(no subject)
Wow. Yesterday would've been my parents' 24th wedding anniversary had they stayed together. I wonder sometimes what things would be like if my mom and dad had stayed married. What if my mom never met or dated Tim? Would my dad have mellowed out any or would he have stayed the same jealous, possessive, angry, miserable, abusive person he was? He says he still loves my mom but I think it's more of a "grass is greener on the other side" sorta thing. If they ever got back together, he'd probably go back to treating her the way he did before. And she'd do the shit she does. The screaming. The yelling. The accusations. Telling people that she was being screamed at for no reason at all when it was her doing the much unnecessary screaming. I dunno. Just a random thought.
In five weeks, I will have no reason to pursue the one person that chose someone else to marry instead of me. In five weeks, my loss will be cemented. I'm trying to feel relief that I'm not the one getting married and I'm trying to appear okay about the whole thing but goodness, if it ain't eating me up inside.
I applied for a job in Florida, in Pensacola, and went to take the test Wednesday. Unfortunately, I forgot to get Nina to tutor me on Microsoft Excel and mail-merge so when I went to take the test, I had no clue what to do and practically left the place crying. I can't stand it when I don't know how to do something. They would've called by yesterday (Monday) afternoon if they wanted to interview me so obviously, I'm not going to get an interview for the job.
UGH!
I am SO sick of Montgomery. I am so sick of the downright bitchiness of the women I work with. I am sick of being 150 miles away from my friends. I am sick of being treated like a 5-year-old by my grandmother and great-grandmother. I hate how I always wind up being so mean and snappy towards them. I am so sarcastic and bitter and mean nowadays. I'm using profane vocabulary words I never imagined I'd ever use. I talk about my coworkers all the time to anyone who will listen. I can't ever get to work on time. I do just enough work to keep from getting fired. Sometimes, I think I subconsciously do things to try to get Ann to let me go. It's not like I'm not TRYING to get out of here. I've taken two Alabama state tests and am going to schedule a typing test to speed things along and I've applied for Florida state jobs as well as taken a test for one. I, for once, am not waiting for someone to come along and hand me a job. I have wanted to live in Florida my entire life and I WILL live down there before the end of this year, come hell or high water.
I just feel like I have so much potential right now and I just can't seem to get the ball rolling. I keep getting told that my degree was basically worthless because "you just can't do a lot more than teach when you have a degree in English" and today, my supervisor told the woman she's training to take her place that I was too young to know what I wanted to do with my life. I laughed through gritted teeth when I wanted to say, "I know what I want to do. I want to get the FUCK out of this place, out of this city, out of this state, out of this life that seems to be going nowhere at a really agonizing pace! That's what I want!"
I teeter on the edge of becoming really depressed, hopeless, bitter, and angry every day. I try to stay positive. I try to find the good in what I'm going through. I try to think of starving babies in Africa. I am thankful to have a job that helps me pay for a new car and this computer I'm typing on. I try so hard not to dwell on the fact that my life just isn't going the way I particularly want it to at the moment.
I have no money. I owe $1200 on my credit card, about $15,000 on my car, $985 on my laptop (stupid freakin' 30% interest rate and finance charges), $526 (in June) for my car insurance, about $20 in parking tickets because I'm not "permanent" enough to qualify for my own free parking space yet, and I promised to help my mom pay on the timeshare every month. I would love to be caught up. I've been pretending like I don't have a credit card lately so I don't use it. I've been scrounging for change to keep me at a meter long enough that someone will leave one of the free parking spaces five minutes away in front of the capital and I can steal their parking space on my way back from lunch. I'm trying to cut down on my text messaging. I'm taking more sandwiches to work instead of paying someone to make me one. I'm in need of my first oil change in my car. Hopefully, Reinhardt Toyota will allow the first one to be free like they did with my grandmother's Camry back in 1998. I've refrained from buying a lot of unnecessary junk, no matter how much I felt I needed it when my eyes landed on it. I just feel like I'm slipping further and further into America's favorite pastime: getting your dead broke ass out of debt.
I want to write now. I want to start my first non-fan fiction novel. I want to get back into my songwriting but this time be able to write music or at least conjure and record a melody. I want to write fascinating pieces for magazines and news journals and the like. I just have no topics at hand. That's just one of the things that happens when you have no life. While other 20-somethings are out living it up (and blacking out in the process), I am trying to be responsible, hard working, and mature. While they're out having the time of their lives, I am wishing for retirement already. I don't want tons of money and famous friends. I just want to live a comfortable life without having to worry that every purchase I make is going to push me further and further into a state of anxiety and panic.
Now it's being said that I'll become a permanent employee around the first of June. I won't get to have my 30-day break like I wanted. I suppose I can't afford it anyway. I want time off. I want to be able to take the summer off and travel. I want to spend a month in a foreign place and learn the culture. I want to take cross-country road trips or take a coast-to-coast flight. I am tired of the 3/4 walls surrounding me. I am tired of sitting in a building that's going through more repairs than Joan Rivers' face. I'm tired of the dust and plaster falling all around me. I'd like my state of being under construction to remain a spiritual one. Don't personify a building's dire need for a change to reflect my needs and desires.
I want out.
I didn't go to college for nearly five years just so I could live in the back bedroom of my great-grandparents' house, a room that I have to share with my nasty ass, psychotic 52-year-old eternally unemployed bum of an uncle whenever he decides to come home and send my great-grandmother into a frenzy. I didn't get a degree just so I could deal with a bunch of women so wrapped up in the lives of others that they can't see just how much they need to focus on their own damn selves.
I just can't take it. I'm sick of feeling so lonely and left out and antsy all the time. At least I'm still kicking though. I haven't reserved myself yet to this life of monotony.
God help me though because it's starting to get a strong grasp on me.
In five weeks, I will have no reason to pursue the one person that chose someone else to marry instead of me. In five weeks, my loss will be cemented. I'm trying to feel relief that I'm not the one getting married and I'm trying to appear okay about the whole thing but goodness, if it ain't eating me up inside.
I applied for a job in Florida, in Pensacola, and went to take the test Wednesday. Unfortunately, I forgot to get Nina to tutor me on Microsoft Excel and mail-merge so when I went to take the test, I had no clue what to do and practically left the place crying. I can't stand it when I don't know how to do something. They would've called by yesterday (Monday) afternoon if they wanted to interview me so obviously, I'm not going to get an interview for the job.
UGH!
I am SO sick of Montgomery. I am so sick of the downright bitchiness of the women I work with. I am sick of being 150 miles away from my friends. I am sick of being treated like a 5-year-old by my grandmother and great-grandmother. I hate how I always wind up being so mean and snappy towards them. I am so sarcastic and bitter and mean nowadays. I'm using profane vocabulary words I never imagined I'd ever use. I talk about my coworkers all the time to anyone who will listen. I can't ever get to work on time. I do just enough work to keep from getting fired. Sometimes, I think I subconsciously do things to try to get Ann to let me go. It's not like I'm not TRYING to get out of here. I've taken two Alabama state tests and am going to schedule a typing test to speed things along and I've applied for Florida state jobs as well as taken a test for one. I, for once, am not waiting for someone to come along and hand me a job. I have wanted to live in Florida my entire life and I WILL live down there before the end of this year, come hell or high water.
I just feel like I have so much potential right now and I just can't seem to get the ball rolling. I keep getting told that my degree was basically worthless because "you just can't do a lot more than teach when you have a degree in English" and today, my supervisor told the woman she's training to take her place that I was too young to know what I wanted to do with my life. I laughed through gritted teeth when I wanted to say, "I know what I want to do. I want to get the FUCK out of this place, out of this city, out of this state, out of this life that seems to be going nowhere at a really agonizing pace! That's what I want!"
I teeter on the edge of becoming really depressed, hopeless, bitter, and angry every day. I try to stay positive. I try to find the good in what I'm going through. I try to think of starving babies in Africa. I am thankful to have a job that helps me pay for a new car and this computer I'm typing on. I try so hard not to dwell on the fact that my life just isn't going the way I particularly want it to at the moment.
I have no money. I owe $1200 on my credit card, about $15,000 on my car, $985 on my laptop (stupid freakin' 30% interest rate and finance charges), $526 (in June) for my car insurance, about $20 in parking tickets because I'm not "permanent" enough to qualify for my own free parking space yet, and I promised to help my mom pay on the timeshare every month. I would love to be caught up. I've been pretending like I don't have a credit card lately so I don't use it. I've been scrounging for change to keep me at a meter long enough that someone will leave one of the free parking spaces five minutes away in front of the capital and I can steal their parking space on my way back from lunch. I'm trying to cut down on my text messaging. I'm taking more sandwiches to work instead of paying someone to make me one. I'm in need of my first oil change in my car. Hopefully, Reinhardt Toyota will allow the first one to be free like they did with my grandmother's Camry back in 1998. I've refrained from buying a lot of unnecessary junk, no matter how much I felt I needed it when my eyes landed on it. I just feel like I'm slipping further and further into America's favorite pastime: getting your dead broke ass out of debt.
I want to write now. I want to start my first non-fan fiction novel. I want to get back into my songwriting but this time be able to write music or at least conjure and record a melody. I want to write fascinating pieces for magazines and news journals and the like. I just have no topics at hand. That's just one of the things that happens when you have no life. While other 20-somethings are out living it up (and blacking out in the process), I am trying to be responsible, hard working, and mature. While they're out having the time of their lives, I am wishing for retirement already. I don't want tons of money and famous friends. I just want to live a comfortable life without having to worry that every purchase I make is going to push me further and further into a state of anxiety and panic.
Now it's being said that I'll become a permanent employee around the first of June. I won't get to have my 30-day break like I wanted. I suppose I can't afford it anyway. I want time off. I want to be able to take the summer off and travel. I want to spend a month in a foreign place and learn the culture. I want to take cross-country road trips or take a coast-to-coast flight. I am tired of the 3/4 walls surrounding me. I am tired of sitting in a building that's going through more repairs than Joan Rivers' face. I'm tired of the dust and plaster falling all around me. I'd like my state of being under construction to remain a spiritual one. Don't personify a building's dire need for a change to reflect my needs and desires.
I want out.
I didn't go to college for nearly five years just so I could live in the back bedroom of my great-grandparents' house, a room that I have to share with my nasty ass, psychotic 52-year-old eternally unemployed bum of an uncle whenever he decides to come home and send my great-grandmother into a frenzy. I didn't get a degree just so I could deal with a bunch of women so wrapped up in the lives of others that they can't see just how much they need to focus on their own damn selves.
I just can't take it. I'm sick of feeling so lonely and left out and antsy all the time. At least I'm still kicking though. I haven't reserved myself yet to this life of monotony.
God help me though because it's starting to get a strong grasp on me.