring her breasts on top of a truck for my boyfriend to see. He was a pastors kid, btw.
What messages did my dad send me? My step dad didn't really send a message. The only time he got upset was when I ran to get a shirt out of the dryer, at about 14, and I was topless/braless. That, understandably, made him feel uncomfortable so he yelled at me to put a shirt on. Which, then, made me feel ashamed about my body. But I know that wasn't his intent. My mom also thought it was funny that I saw his penis one time as he was passed out drunk, and brought it up the next morning. He was humiliated. and it was embarrassing. My bio dad wasn't around a lot. And because of my sexual abuse as a kid, I felt uncomfortable around him. One night, he was drunk and kissed me on the next, telling me that I was beautiful and he would date me if I weren't his daughter. So, the focus was usually on my looks, not my character. He since apologized, but doesn't remember doing that.
What were my parents attitudes toward physical activity? They were entirely too open! my mom got mad at my dad for looking at porn, so we drove to the porn store to get male porn. I was a minor. And she also hung up women on his wall since he wanted to look at them. Butt naked. Spread open. Can we see where I might be triggered by sexuality? They left the doors open while having sex. Her excuse was that if the door was closed we became suspicious of what was going on. She left the door open while going to the bathroom, changing her tampon. Whatever. I'm more modest, but my husband and I will peck, and hug, and hold hands, and sometimes playfully slap each other on the butts if we are walking by. Or I will sit on his lap. Not in a perverted, grinding way, but to snuggle. I think that's all appropriate.
How have their opinions shaped mine, and which do I actually agree with? I let my husband decide what's appropriate. Because I am inclined to be too open, and his parents did a better job. I mean, I have talked about sex with my kids. But I haven't talked about sex with my husband, with my kids. I just say that it's something created by God, and it's good, and it's meant for married people. I feel as teenagers this is appropriate.
That was a bunch of triggering things I'd rather not have discussed. But, it is what it is, and hopefully good insight will come from it.
We are thinking of getting a dog for Christmas. I have one that is free, and a puppy, and I need to call a place to see what it is to get her spade.
I did insanity today. Cardio recovery. But I lost the actual disc, so I youtubed people doing the video online and followed along. I had done it enough that I had a decent idea. I may do something else. That doesn't feel like enough. Then again if I dusted and vacuumed and mopped and did laundry that would be a good workout.
I should go. I'm procrastinating now.