I'm sure I'll find out either way.
B
There is no place to start so I will just start with the fact I'm holding back tears right now and you're fluttering through my head. Really? You're texting her? Really? You want to be friends? Honestly? How the fuck did I expect anything different? I feel fractured and desperate and hopelessly lost and those are the things I fear the most. I'm stuck in the messiest mud that threatens to swallow me. I'm sinking into time and memories, and the nostalgia stinks the worst. Remember everything you said to me? That you'd do anything for me? That I was the only person in the world that ever really mattered to you, besides your best friend? How can you say that and treat me this way? Am I being naive and stupid? Maybe I deserve every step you take away from me for never letting you take a step towards me but I never felt you try once. I feel your absence pressing on my chest, squeezing tears out just one eye, like they always do when it comes to you. You make me so crooked and lopsided. A flightless bird. I never gave you what you needed either though, did I? I certainly made mistakes, and while I carry them on my back I do not chase them and you are nearly out of sight. I know I jump to conclusions and I know we never communicate so I'm trying to ask you in the most cowardly way and you haven't answered and I'm thrown back to days of my past where I would reach for you and my hand would close on thin air. Only then I was never tilted off balance, and now I'm falling sideways into regret and abandonment and something worse. The words dance just off my lips so maybe they're not right but still I tip and my pain leaks and drips without tempo or pattern. This is a week where I should be thrilled and excited and looking forward. To the future, to the promises that I've already signed away and padlocked but instead I'm tripping on my feet and I hate myself for letting him do this. Why can't I just let go? Why can't I let the shadows swallow him just to keep him out of view?
I'm mesmerized by the ending of days.
The setting sun. And it's molten light burns my eyes
till all I can see are blood red eyelids
and the backs of tear drops
but there's no better relief from seeing
your face,
than seeing nothing at all.