(no subject)
We talked. Stupid me.
But as short as I was at first, he openly told me he missed me...
and that he thinks of me non stop.
As hard as it would have seemed to be in this position and to hear that, it actually made me feel very calm... content... relaxed.
It made me realize it wasn't just me, that he felt this way too, even just a little.
It was reassuring that for that short time, he and I,
we were real.
Sometimes I think I may look back at these entries, like I have done before in the past and laugh at everything I'm reading. Sometimes I look and think "Why was I so upset? Why did I act as if it was never going to get any better?"
I know it always gets "better" but what I want right now is very different than what I have.
I want two jobs and to be working almost constantly for a bit, to keep me busy, while this Ben thing subsides a little. Then, within a month I want to move into a new apartment with Whitney back in SLO for maybe a year, tops.
Then I can reevaluate my life at that time. I still want to go to school, but I'm going to work on saving a lot of money first, paying off some debts that I thought I would have had taken care of since my car accident.
I've got to buckle down and work hard. I wish I had Ben here along for the ride with me but what he chose was his choice. I can't force him to care for me enough to be with me. I can't force him to feel comfortable taking the leap of being in a relationship. I can't help him find himself or put himself first, I would only get frustrated trying.
I just............ Hope he finds what he needs. And for his sake, and for mine, I would hope he would find it soon because I miss him and I would love to give this a solid try, just once more, to see where it took us.
What I feel for him is real. This is the most mature relationship I've probably ever been in. I have put more trust and more effort into being a better person in these 3 months than probably ever. I would still have questions, I would still get worried, but there was a difference and that difference was when I asked him, and when he told me his answers, I took his word for what it was and believed him. He may not see it now, but I do. If he only knew how I was with my past exes he would see how big of a change I had made.
What a difference HE as a PERSON made in my life.
He changed a huge chunk about me,
and not in a negative way.
He made me realize I had to accept certain inevitable uncertain situations,
that I had to accept people for who they were or for who they weren't.
That love is a compromise. To care for someone is to agree to disagree.
You'll never see eye to eye with any one individual, which is what makes relationships great.
If you want to just be involved with yourself, in a relationship if you will, with yourself, then so be it. But that's not realistic.
If I could get one thing through Ben's head, and heart, that would stick, one thing to change his mind, I would tell him this:
The meaning of life, and I have heard there is pretty much polls and scientific proof to back this up... but... the meaning of life is the relationships you build with others. Family, Friendships, Significant Others.
And I would only wish he would see that whether you feel ready or not, whether you are afraid of disappoiting someone or letting them in out of your own fear of getting hurt, or hurting someone else, go for the ride. Life is too short not to journey down that road. If you find someone you mesh well, someone you are crazy about, someone who you just want to spend your free time with, DO IT.
But remember just that, FREE TIME, and that is where the balance comes in.
Make time for that person when you want and when you can but be sure to have a routine or some kind of layout for yourself. Find the things you need to do every day, or every week, or every month, whatever, that makes you feel accomplished.
Everything is in baby steps. You wouldn't expect to go to one class for one day at college and get a degree, would you? No. It's not realistic and it's not how this world works. I understand space to figure things out, but if he knew what I did, he wouldn't be spending this time he could be spending on being productive, being sad about what could be or could have been. He would be risking the chance, and finding that balance.
The thing is, I'm a pretty understanding person. Especially if people are good and mean well. If Ben needed to get another job, finish school, figure out if he's moving, yadda yadda yadda then GREAT... that means he CARES about his future. That shows a lot about someone's character. I just wish he wouldn't push me away in the process not realizing that I UNDERSTAND and want nothing but to be there FOR HIM and WITH HIM. I suppose I can be selfish sometimes, and this could just be me, making this about me, which I've been making a habit lately but I swear I wish him nothing but the best. I wish him happiness.
And I really, in my bones feel that he could be happiER with me.
I wish he could find out what he needs,
find his balance,
get on his feet
all tomorrow...
but that's not life.
Who knows, maybe he and I will never even cross paths again, and it will just fade as a distant memory based off history...
But I know, for a very long time, I'm going to wonder what could have been
had he just tried sooner.
Had he just given it a chance.
If he doesn't call me,
doesn't want to be my friend,
doesn't think he can handle it,
or moves on to some new girl...
then I guess he and I will be nothing at all.
My biggest hope? He finds a balance, calls me up, we start over as friends (but of course not hooking up with anyone else or talking to anyone else in that way) and after some weeks or maybe even a month or two of being friends, we start dating again.
I'm more than okay with taking things slow, but what will eat me up is the what could of been, what could be... Among other things.
I just hope he doesn't wait too long...
people like this only come into your life every so often IF your lucky.
We fit, like puzzle pieces. It's not a coincidence.
So what are you going to do?
But as short as I was at first, he openly told me he missed me...
and that he thinks of me non stop.
As hard as it would have seemed to be in this position and to hear that, it actually made me feel very calm... content... relaxed.
It made me realize it wasn't just me, that he felt this way too, even just a little.
It was reassuring that for that short time, he and I,
we were real.
Sometimes I think I may look back at these entries, like I have done before in the past and laugh at everything I'm reading. Sometimes I look and think "Why was I so upset? Why did I act as if it was never going to get any better?"
I know it always gets "better" but what I want right now is very different than what I have.
I want two jobs and to be working almost constantly for a bit, to keep me busy, while this Ben thing subsides a little. Then, within a month I want to move into a new apartment with Whitney back in SLO for maybe a year, tops.
Then I can reevaluate my life at that time. I still want to go to school, but I'm going to work on saving a lot of money first, paying off some debts that I thought I would have had taken care of since my car accident.
I've got to buckle down and work hard. I wish I had Ben here along for the ride with me but what he chose was his choice. I can't force him to care for me enough to be with me. I can't force him to feel comfortable taking the leap of being in a relationship. I can't help him find himself or put himself first, I would only get frustrated trying.
I just............ Hope he finds what he needs. And for his sake, and for mine, I would hope he would find it soon because I miss him and I would love to give this a solid try, just once more, to see where it took us.
What I feel for him is real. This is the most mature relationship I've probably ever been in. I have put more trust and more effort into being a better person in these 3 months than probably ever. I would still have questions, I would still get worried, but there was a difference and that difference was when I asked him, and when he told me his answers, I took his word for what it was and believed him. He may not see it now, but I do. If he only knew how I was with my past exes he would see how big of a change I had made.
What a difference HE as a PERSON made in my life.
He changed a huge chunk about me,
and not in a negative way.
He made me realize I had to accept certain inevitable uncertain situations,
that I had to accept people for who they were or for who they weren't.
That love is a compromise. To care for someone is to agree to disagree.
You'll never see eye to eye with any one individual, which is what makes relationships great.
If you want to just be involved with yourself, in a relationship if you will, with yourself, then so be it. But that's not realistic.
If I could get one thing through Ben's head, and heart, that would stick, one thing to change his mind, I would tell him this:
The meaning of life, and I have heard there is pretty much polls and scientific proof to back this up... but... the meaning of life is the relationships you build with others. Family, Friendships, Significant Others.
And I would only wish he would see that whether you feel ready or not, whether you are afraid of disappoiting someone or letting them in out of your own fear of getting hurt, or hurting someone else, go for the ride. Life is too short not to journey down that road. If you find someone you mesh well, someone you are crazy about, someone who you just want to spend your free time with, DO IT.
But remember just that, FREE TIME, and that is where the balance comes in.
Make time for that person when you want and when you can but be sure to have a routine or some kind of layout for yourself. Find the things you need to do every day, or every week, or every month, whatever, that makes you feel accomplished.
Everything is in baby steps. You wouldn't expect to go to one class for one day at college and get a degree, would you? No. It's not realistic and it's not how this world works. I understand space to figure things out, but if he knew what I did, he wouldn't be spending this time he could be spending on being productive, being sad about what could be or could have been. He would be risking the chance, and finding that balance.
The thing is, I'm a pretty understanding person. Especially if people are good and mean well. If Ben needed to get another job, finish school, figure out if he's moving, yadda yadda yadda then GREAT... that means he CARES about his future. That shows a lot about someone's character. I just wish he wouldn't push me away in the process not realizing that I UNDERSTAND and want nothing but to be there FOR HIM and WITH HIM. I suppose I can be selfish sometimes, and this could just be me, making this about me, which I've been making a habit lately but I swear I wish him nothing but the best. I wish him happiness.
And I really, in my bones feel that he could be happiER with me.
I wish he could find out what he needs,
find his balance,
get on his feet
all tomorrow...
but that's not life.
Who knows, maybe he and I will never even cross paths again, and it will just fade as a distant memory based off history...
But I know, for a very long time, I'm going to wonder what could have been
had he just tried sooner.
Had he just given it a chance.
If he doesn't call me,
doesn't want to be my friend,
doesn't think he can handle it,
or moves on to some new girl...
then I guess he and I will be nothing at all.
My biggest hope? He finds a balance, calls me up, we start over as friends (but of course not hooking up with anyone else or talking to anyone else in that way) and after some weeks or maybe even a month or two of being friends, we start dating again.
I'm more than okay with taking things slow, but what will eat me up is the what could of been, what could be... Among other things.
I just hope he doesn't wait too long...
people like this only come into your life every so often IF your lucky.
We fit, like puzzle pieces. It's not a coincidence.
So what are you going to do?