Last Night...
Let's recap. Rescued mom from the bar, and herself. Only to have her come home and be annoying as hell. Then, after reading a note from my soon to be ex-stepdad, she starts crying, because, " I miss that stupid mother fucker." Ring Ring. It's Melissa, I get an update of her life, which I'm sure I can't mention on here, but, it was mad dramatic, emotional... yada yada. I don't think I have ever been happier to go to work than I was last night. Work actually improved my mood. Then, I went to Jerry's for a little piece of mind, only to listen to Vanessa somewhat hound me and make me feel bad for turning her down... JESUS! What other kind of drama, and from whom is it going to come next?
In a way, it's my own fault. I care about sooo many people, that I put myself last, and try to find a middle ground for everyone. Slowly but surely I am realizing that its just not possible.
Figure this one out, Russ and Jana, I want them to be happy, my dad, I feel sorry for him and I hope his "change" is genuine, Vanessa, my heart breaks for her, but, I dont have anything for her. Last but most importantly, Melissa, I want her to be happy, even though I realize that her current happy focus could be severely painful for me.
Something I have realized, is that my friendship with Melissa is only as strong as our feelings for each other. If her and Shaun work out for the long run, I think that it could be the end of me and Melissa period. We are soo close because of how we feel about each other, I think if we didnt love each other, then our friendship couldn't exist. I dont think I could stand being around her, knowing that she didnt have it for me anymore. I know for a fact, that she cant picture me with someone else, and be happy for me.
So, is it true, that if her and Shaun work out, that it will be the final downfall for me and her. I dont know, but, either way, it scares the shit out of me. She means the world to me on two different levels. Its ironic, even though her happiness could be our downfall, thats all I want for her. Her happiness.
Another good one, nowhere in this journal, of all the people I have mentioned, do you hear me speak of me, and my own happiness. At work last night, I thought to myself, "Is there something I can do, that would make me happy for just one day?" I thought and thought, and nothing ever came. NOTHING! How fucking depressing is that? I dont even remember the things I used to do to make myself happy! I realized that the only thing that can make me happy, is a person, a female, one special female, Melissa. Even then, I cant hope for her to be with me. Cause in my heart, I know thats not what she wants, and its not her idea of happiness. At this point, I am lost, confused, unhappy, depressed, you name it, I got it.
I cant say how long I've drawn my happiness, and my well being from Melissa, but, now more than ever I realize she is the one thing that makes or breaks me. I dont know if she realizes this or not, but, its the truth. Anyone who knows true love knows what I'm talking about. Its that, cant live without, think about 24 hrs a day, want to do everything in your power to make them happy so you can see the smile on their face and the look in her eyes feeling. Love is my only happiness. I cant give it to the one I want, and I cant get it from her either. My mind is empty, but my heart is full, and if I could put my heart in to words I would keep going. At this moment though, I'm finished. No need to babble endlessly about how the person I cant have makes me feel. Good luck.
In a way, it's my own fault. I care about sooo many people, that I put myself last, and try to find a middle ground for everyone. Slowly but surely I am realizing that its just not possible.
Figure this one out, Russ and Jana, I want them to be happy, my dad, I feel sorry for him and I hope his "change" is genuine, Vanessa, my heart breaks for her, but, I dont have anything for her. Last but most importantly, Melissa, I want her to be happy, even though I realize that her current happy focus could be severely painful for me.
Something I have realized, is that my friendship with Melissa is only as strong as our feelings for each other. If her and Shaun work out for the long run, I think that it could be the end of me and Melissa period. We are soo close because of how we feel about each other, I think if we didnt love each other, then our friendship couldn't exist. I dont think I could stand being around her, knowing that she didnt have it for me anymore. I know for a fact, that she cant picture me with someone else, and be happy for me.
So, is it true, that if her and Shaun work out, that it will be the final downfall for me and her. I dont know, but, either way, it scares the shit out of me. She means the world to me on two different levels. Its ironic, even though her happiness could be our downfall, thats all I want for her. Her happiness.
Another good one, nowhere in this journal, of all the people I have mentioned, do you hear me speak of me, and my own happiness. At work last night, I thought to myself, "Is there something I can do, that would make me happy for just one day?" I thought and thought, and nothing ever came. NOTHING! How fucking depressing is that? I dont even remember the things I used to do to make myself happy! I realized that the only thing that can make me happy, is a person, a female, one special female, Melissa. Even then, I cant hope for her to be with me. Cause in my heart, I know thats not what she wants, and its not her idea of happiness. At this point, I am lost, confused, unhappy, depressed, you name it, I got it.
I cant say how long I've drawn my happiness, and my well being from Melissa, but, now more than ever I realize she is the one thing that makes or breaks me. I dont know if she realizes this or not, but, its the truth. Anyone who knows true love knows what I'm talking about. Its that, cant live without, think about 24 hrs a day, want to do everything in your power to make them happy so you can see the smile on their face and the look in her eyes feeling. Love is my only happiness. I cant give it to the one I want, and I cant get it from her either. My mind is empty, but my heart is full, and if I could put my heart in to words I would keep going. At this moment though, I'm finished. No need to babble endlessly about how the person I cant have makes me feel. Good luck.