Beware the Ides of March.
Tomorrow will be the Ides...it will also be the first time seeing Lacee since she blocked me. I am nervous as hell about how far she has chosen to push me back. I don't know her true intentions...does she intend for it to be how she had first spoken of, where she wanted to maintain the working association, or has she now changed her mind completely and now wants to not talk to eachother at all?
My heart is so low right now it's not even funny. It's so lonely it's wanting to latch onto any familiarity to keep my sanity. I had even thought of embracing Tess while we were talking and she was doing my neck. Vee said before I was blocked that she was going to try posting on my "stuffs" topic to give a testimonial but I felt that was rather pathetic and would definitely detract. I understand she wants to help but it was never about the sexuality with Lacee...infact that's why THIS crush has been so hard on me. This was the first woman that I have ever actively pursued where sex wasn't even a priority of any type for me. Her beauty of personality and pain and introversion is what has drawn me to her. As sad as it is...of all the relationships I've had I sometimes feel that this one would have been the most pure for just those reasons. Hell she even used ellipsis as much as I do and I've never EVER encountered THAT before...I mean...that's a...lot...of ellipsis.
But it would seem that out of all of this I have found someone who I can actually see being a new enduring friendship...the first that has ever come out of my work life. It's so odd as of late...until this job I've had nothing but low opinions for the attitudes and experiences of anyone below 35 years of age. Yet in the last two years I've met a number of people I've respected for how they conduct themselves in the workplace and one who goes beyond. Brad was a 19 year old who wanted to have a military career but eventually got a medical discharge, but he was a helluva good worker while he was at our site. Matt Wheeler and his wife are great workers and have done a fantastic job of not letting their personal lives interfere with their work environment and I've applauded their work ethics and their outside conduct. They didn't have a clue that I knew about their marriage from week one until I just let them know about three weeks ago (I paid attention to the fact that they both used the same car to come to work two weeks apart their first days of work and then from there did a public records search.). Lacee should be rather self-explanatory.
Then there's Athena. She is rather a bit of an enigma, this one. My first thoughts on just appearance was a sorority type girl somewhat fresh out of college with ambition and a get-it-done attitude. It was only through some of her more militant choices in word-play, in how she dealt with threatening situations, that I got curious enough to do some research on her. Now after a decent amount of talking I have gained a lot of respect for her. In truth it was a brief convo that we had earlier today that spawned me to write this particular entry. She says that we have much in common in our pain, so obviously I'm insanely curious about how that is. She's apparently very competitive so I'm inspired to embrace my fierce competitive nature again...for it's the spirit of competition and war that oftentimes provides the best distractions for me from my own wretched existence. Only teaching matches competition as the second non-love related concept that helps off-set the lack of love I have in my world, so any chance to embrace either of those two things is welcome to me with open arms. Most of the time I'm perplexed by how she finds me entertaining...I can only supposition that it's because of what I'm willing to put myself through and trying to pick me apart to figure out what makes me...me.
Conversations that keep my mind engaged are the only true escape from the pain that won't disengage itself from my heart. I'm always trying to stay distracted as much as I can...trying to find anything at ALL to keep ahead of the crest of this tsunami wave of emotions. I lose momentum to it and it gains on me everyday...I feel like I'm running out of options.
It just hurts so much...I'm now officially oh for six on trying to fight for women I've had crushes on. It would seem that having unanswered questions is one of my best talents...creating puzzles that no one can crack and also questions that I can never find answers for. I wonder if it's time I create a new handle based off of things that are unsolvable??
Tomorrow will be painful...but I have no choice but to enter into it just as if it's a normal day. Nothing can stop the bleeding...nothing can stop at all.
My heart is so low right now it's not even funny. It's so lonely it's wanting to latch onto any familiarity to keep my sanity. I had even thought of embracing Tess while we were talking and she was doing my neck. Vee said before I was blocked that she was going to try posting on my "stuffs" topic to give a testimonial but I felt that was rather pathetic and would definitely detract. I understand she wants to help but it was never about the sexuality with Lacee...infact that's why THIS crush has been so hard on me. This was the first woman that I have ever actively pursued where sex wasn't even a priority of any type for me. Her beauty of personality and pain and introversion is what has drawn me to her. As sad as it is...of all the relationships I've had I sometimes feel that this one would have been the most pure for just those reasons. Hell she even used ellipsis as much as I do and I've never EVER encountered THAT before...I mean...that's a...lot...of ellipsis.
But it would seem that out of all of this I have found someone who I can actually see being a new enduring friendship...the first that has ever come out of my work life. It's so odd as of late...until this job I've had nothing but low opinions for the attitudes and experiences of anyone below 35 years of age. Yet in the last two years I've met a number of people I've respected for how they conduct themselves in the workplace and one who goes beyond. Brad was a 19 year old who wanted to have a military career but eventually got a medical discharge, but he was a helluva good worker while he was at our site. Matt Wheeler and his wife are great workers and have done a fantastic job of not letting their personal lives interfere with their work environment and I've applauded their work ethics and their outside conduct. They didn't have a clue that I knew about their marriage from week one until I just let them know about three weeks ago (I paid attention to the fact that they both used the same car to come to work two weeks apart their first days of work and then from there did a public records search.). Lacee should be rather self-explanatory.
Then there's Athena. She is rather a bit of an enigma, this one. My first thoughts on just appearance was a sorority type girl somewhat fresh out of college with ambition and a get-it-done attitude. It was only through some of her more militant choices in word-play, in how she dealt with threatening situations, that I got curious enough to do some research on her. Now after a decent amount of talking I have gained a lot of respect for her. In truth it was a brief convo that we had earlier today that spawned me to write this particular entry. She says that we have much in common in our pain, so obviously I'm insanely curious about how that is. She's apparently very competitive so I'm inspired to embrace my fierce competitive nature again...for it's the spirit of competition and war that oftentimes provides the best distractions for me from my own wretched existence. Only teaching matches competition as the second non-love related concept that helps off-set the lack of love I have in my world, so any chance to embrace either of those two things is welcome to me with open arms. Most of the time I'm perplexed by how she finds me entertaining...I can only supposition that it's because of what I'm willing to put myself through and trying to pick me apart to figure out what makes me...me.
Conversations that keep my mind engaged are the only true escape from the pain that won't disengage itself from my heart. I'm always trying to stay distracted as much as I can...trying to find anything at ALL to keep ahead of the crest of this tsunami wave of emotions. I lose momentum to it and it gains on me everyday...I feel like I'm running out of options.
It just hurts so much...I'm now officially oh for six on trying to fight for women I've had crushes on. It would seem that having unanswered questions is one of my best talents...creating puzzles that no one can crack and also questions that I can never find answers for. I wonder if it's time I create a new handle based off of things that are unsolvable??
Tomorrow will be painful...but I have no choice but to enter into it just as if it's a normal day. Nothing can stop the bleeding...nothing can stop at all.