(no subject)
“I have had a migraine for days and nothing is right and nobody says the right thing and I HATE myself and I hate that I’m so weak and pathetic and I hate that everyone slouches off into the comfortable distance of unfeeling when I am spraying neediness all over them like an open wound like my arteries have been cut and instead of mending them I scream to increase the pressure. I am reveling in this sickening puddle of mud and my heart just aches. My stomach churns out heartburn and I don’t want anyone to ever see this. I hate my roommate because she’s just too happy and what does that even mean, all I want to do is hear her swear and piss and stomp cause it just doesn’t seem real. Even the imaginary are deserting me and I have never asked a single thing of them before. I’m not asking anything of myself, either. I’m just tossing my brain to the side in recycling because maybe someone else can use it better but I’ll never give them a chance to really see the uselessness of it all. You’re great are the two hollowest syllables, and I have donated hours to a cause that doesn’t want me. Who knew. I am such a betrayer, rotten and soured and I keep using those two words because that’s how I feel. Deflated. I wish I knew nobody on here, I wish when the stars appeared I knew no astronomy because every fucking thing has lost it’s mystery. This is earth and this is my life and the moments of hope that appear are just blisters on an otherwise surpriseless canvas. I can’t sleep, you know? I wake up at 6 am with my heart pounding because I would give anything to have a near death experience. I wish I wasn’t dribbling away time in a depressive faucet that I just haven’t had the fucking energy to twist closed. You close and fold and spiral away from me in an envelope of better days but maybe that’s for the best. Who knows what I would do to you. A flower. It’s so hard to drag yourself out of a fog when you’re landlocked. It’s so hard to sleep when you’re this exhausted. I just want to
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