(no subject)
Change happens whether one is looking for it or not I suppose it's a part of life that we don't get to pick. The only thing we can really do is accept it and pick the direction that we'd like to move. I have changed a lot and want to do a lot more changing even if the changes thus far haven't exactly been the ones I was seeking.
I wanted to be married to Laura I wanted to be starting a family but I don't think the person I am now would even consider it well perhaps for a moment but I know I wouldn't go back to the way I was. Right now I don't know if I could fall in love with someone again I don't know if it's in me to give that part of my heart again. I still feel love for people just not of the romantic nature or fully giving of myself. I still feel pain in my heart of not getting to be around those that I love but they still exist in my heart I know that if I was needed by them I would be there in a heartbeat but right now I need to get myself to a place where I can heal. I'm trying to break my bad habits slacking filling my hours with just meaningless trivial things that don't make me happy. I know I need to fail to see where I'm lacking I need to fall on my face to figure out how to get up...I want these failures no matter how painful they are I feel like a better person because of them I feel I'm learning and growing because of them. I know Laura was right to break it off that is what I feel in my heart and not because I'm not a good person or that I deserve to be hurt because that isn't that case I just haven't been living my life to the fullest I haven't been following my path I have been trying to follow others tracks so I wouldn't be alone.
Right now I'm going to school to finally finish up my BA in psychology and figure out where to go from there. I've considered joining the peace corps and I'm also considering grad school. I know regardless of what I pick it's not going to be easy but I need to pick it because that is what I want and that is what is right. I'm trying to intertwine my heart and brain to make the decision that best suites me I want to do something productive to make the world better I want to help people that is about the only thing I can see doing that would make me happy. I don't want to be rich or famous I don't want possessions perhaps I would like a family children and such maybe a dog but yeah that sort of stuff it happens or doesn't it's sort of a byproduct of life and isn't to be forced.
I'm still battling depression and anxiety but hoping to get over it. I'm still fighting the battle until the end....there is no set destination and nothing is ever over.
I wanted to be married to Laura I wanted to be starting a family but I don't think the person I am now would even consider it well perhaps for a moment but I know I wouldn't go back to the way I was. Right now I don't know if I could fall in love with someone again I don't know if it's in me to give that part of my heart again. I still feel love for people just not of the romantic nature or fully giving of myself. I still feel pain in my heart of not getting to be around those that I love but they still exist in my heart I know that if I was needed by them I would be there in a heartbeat but right now I need to get myself to a place where I can heal. I'm trying to break my bad habits slacking filling my hours with just meaningless trivial things that don't make me happy. I know I need to fail to see where I'm lacking I need to fall on my face to figure out how to get up...I want these failures no matter how painful they are I feel like a better person because of them I feel I'm learning and growing because of them. I know Laura was right to break it off that is what I feel in my heart and not because I'm not a good person or that I deserve to be hurt because that isn't that case I just haven't been living my life to the fullest I haven't been following my path I have been trying to follow others tracks so I wouldn't be alone.
Right now I'm going to school to finally finish up my BA in psychology and figure out where to go from there. I've considered joining the peace corps and I'm also considering grad school. I know regardless of what I pick it's not going to be easy but I need to pick it because that is what I want and that is what is right. I'm trying to intertwine my heart and brain to make the decision that best suites me I want to do something productive to make the world better I want to help people that is about the only thing I can see doing that would make me happy. I don't want to be rich or famous I don't want possessions perhaps I would like a family children and such maybe a dog but yeah that sort of stuff it happens or doesn't it's sort of a byproduct of life and isn't to be forced.
I'm still battling depression and anxiety but hoping to get over it. I'm still fighting the battle until the end....there is no set destination and nothing is ever over.