Anxious

Jun 01, 2011 20:03

So I just got back from our trip to Louisiana last night. I had a great time. It's been a really long time since we went on a vacation as a family. And it was so nice to see my cousin, it had been years since the last time he visited. The first couple of days in Baton Rouge were beyond awkward. A lot of people were staying at the same hotel for the wedding, including my grandparents. Who we had decided never to see or talk to ever again. None of us thought they would actually come. We exchanged very few words. My grandfather never spoke to me, my sister, her husband, or my mother. My dad did his best to keep the peace and he was friendly with his parents, he's like that. It was a very strange experience and it saddens me that things are the way they are. But what my grandfather did is unforgivable. And the fact that my grandmother and uncle deny that it happened, is unforgivable. That very well may have been the last time I see my grandparents. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

It was so nice to spend time with my parents, to not have a schedule, to not have to worry about money or bills or stupid drama. I'm finding that now that I'm back I'm having some extreme anxiety. I'm still so unsure of what I want to do with my life. I know at this point I really should go back to school but the idea of grad school is awful. I'm still not really sure what to go back to school for. I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I know what interests me but not how to make a career out of it. Not only that but I'm terrified of the GRE. I don't really think that I can do any better and if I don't do any better there's no way I'd ever get into any grad school so I'm having a really hard time making myself study for it.

I've gained a lot of weight in the past few months and really feel crappy about myself. Seeing myself in a swim suit this past week was hideous. I really should start working out but I've literally never done it before in my entire life. My friend goes to classes at the HPER and SRSC so I might start tagging along. She does things like cardio kickboxing and zumba which sounds fun. But between being exhausted from work and needing to study for the GRE, I feel hesitant to go.

I feel like maybe if I lost the weight I put on and tried a little harder, did better on the GRE then maybe Stephen would be interested in me. But at the same time I feel like there's no point because it's not like we'd ever get married. I'm never going to be the marrying type.

I'm just feeling extremely stressed out right now and really lonely. Andrew invited me to go to the Cards v Reds game at Busch on the 4th of July. But his girlfriend and a bunch of her friends are going, and she nor them like me. I want to go to feel included but I feel like I'll be left out/the third wheel.

I don't know what to do.
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