ryan wrote this story for me in Oct. 2004
Ryan wrote this for me in 2004. It is so strange reading it. Like...obviously we had fought and something happened but I can't exactly remember why or what. I think it was the biggest "fight" Ryan and I ever got in actually. I remember that night my family went out to dinner at Villa Pasta and I started crying in the middle of dinner and it was really awk...haha. It's so weird the things we remember, even so long ago.
Also, I always thought Ryan was such a good writer. Even way back when, what he wrote was always really impressive to me. This little story he wrote reminds me of Ernest Hemingway for some reason...
"Do you think we've changed?" No response. "I'm not sure, I just don't know anymore." They sat in silence on that hill for quite a while, not saying anything. At this time silence was the last thing that they needed. They needed to talk to each other. They both knew that something had gone wrong but what it was or why it was, well… was just a mystery.
"Ya, we've changed," he finally responded. "It's not a bad thing ya know, i still love you. But change, well, its not something you can help."
"I know. It's just.. it's just, i don't even get anything anymore. Nothing makes much sense to me anymore."
He stared ahead of himself, not looking at her, not really looking at the autumn scenery below them, or at the stars in the sky. It was more like he was looking into what he wanted to see. It's that time when you're so disconnected from the world that you can practically see another world around you. "Ya i konw, nothing makes much sense to me anymore. Not our stupid problems, or school, or life, or much of anything. But ya know what does make sense?"
"NO.." she responded bewildered.
"That blue ocean sitting in front of us, that makes lots of sense to me," he said philosophically.
"We're in a sea of trees. How can you see an ocean amongst this? I don't get at all what you're saying. I never get you. You take our problems and you create stupid stories to get yourself out of your problems. Stop making up stories. I want to hear what you have to say, not a story you've made up on the spot. I want to know you, not what you've read," she snapped at him irritably.
"Just one last story. I'm pretty sure you're gonna like this one, as long as it turns out right. But you have to just look out at the sea and the white caps on the waves, and the gulls flying above us."
"uhg, i don't get you at all. We're on top of this stupid hill and all you can talk about is some ocean that doesn’t' exist and gulls that never flew, and caps on water that i doubt you've ever seen in your life. You've never left your little world. GOddamit, you've never left this town. You're so naiive, you don't see anything but what you want to see. Look ahead of you, don't you see the trees, don't you see the leaves changing colors. It's night in New England, not some dream world of yours, wake up from your dream," she responded letting her emotions and true feeling pour out. She got up from the ground next to him and started picking up her cd player, her sweatshirt, and a blanket they were laying under. And then slowly she started to walk away. Not just away from him, but she was walking away for good. Once she left this hill they were both loosing the best thing they ever had. But still he never stopped her. He never stopped her from running away because somehow he knew, that they couldn't run from their problems. They weren't like this.
"If you close your eyes right now, you can see the ocean. There's a beautiful sun rising over the horizon ya know. It's one of the prettist things i've ever seen. Besides you of course. I want to go there, but you know i can't really, because it doesn’t exist. It's just… what i want to be. But what i want to be is more important than what i'm seeing right now. YOU know what i really want to see. I want to see you. I want to see you cuddling in my arms, i want to see us falling asleep together. Don't you see it? Don't you ever see what i see? This isn’t' just me saying i love you, this is me saying that you are everything to me. I can't live without you, and i don't want to live without you. Don't leave me now because you know that's not what you want. Can't you see what you want. Just look. Look out at this ocean. It’s right in front of us and you can't see it. You can't see what you want to see. Why don't you understand that you can be what you want. If you want to swim in the bathing waters of life, wading into the ocean with crystal water you can. We aren't sitting on this hill in a forest. We're sitting on everything we’ve ever wanted to be. WE can be anything we want and one day you'll get that. And i don't want anything for myself. I just want for you, to one day, realize that you can get there. There's this place in the world where you can be anywhere you want to be, and do anything you want. There's this place where the world revolves around you. You can control the world and you might say that no one ever has any impact on the world but they do. You are the world if you want it to be. Don't you see this ocean? Don't you see your dreams anymore? Why did you ever give that up."
She stood twenty feet from him, but they were so close at that moment. They knew each other, they didn’t' have to touch to feel emotion. They were living off of each other. Her body was falling into his, and his arms were around her but they weren’t moving. And slowly she nodded her head and walked toward him. They walked toward each other. They grasped each others hands. They waded into the water of that beautiful ocean with crystal clear water and gulls flying above in the bluest sky ever seen. They were finally together in a place called heaven. Not the place that you go when you die, but that moment in your life when you touch and you feel alive, that time when you finally feel alive.
Also, I always thought Ryan was such a good writer. Even way back when, what he wrote was always really impressive to me. This little story he wrote reminds me of Ernest Hemingway for some reason...
"Do you think we've changed?" No response. "I'm not sure, I just don't know anymore." They sat in silence on that hill for quite a while, not saying anything. At this time silence was the last thing that they needed. They needed to talk to each other. They both knew that something had gone wrong but what it was or why it was, well… was just a mystery.
"Ya, we've changed," he finally responded. "It's not a bad thing ya know, i still love you. But change, well, its not something you can help."
"I know. It's just.. it's just, i don't even get anything anymore. Nothing makes much sense to me anymore."
He stared ahead of himself, not looking at her, not really looking at the autumn scenery below them, or at the stars in the sky. It was more like he was looking into what he wanted to see. It's that time when you're so disconnected from the world that you can practically see another world around you. "Ya i konw, nothing makes much sense to me anymore. Not our stupid problems, or school, or life, or much of anything. But ya know what does make sense?"
"NO.." she responded bewildered.
"That blue ocean sitting in front of us, that makes lots of sense to me," he said philosophically.
"We're in a sea of trees. How can you see an ocean amongst this? I don't get at all what you're saying. I never get you. You take our problems and you create stupid stories to get yourself out of your problems. Stop making up stories. I want to hear what you have to say, not a story you've made up on the spot. I want to know you, not what you've read," she snapped at him irritably.
"Just one last story. I'm pretty sure you're gonna like this one, as long as it turns out right. But you have to just look out at the sea and the white caps on the waves, and the gulls flying above us."
"uhg, i don't get you at all. We're on top of this stupid hill and all you can talk about is some ocean that doesn’t' exist and gulls that never flew, and caps on water that i doubt you've ever seen in your life. You've never left your little world. GOddamit, you've never left this town. You're so naiive, you don't see anything but what you want to see. Look ahead of you, don't you see the trees, don't you see the leaves changing colors. It's night in New England, not some dream world of yours, wake up from your dream," she responded letting her emotions and true feeling pour out. She got up from the ground next to him and started picking up her cd player, her sweatshirt, and a blanket they were laying under. And then slowly she started to walk away. Not just away from him, but she was walking away for good. Once she left this hill they were both loosing the best thing they ever had. But still he never stopped her. He never stopped her from running away because somehow he knew, that they couldn't run from their problems. They weren't like this.
"If you close your eyes right now, you can see the ocean. There's a beautiful sun rising over the horizon ya know. It's one of the prettist things i've ever seen. Besides you of course. I want to go there, but you know i can't really, because it doesn’t exist. It's just… what i want to be. But what i want to be is more important than what i'm seeing right now. YOU know what i really want to see. I want to see you. I want to see you cuddling in my arms, i want to see us falling asleep together. Don't you see it? Don't you ever see what i see? This isn’t' just me saying i love you, this is me saying that you are everything to me. I can't live without you, and i don't want to live without you. Don't leave me now because you know that's not what you want. Can't you see what you want. Just look. Look out at this ocean. It’s right in front of us and you can't see it. You can't see what you want to see. Why don't you understand that you can be what you want. If you want to swim in the bathing waters of life, wading into the ocean with crystal water you can. We aren't sitting on this hill in a forest. We're sitting on everything we’ve ever wanted to be. WE can be anything we want and one day you'll get that. And i don't want anything for myself. I just want for you, to one day, realize that you can get there. There's this place in the world where you can be anywhere you want to be, and do anything you want. There's this place where the world revolves around you. You can control the world and you might say that no one ever has any impact on the world but they do. You are the world if you want it to be. Don't you see this ocean? Don't you see your dreams anymore? Why did you ever give that up."
She stood twenty feet from him, but they were so close at that moment. They knew each other, they didn’t' have to touch to feel emotion. They were living off of each other. Her body was falling into his, and his arms were around her but they weren’t moving. And slowly she nodded her head and walked toward him. They walked toward each other. They grasped each others hands. They waded into the water of that beautiful ocean with crystal clear water and gulls flying above in the bluest sky ever seen. They were finally together in a place called heaven. Not the place that you go when you die, but that moment in your life when you touch and you feel alive, that time when you finally feel alive.