(no subject)
it doesn't matter what I type. eventually, time crosses it all out anyway ..
you say you're there for me, but you're not. you'd rather spend the trouble going out of your way to avoid me then to actually talk to me in passing. You think everytime I call you or have a "situation" it's just an excuse to talk to you. if you were really over it as much as you say you are - why is it even a big deal if you run into me? It doesn't bother you, right? You got a funny way of showing somebody they meant the world to you. You didn't mean you'd never hurt me - you just meant while you were WITH me you'd never hurt me... and just so you know.. I never grew apart from anyone - that was strictly your cup of tea. I don't want to hear I'm sorry... " I'm so sorry, really..." NO. don't be sorry. Just make it better. Just show me I wasn't a stupid game, a fling, a memory worth forgetting. It's gonna come back... and you'll remember it all. Because you can't bury it under piles and piles of things to keep your mind occupied. It always comes back. And when it does I won't be here, ready to listen to it anymore... I'm so angry at you for hurting me.. why? go home - - that's what you've always wanted, isn't it? what a frickin' waste....
you threw away something perfect. For something you'll never understand. If you do understand it, it'll be under your new found friends mindset - their terms. And I get pushed in the ditch because you're not mature enough - MAN enough to face your issue head-on. You don't FIND people like you and I very often. I mean someone you just absolutely click with on every level. And you had this big show.. this big "ohhh i'm so amazed" crap. If you're so amazed, where are you now? You looked me in my eyes and told me a LIE. A LIE. And I was stupid enough to think that this time it would be different. That this time, someone really understood every part of me - because you were just like me and I didn't have to try. It was all .... just...... natural. And I'm just so angry at you for hurting me. For making promises you didn't intend to keep. You were just waiting for something better to come along. And when the opportunity arose, you took it and ran. You LEFT me standing there and you didn't turn around to see the tears on my face. All you saw was rain....
you lied about me. and i still miss you. why do i still miss you? why do i still think about you? why do i wonder what your doing on somedays, wishing things could just - -- go back to normal? thats' the story of my life though - always giving you chance after chance after chance after chance after chance... always finding some way to still love you. to still care about you... I can't stop and it drives me crazy. even when you lie about me.. even when you treated me like shit. even when you only wanted one thing... I'm so angry at you for overreacting. we were so close - i REALLY thought things were going to be different. but you're the same.... you didn't give me a chance to explain and you didn't listen to me when I needed to be listened to the most! you don't think before you react! and now it's too late to apologize because I'm sick of feeling like i have to say "it's ok - i forgive you." because it's the right thing to do. It doesn't matter. the pain is still in my chest, and I want to scream at you for ignoring it. You said it best when you chose not to say anything at all.
stop IGNORING me. if you're gonna be here, be here. if you're not - then tell me you're walking away. I don't know what it is... when everything is falling down around me - when I feel like I can't go on. I think about calling you. Texting you - something. And then I think, "it won't matter. Because you won't answer." But something in me makes me try anyway. And it's worse. it's in those moments afterward that I realize - when I hang up the phone - i just feel more lonley than if I hadn't tried to need you at all...
we only hang if we both need to eat dinner.
you always zone out when i'm spilling my guts - you only call when you need a ride, and you never call back.
you fall asleep on the phone when I'm bearing my soul...
you make every problem seem like it's not a big deal.
you think it's my fault.
you make everything funny so you don't have to deal with the reality of the situation.
you think everything is alright...
you wanted to know? now you do.
this is what it feels like. everyday.
how could anyone feel any smaller....