A Prayer for the Wild at Heart (Part Five)
“I've got this friend. He says the human condition, human nature, being human, is to be cold and alone. Like someone lost in the woods. It's safe to say he's a 'glass-is-half-empty' kind of guy.” -Mitchell, ‘Being Human’
Alright running away probably wasn’t my best idea ever.
It wasn’t my worst idea but it wasn’t a sterling moment of smart there.
Freaking out because I acted on my feelings, on my hormones, on all that stuff I kept bottled up over Will. He was my friend and my mentor and so different from anyone I had ever known before. What was I supposed to do in that moment but react? It wasn’t…like I was even thinking.
Well I was thinking but it was with my downstairs brain.
It was instinct and something in the back of my head telling me that this was my chance. And it was the only action that I was going to get for a very, very long time.
So what the hell was I was supposed to do?
Besides not kiss him.
So I ran because I was scared.
Scared because I believed that he was going to reject me. And my heart had been rejected enough and well…something about Will rejecting me, even the thought of it, kind of hurt more than Quinn’s betrayal and breaking up with Rachel.
I didn’t want to face his rejection. I couldn’t face his rejection.
Someone once said :“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.”
And I understood that totally. I mean it started by peeling away the masks to look past the teacher and the mentor to find the man underneath all of it to find Will, the person. And I really really liked Will the person. Because he was smart and funny and nice and kind and just amazing. This amazing man right in front of me that no one had ever given a second glance to.
I didn’t want to lose that because of some kiss but I didn’t want to lose the possibility of having that either.
So I avoided him to spare myself of the heartbreak that I figured was inevitable in the end.
By avoid, I meant that whenever I saw Mister Schue (I stopped calling him Will in my head to distance myself more) I kind of went into another room or made excuses or other stuff. Yes I know I’m a total coward but come on! I was scared alright and freaked out and nervous all at once.
What was I supposed to do?
Besides the obvious thing and face him head on.
I mean it’s not like I can stand in front of his apartment building with a boom box or do a daring race to the library or something like in those romantic comedies. Because this is real life and things rarely work out the way someone wants them to in the end.
So like a coward, I hid.
Plus Sectionals were on and we were all feeling the pressure. Mister Schue especially since it was for the grace and pity of Coach Sylvester that we had enough money to pretend to have a budget this year. So I could tell that he was feeling the heat and I didn’t think my whole little freak out eased any pressure.
Not like Rachel and everyone were helping much. Especially Rachel.
Seriously? Wearing a piece of duct tape over your mouth because you didn’t get a solo? Honestly sometimes I think we’re the Rachel Berry club or something. It’s really annoying.
I was happy for Quinn and Sam really. They totally deserved their solos and it felt nice having that weight off my shoulders. And Rachel and everyone kind of deserved getting yelled at. I mean…they were kind of acting like brats.
Then Santana added to it by revealing to everyone that we had sex. Yeah great. It wasn’t like I even felt anything during it and she made it sound like some big passionate affair to get Rachel angry because she didn’t have a solo and Santana did. And everyone was looking at me like this was somehow my fault.
Alright people here’s the deal.
Are you listening?
I AM A HORNY TEENAGE BOY!
I really shouldn’t be held accountable for my actions. Especially when sex or anything remotely sexy is involved in any way, shape, or form.
Good thing is that people just assumed my mopiness was from me catching a case of the Diva and pouting because I didn’t get a bigger part. Which wasn’t true. Although I wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth or something like that.
Everyone just assumed I was jealous of Sam.
Sam, unfortunately, has a habit of being very observant.
Merlin: Why do you want to do this?
Gwaine: Same reason as you. Help a friend.
Merlin: Arthur's lucky to have us.
Gwaine: Not Arthur.
Merlin: I'd do the same for you.
Gwaine: I hope so. You're the only friend I've got.
Merlin: I'm not surprised.-Merlin
“What’s up with you and Mister Schue?” asked Sam one day as he sat next to Finn at lunch.
“H-huh? I don’t know what you’re talking about dude.”
“You and Mister Schue,” began Sam looking at Finn, “You two were really tight. And now you’re not. I’m dyslexic, Finn, not stupid.”
“Oh…well…uh…,” stuttered out Finn blushing as he looked down at his food.
How the hell could he answer that?
“Did one of you finally confess?” asked Sam taking a bit out of his apple.
Finn stared at him with wide, wide eyes. His heart pounded and his palms began to sweat. How the hell had Sam figured it out? But Finn was breaking down and he was relieved that someone else knew. That he could kind of tell this confusion and frustration to someone else.
“Not really. I…well…I kissed him?”
“Seriously?”
Finn nodded and Sam grinned, “Dude that’s great!”
At Finn’s downtrodden expression, Sam’s face dropped.
“Not great?”
“I kind of ran away.”
“Dude!”
Finn looked at him and put his voice down into his lowest whisper.
“Well what was I supposed to do? I was terrified! I mean I…”
“You love him,” stated Sam which made Finn freeze at the statement.
Oh God was he that obvious?!
“Yeah,” and Finn paused a moment before saying, “Fuck is it really that obvious?”
“The stifling sexual tension during tutoring has choked and frustrated me many a time. Granted Quinn seems to enjoy it as I go to her afterward.”
“Dude ex-girlfriend,” said Finn looking semi-disgusted, “I really don’t need to know anything about what you two do together. In fact the less I know the better.”
Sam just laughed at that. He paused as he took a drink of his milk before fixing Finn with a look.
“Look man what I’m saying is even if he rejects you, at least be honest with him. I mean he’s a pretty strong guy right? Emotionally at least. I heard about his crazy ex-wife and everything. And you’re strong too. And you both had been through a lot the last year or so. Maybe, maybe this is some greater being or forces way in order to get you two together.”
Huh. Well…Finn never thought of it like that before.
The whole Grilled Cheesus thing kind of turned him off to the whole there is something greater and more out there.
“That’s romantic and freaky all at once,” stated Finn after considering this line of thought for several moments.
“Look I’m just saying that sometimes you need to put yourself out there. I know it’s scary. But in the end isn’t better to have said you tried? Then mope around and wonder what might have been?”
Finn pondered this for a couple minutes before nodding, “Yeah. I can see where you’re going with that Sam. But…I already put everything out there. If he…If he wants me then he’ll have to come and get me.”
And then Finn got up and left the table leaving Sam there with his lunch and frustrated look on his face.
He felt bad for doing that. But he couldn’t think of anything anymore. He didn’t want to think of this even thought it was constantly on his mind, like a child impatiently tugging on his mom’s hand because he wants to Santa nooooow.
Finn paused at his locker and pressed his head against it.
He wondered if this is what being heart sick felt like.
Little did he know that Will was thinking the exact same thing as he stared at the music selections for Sectionals.
John Watson: That was amazing.
Sherlock Holmes: You think so?
John Watson: Of course it was. It was extraordinary, it was quite extraordinary.
Sherlock Holmes: That’s not what people normally say.
John Watson: What do people normally say?
Sherlock Holmes: ‘Piss off’. -BBC’s Sherlock
See I don’t understand love sometimes.
People keep on comparing it to a dance…and as a dancer it should make sense.
And yeah I guess it is. But it’s a dance that no one really knows the steps to, to music that no one can really hear and you’re blind folded.
It’s this giant frightening thing.
Very frightening since I loved all aspects of Finn from his laugh to his smile to his kindness. And I’m still a man, it’s not like I haven’t noticed his body.
What am I supposed to do?
He’s my student. I didn’t want to end up on the news or jail or anything. Because all of my relationships seemed to be leading up for me ending up in one of those places.
Things tend to get complicated and they complicate fast when I’m involved it seems. But Finn…Finn was himself, so supportive, so kind. He wouldn’t let me get myself down or upset. He made me laugh and enjoy myself and his company and his innate kindness.
He cared about me. And it’s the first time that I allowed the caring to overtake me, to fill me up to the very brim. And I relished it, carved it even because I am not a strong willed person.
Then he kissed me.
And it seemed like everything was fell into place in that moment.
WHAM! Like Superman punching out Lex Luthor’s lights or the way Aretha Franklin’s voice just blows you over.
It hit me.
Suddenly and frighteningly.
I was in love with Finn.
I was in love with my student.
But the student part didn’t seem to register until later. The only thing motivating me was just this voice going, “Finn just kissed you. KISS BACK MAN!!!!”
So I kissed back.
Boy…Did I kiss back.
I don’t even remember being that turned on from a kiss in a long, long time.
Then Finn ran out.
Leaving me catching my breath and glassy eyed with messy hair and painfully hard erection. And the desire to chase him down and talk about this and shout from the rooftops how much I care…
But he was gone.
And then he started avoiding me.
Which I could understand that maybe he was having a sexual identity crisis of some sort. I mean I knew that I was bisexual but Finn was still young and he needed to figure himself out. But I still felt like we needed to talk about it.
But I needed to talk to him.
I just couldn’t seem to get him alone or anything.
So I was really at a loss. Pushing Finn to the back of my mind I decided my energies on Sectionals. Of course Finn was always in the back of my mind. Even when the kids were driving me insane and making me want to pull out my hair.
Especially the whole drama about who is sleeping with who and stuff about my choices from solos and all the like. So I kind of got a little short with them because they work better when they’re (at least) pretending to like each other rather than each of them pitching their own diva fit.
But as much as they get under my skin sometimes, those kids do me proud.
They won, well tied, but it’s the same thing. I was proud of them.
And then, the day before the competition, Emma told me about how her and Carl went to Vegas and got married. She was staring at me like she was expecting me to flip out and react. But I didn’t feel that at all. I was actually really happy for her.
Huh.
…So yeah I guess I was pretty far gone over Finn.
Now all I needed to do was let him know that I felt the same way.
And I had just the plan.
The overrated, cheesy as hell but damn it’s a good way to bring this all together to get Finn to listen to me plan.
Zia: Remember the other day, when you were talkin' about missing things from life, and, uh, that you wanted to go back and I didn't miss anything?
Mikal: Yeah?
Zia: Being here.... with you I kinda miss myself.. the way I used to be..
Mikal: What were you like?
Zia: I was happy, at the time. Obviously before I came here. -‘Wristcutters: A Love Story’
“Finn?” asked Will tentatively as the club slowly dispersed to their homes. They’re grins triumph over the winning tie at Sectionals.
Finn jumped and looked over his shoulder with a guilty expression on his face.
“Yeah Mister Schuester?” asked Finn with wide eyes. Will’s heart clenched a little bit at that, he missed Finn calling him by his name. Slowly the teacher swallowed and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans.
“Can you come to the auditorium for a couple minutes? It won’t take long but we really need to talk.”
“Well I would love to Mister Schuester but…”
“Finn,” interrupted Will before Finn could make his excuse, “Please.”
“…Alright,” agreed Finn nervously before following Will into the auditorium.
Will just hoped that he wasn’t about blow his only chance at this.
“My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me, too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.” -Yvaine “Stardust”
Love is a strange thing.
I mean it’s awesome. I love love. Which is an odd statement and sounds contradictory on so many levels. But I do love love. The emotion, the feeling, the person that ends up representing all those swirled up confused emotions that overtake your very being and core.
It’s messy and it’s deadly. I mean people have killed for love. But then that doesn’t make it love anymore does it? It twists it into something horrible and ugly and cheap. People say that love can start wars, which I think is true in some cases but most of the time I think it’s that fugly love impersonator doing that work. I think the love we all want to experience is the kind that can end wars, that can bring out our better nature.
…This kind of love is transformative (a word I never saw myself using). If you find the right person and give your heart to them with no gimmicks or lies or waitaminutes then you’ll be changed for the better. And you’ll want that change because you’ll like who you have become under it.
Now I don’t consider an expert by any means. I’m just a teenager, I haven’t lived enough yet to know what the hell I’m talking about. All I know is this…in that moment, when we went to the auditorium and Will was going to reject or deny me…
We weren’t leaving that auditorium the same people we went in as.
But love was there at least on my end.
We just didn’t see it until the transformation of ourselves was complete.
“My hands shake, our minds race from the thought of love.
Yet we curb our speech because words are not enough
To wedge this instant, burn this moment into our memory.
Let go, take my hand and trust in me.” -Adakias “Razia’s Shadow”
“I’ve been thinking a lot the past couple of days,” began Will…no Mister Schuester, “After our…kiss.”
Finn looked down at his hands. His heart was pounding and blood rushed through his ears. This was it the moment that he had been avoiding. The one where Wil…(no! Mister Schuester dammit!) was going to reject him, kindly and gently, but still step over Finn’s heart.
“And?” he croaked as he fisted his hands in his jeans.
“And…I realized that I couldn’t voice what I’m feeling. So uh…I um found a song. And I want you to hear it. Is that okay, Finn?”
No it wasn’t. Finn didn’t want to get rejected musically. His heart thudded painfully in his chest. But there was that treacherous voice in the back of his head that whispered, “He may be accepting you and what you’re offering.”
So Finn, not trusting himself to speak, nodded. Mister Schuester smiled and took out a fedora, making Finn smile a little bit too. Mister Schuester started a CD and stood on the stage. Old ragtime-y, soul music drifted through the speakers.
“Ooooh
Sometimes I get a good feeling
I get a feeling that I never never had before no no
And I just gotta tell you right now
That I believe, I really do believe that,” began Mister Schuester in that low growly voice that made
Finn’s insides do flip-flops.
Will’s sad voice echoing down the hallway…
Laughing over their utter failure of geometry proofs…
“I was an accounting major in college! I should be able to do this!”
“It just proves that proofs suck!” laughed Finn as Will grinned wide and bright.
“Something’s got a hold on me
(Oh it must be love)
Something’s got a hold on me
(Oh it must be love),” sang Mister Schuest…oh fuck it. He was Will. Always and forever would he be Will to Finn amen. Finn’s heart was pounding, racing faster than anything. There was a fevered prayer that cycled through his mind as the months passed by in a flurry in his head.
Rocky Horror Picture Show and that stupid tacky trophy in his room…
The Brad glasses perched on Will’s nose and he does an awesome stereotypical nerd impression making Finn laugh and laugh.
“Well gosh Mister Schuester I could’ve sworn that was what the Spanish used,” slurred Will making Finn crack up more.
“Stop! Stop! I need to breathe!”
“Let me tell you now
I got a feeling
I feel so strange
Step by step I got a brand new walk
I even sound sweeter when I talk
Ooooh
Baby it must be love,” sang Will, always always Will. Finn was leaning forward watching him sing with a mixture of confidence and shyness to him. And he was dancing a little bit in his place even though he was trying to be serious.
And it was just so Will.
Finn could almost picture those dreams he had. Very clear as he watched Will on the stage. Heart pounding and mind racing and just wonder filled at what he can imagine to have with that man.
Scary and amazing and bright all at once.
Waking up entwined with Will staring at him with that crinkly-eyed smile. Slow and sloppy kisses as Will disappears on a run and sometimes Finn joins him even though Will loves to do these stupid almost marathon like runs but he still follows him because the sweaty grope fest in the elevator afterward always makes it up.
Even if they give Old Mrs. Anderson an eyeful.
She totally loves it.
“Let me tell you now
Something’s got a hold on me
(Oh it must be love)
Something’s got a hold on me right now, child
(Oh it must be love),” grinned Will as he lost himself in the music as Finn lost himself in the voice and the floodgate of visions of the future that are playing behind his eyes.
Wrestling for the last nacho…
Will and Finn or Finn and Will…Winn or Fill…what would their name be…
Sweaty and nervous anticipation that this was his it was always his just waiting oh so just waiting underneath all the pain and suffering and torment.
Hudson is just a moron. Schuester is a loser.
No they weren’t. They were just too big for this place. But at the same time they needed to find each other to realize that. Finn and Will against the Lima view of the world…
And then them going out into the world and fully seeing it…
All those places that Finn never ever dreamed of seeing with Will at his side with wide eyes and that odd little Mona Lisa smile that make Finn’s stomach do flip-flops and somersaults.
“Let me tell you now
I never felt like this before
Something’s got a hold on me
And won’t let go
Believe I die if I only could
It sure feels strange
But it sure feels good!” sang Will with wonderment and excitement in his tone.
Finn was walking up the aisle on shaking legs because yesyesyesyesyes to all this emotion and need. He needs this. He needs him.
OhGod he is in love with this man, head over heels, stupid love songs walks in the park and Sunday crossword solving together type love.
His hands began to shake with that thought.
“Oooh
Oooh
Baby!
Oh it must be love!” crowed Will excitedly as he looked for Finn in the audience.
Finn stepped on the side stairs to the stage caught his attention and he’s there and just as nervous as Finn and…
And he’s so fucking gorgeous and talented and funny and smart.
Christ, he has it so bad and he’s so okay with it.
“You make me feel so young…”
“That’s because you never allowed yourself a chance to act like it. Now shut up, stop singing Sinatra, and kiss me. The backseat is uncomfortable.”
“Giagantor.”
“That’s what you said last night.”
“Nerd.”
“I’m your nerd.”
“Oh shut up before you ruin the mood.”
Sunday afternoons walking in the park and going over to his visit his Mom and Burt and Kurt and huge family dinners and Thanksgivings and Christmases
Birthdays waking up to breakfast in bed and sometimes morning sex…
Laughter and fights and tears and love
Lovelovelovelovelovelovelove
That’s all he wants. All he pictures with this wonderful man at his side and Christ isn’t it weird to picture this at such a young age but it must mean that there’s something there and real and true and unbelievable.
“Let me tell you now
My heart feels heavy
My feet fell light
I shake all over
But I feel alright
I never felt like this before
Something’s got a hold and it won’t let go
I never thought it could happen to me
Got me happy without the misery,” sang Will as he and Finn moved closer.
Gray-green eyes that crinkle when he smiles
Laughter
Kisses teeth crashing together and perfect
Will’s face in the morning sun with that perfect utter loving and true smile on his face
Bare skin on bare skin
Nestling his head into the curly head of hair and just breathing
“I love you, Finn. Only you…”
They were like magnets attracting or whatever the like. Suddenly Finn couldn’t hold back because he was happy and relieved and so close to crying because this wasn’t a rejection.
It wasn’t anything like it.
It was a beginning. Or maybe it already had begun and he hadn’t notice it. Like how sometimes he begins the day in that place between wake and sleep where reality and dream meet in a crushing and crashing instant. So slow and yet so sudden that he doesn’t even realize that he’s waking up from a slumber.
Maybe that was how it began for them.
Now they’re standing so close to each other. Finn can see Will’s gray-green eyes that bore into him and make him shiver and shake. Eyes that he imagines at night with blown wide with lust and desire…and that little space seems so vast.
And he feels like he should say something here.
Instead they’re kissing.
It’s like age doesn’t matter because Will’s mouth still tastes like chocolate and peppermint and clean and Finn wants to drink him all in. His hand is curling against the back of Will’s neck and a leg hikes up around his waist. Finn is excited and nervous and practically vibrating with a mixture of relief and pleasure and then he’s not thinking anything as Will’s tongue does some exploring of its own.
Will’s hands are fisted in his hair and tugging just a little and Finn knows that his other hand is sliding down the planes of Will’s back and the other man groans at the sensation into his mouth.
Air became a necessity and they’re apart breathing heavily and happy. Finn’s just so relieved and joyous and he wants to shout it from the rooftops and keep it to himself. And he wondered whywhywhy he never noticed it before, why he never felt like this with Rachel or Quinn or anything of the like.
Finn is resting his head on Will’s and babbling. He’s sure it’s not coherent or makes sense but Will is smiling and they’re kissing again. And holyfuckinghell he’s kissing Will.
This one lacks the urgency of the last kiss because the relief and whatever had pooled out of them. This one is sweeter and just a simple press of lips against lips. Will’s lips are a little chapped from the cold of early winter and Finn knows his are but it’s nice and so very nice.
When the fuck did he get so lucky? So terribly and amazingly lucky because this is what he wants but it’s going to be hard but damn if he isn’t head over heels for this man.
“You know this is going to be hard right?” whispered Will, voicing what they’re both thinking with his forehead pressed against Finn’s.
“I don’t care. Just don’t leave, please,” begged Finn as he kissed Will’s neck. Desperately holding onto him like he’s scared that Will is going to fade away and that he was going to wake up in his bed.
“I won’t…I can’t…God help me but I…,” fumbled out Will as he tried to express his feelings.
Finn knew them all too well, that familiar sensation was his friend at this point. The nervous sick coil combined with the overwhelming desire of wanting something for himself.
“Shhh shhh,” whispered Finn as he ran his fingers through Will’s curls, “Worry about it tomorrow.”
And they’re kissing again.
Almost melting into the stage as Finn buries his fingers into Will’s curls and Will pulled him closer and it was perfect.
Suddenly all those crazed dreams of the future don’t seem so crazy to Finn. Because Will’s here and still tasted like peppermint and chocolate and sweet with just that little shocking surprise. And Finn wanted to laugh and cry, wanted to run up to the roof and shout that he loved this man, and hid Will jealously from the world.
He did it. He had him.
It was going to be hard. And the future was uncertain and he’s not really sure how it was going to end. But he had Will. He had Will up against him and they were kissing and crying a little bit. Because they knew that this was forbidden and that people wouldn’t get it but desire and need and selfishness had already overtaken common sense a long time ago.
They had each other.
And they were never ever going to let the other go.
There’s a million reasons why this is a totally bad idea. A million good, sound reasons why that they should stop and leave and pretend very hard that this never happened. Move on with their lives and go back to the distant teacher-student dynamic.
But it wasn’t going to happen. They couldn’t walk away from this.
But there is only one really truly good one that beats all others into hamburger meat.
They loved each other. They didn’t say it but they each new that they loved the man they were kissing. And maybe one day they could say it aloud to.
So yeah, million bad reasons and one very good one.
As corny as love sounded to Finn as he pulled away and looked Will’s shining eyes, maybe that’s how simple it really is in the end.
They can worry about the rest tomorrow.