Of Contemplation
Thursday, December 15, 2011…. Seven years ago I was spending the last few days in Minnesota with my closest friends that I made while attending Crown College in St. Bonifacious, Minnesota. By now, we had nearly all of my belongings packed away and mailed off to my Aunt’s in Macomb, Michigan. The cherry red Plymouth Sundance America my father had given me was broken down and sitting in the back of the college parking lot, waiting to be picked up by a scraper. All I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay but I couldn’t let Aunt Kathy, Angie or Renee know that… I needed to be strong. No one could know that I was scared out of my mind…. No one needed to talk me out of what I needed to do…
What if my family in Michigan didn’t like me? What if they find out I’m gay? Where will I go if I can’t stay there? What is my father going to do when I don’t come back to Minnesota? How will my siblings survive without me to watch them grow up or learn to drive a car or learn how to shoot a gun?
All those things haunted my thoughts and my dreams but, at the same time, I was overly ecstatic for the new adventures about to unfold. Michigan. I would finally be far enough away from my parents and the Staples, Minnesota drama that it wouldn’t cause a risk of destroying my day. Michigan. I would finally be living with my Aunt “Mom” and wouldn’t be told when I could and could not see or talk to her. Michigan. I could live my life in peace away from idiocy.
This Saturday marks the seventh year since I boarded the plane in Minneapolis and headed for Detroit. I talked the ear off of the girl sitting next to me… She gave me a peace of mind and told me that my family hadn’t seen me in 14 years… they would accept whoever I was and be there to help me through it. She couldn’t have been more right.
In a way, I feel like I have benefited more from meeting my biological mother’s family once again in adulthood than I would have if I had been raised around them my entire life. I am able to speak freely with my aunt and my grandmother more than I believe I would if I had more recent memories of them being the authority figures in my life. The advice they give is astronomically more than I could ever have hoped for when I was a scared boy of eighteen… The time spent with them is valued more so when I remember I missed out on almost 15 years of life without them.
Looking back, I think I would make the same decision I had if I knew the outcome. There may have been choices along the way that I would change and people I would never meet, if I had to do it over again, but it is the people one meets through the journey of life that makes them into the person they are today. I’ve learned a lot in seven years and I have a lot more to learn in the next seven.
In the new year, I set a goal for myself…. Over the next seven years, reconnect with all those who meant something to me during that rough semester at Crown College and to those who helped shape me into the man I am today over the previous seven. To those of you this applies to, I thank you.
Thursday, December 15, 2011…. Seven years ago I was spending the last few days in Minnesota with my closest friends that I made while attending Crown College in St. Bonifacious, Minnesota. By now, we had nearly all of my belongings packed away and mailed off to my Aunt’s in Macomb, Michigan. The cherry red Plymouth Sundance America my father had given me was broken down and sitting in the back of the college parking lot, waiting to be picked up by a scraper. All I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay but I couldn’t let Aunt Kathy, Angie or Renee know that… I needed to be strong. No one could know that I was scared out of my mind…. No one needed to talk me out of what I needed to do…
What if my family in Michigan didn’t like me? What if they find out I’m gay? Where will I go if I can’t stay there? What is my father going to do when I don’t come back to Minnesota? How will my siblings survive without me to watch them grow up or learn to drive a car or learn how to shoot a gun?
All those things haunted my thoughts and my dreams but, at the same time, I was overly ecstatic for the new adventures about to unfold. Michigan. I would finally be far enough away from my parents and the Staples, Minnesota drama that it wouldn’t cause a risk of destroying my day. Michigan. I would finally be living with my Aunt “Mom” and wouldn’t be told when I could and could not see or talk to her. Michigan. I could live my life in peace away from idiocy.
This Saturday marks the seventh year since I boarded the plane in Minneapolis and headed for Detroit. I talked the ear off of the girl sitting next to me… She gave me a peace of mind and told me that my family hadn’t seen me in 14 years… they would accept whoever I was and be there to help me through it. She couldn’t have been more right.
In a way, I feel like I have benefited more from meeting my biological mother’s family once again in adulthood than I would have if I had been raised around them my entire life. I am able to speak freely with my aunt and my grandmother more than I believe I would if I had more recent memories of them being the authority figures in my life. The advice they give is astronomically more than I could ever have hoped for when I was a scared boy of eighteen… The time spent with them is valued more so when I remember I missed out on almost 15 years of life without them.
Looking back, I think I would make the same decision I had if I knew the outcome. There may have been choices along the way that I would change and people I would never meet, if I had to do it over again, but it is the people one meets through the journey of life that makes them into the person they are today. I’ve learned a lot in seven years and I have a lot more to learn in the next seven.
In the new year, I set a goal for myself…. Over the next seven years, reconnect with all those who meant something to me during that rough semester at Crown College and to those who helped shape me into the man I am today over the previous seven. To those of you this applies to, I thank you.
~tjh
What if my family in Michigan didn’t like me? What if they find out I’m gay? Where will I go if I can’t stay there? What is my father going to do when I don’t come back to Minnesota? How will my siblings survive without me to watch them grow up or learn to drive a car or learn how to shoot a gun?
All those things haunted my thoughts and my dreams but, at the same time, I was overly ecstatic for the new adventures about to unfold. Michigan. I would finally be far enough away from my parents and the Staples, Minnesota drama that it wouldn’t cause a risk of destroying my day. Michigan. I would finally be living with my Aunt “Mom” and wouldn’t be told when I could and could not see or talk to her. Michigan. I could live my life in peace away from idiocy.
This Saturday marks the seventh year since I boarded the plane in Minneapolis and headed for Detroit. I talked the ear off of the girl sitting next to me… She gave me a peace of mind and told me that my family hadn’t seen me in 14 years… they would accept whoever I was and be there to help me through it. She couldn’t have been more right.
In a way, I feel like I have benefited more from meeting my biological mother’s family once again in adulthood than I would have if I had been raised around them my entire life. I am able to speak freely with my aunt and my grandmother more than I believe I would if I had more recent memories of them being the authority figures in my life. The advice they give is astronomically more than I could ever have hoped for when I was a scared boy of eighteen… The time spent with them is valued more so when I remember I missed out on almost 15 years of life without them.
Looking back, I think I would make the same decision I had if I knew the outcome. There may have been choices along the way that I would change and people I would never meet, if I had to do it over again, but it is the people one meets through the journey of life that makes them into the person they are today. I’ve learned a lot in seven years and I have a lot more to learn in the next seven.
In the new year, I set a goal for myself…. Over the next seven years, reconnect with all those who meant something to me during that rough semester at Crown College and to those who helped shape me into the man I am today over the previous seven. To those of you this applies to, I thank you.
Thursday, December 15, 2011…. Seven years ago I was spending the last few days in Minnesota with my closest friends that I made while attending Crown College in St. Bonifacious, Minnesota. By now, we had nearly all of my belongings packed away and mailed off to my Aunt’s in Macomb, Michigan. The cherry red Plymouth Sundance America my father had given me was broken down and sitting in the back of the college parking lot, waiting to be picked up by a scraper. All I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay but I couldn’t let Aunt Kathy, Angie or Renee know that… I needed to be strong. No one could know that I was scared out of my mind…. No one needed to talk me out of what I needed to do…
What if my family in Michigan didn’t like me? What if they find out I’m gay? Where will I go if I can’t stay there? What is my father going to do when I don’t come back to Minnesota? How will my siblings survive without me to watch them grow up or learn to drive a car or learn how to shoot a gun?
All those things haunted my thoughts and my dreams but, at the same time, I was overly ecstatic for the new adventures about to unfold. Michigan. I would finally be far enough away from my parents and the Staples, Minnesota drama that it wouldn’t cause a risk of destroying my day. Michigan. I would finally be living with my Aunt “Mom” and wouldn’t be told when I could and could not see or talk to her. Michigan. I could live my life in peace away from idiocy.
This Saturday marks the seventh year since I boarded the plane in Minneapolis and headed for Detroit. I talked the ear off of the girl sitting next to me… She gave me a peace of mind and told me that my family hadn’t seen me in 14 years… they would accept whoever I was and be there to help me through it. She couldn’t have been more right.
In a way, I feel like I have benefited more from meeting my biological mother’s family once again in adulthood than I would have if I had been raised around them my entire life. I am able to speak freely with my aunt and my grandmother more than I believe I would if I had more recent memories of them being the authority figures in my life. The advice they give is astronomically more than I could ever have hoped for when I was a scared boy of eighteen… The time spent with them is valued more so when I remember I missed out on almost 15 years of life without them.
Looking back, I think I would make the same decision I had if I knew the outcome. There may have been choices along the way that I would change and people I would never meet, if I had to do it over again, but it is the people one meets through the journey of life that makes them into the person they are today. I’ve learned a lot in seven years and I have a lot more to learn in the next seven.
In the new year, I set a goal for myself…. Over the next seven years, reconnect with all those who meant something to me during that rough semester at Crown College and to those who helped shape me into the man I am today over the previous seven. To those of you this applies to, I thank you.
~tjh