fear
doing some searching recently has led me to find that i'm afraid of relationships. i'm not afraid of commitment, just relationships. the idea of divorce scares me to the deepest depths of my being and i think that's why i'm afraid to be vulnerable to people. i get so caught up with this idea that people are just going to eventually hurt me, that i shut down before i ever give anyone the opportunity to know me. the few people i have let in are wonderful i'm just so afraid that i won't find someone that wants enough to get to know me to break down the walls for good. i'm afraid i'm not good enough to deserve happiness.
i partially blame this fear because of my parents. they always seemed so happy for the 21 years of their marriage and then all of a sudden everything falls apart? i don't want my family to deal with that pain. i don't want to have to deal with that pain. i'm a romantic in the sense that i do believe two people can stay together forever. i'm just afraid that the mentality that i'm in will screw me over. and i hope this awful trend of divorce that's in my family is genetic and will be passed on to me. but it's not even just the marriage sort of relationship that scares me being really close with just friends makes me nervous too. i'm very selective in who i let get to know me and even then i'm cautious with what i say and how i act. it's like i'm paranoid that everyone is eventually going to get sick of me and leave.
i hate that i'm this way that i have to grow up with this fear of rejection from people i love. i hate that this culture forces the idea that marriage is necessary and yet it takes less time to get a divorce than it does to go through a drive thru.
i hate that we have the option of divorce and society views it as ok.
i'm afraid of falling 'out of love' or that my husband will 'fall out of love' with me.
i hate this world.
Jesus take me home.
i partially blame this fear because of my parents. they always seemed so happy for the 21 years of their marriage and then all of a sudden everything falls apart? i don't want my family to deal with that pain. i don't want to have to deal with that pain. i'm a romantic in the sense that i do believe two people can stay together forever. i'm just afraid that the mentality that i'm in will screw me over. and i hope this awful trend of divorce that's in my family is genetic and will be passed on to me. but it's not even just the marriage sort of relationship that scares me being really close with just friends makes me nervous too. i'm very selective in who i let get to know me and even then i'm cautious with what i say and how i act. it's like i'm paranoid that everyone is eventually going to get sick of me and leave.
i hate that i'm this way that i have to grow up with this fear of rejection from people i love. i hate that this culture forces the idea that marriage is necessary and yet it takes less time to get a divorce than it does to go through a drive thru.
i hate that we have the option of divorce and society views it as ok.
i'm afraid of falling 'out of love' or that my husband will 'fall out of love' with me.
i hate this world.
Jesus take me home.