(no subject)
its funny how stupid u feel when u start to feel a certain way about something u made fun of someone else over... i used to think that people who contemplated suicide were so dumb.. i thought.. how could u hate your life so much that u just wouldnt want to live anymore? last night i was laying in bed.. crying... thinking that... i wish something happened to me. something that would take me away from this place.. from my life.. and i realized.. im thinking about something that i used to call stupid. im at a point where i think that nothing is worth it anymore. i dont care.. i dont wanna care.. i just want to be numb.. i want to dissappeare. even trying to make people understand isnt worth it anymore either. no, im not going to kill myself.. but if i knew i was going to die tomorrow... i dont think at this point i would be too unhappy about it.
i cant do anything right. not for myself.. not for anyone else. people think that trying as hard as u can to please others will get you far.. all it does is make it worse for you because u try and u try.. and you are never good enough. and i know... cuz i used to be one of those people. im so tired of trying to be there for people.. trying to comfort them... trying.. trying.. trying.. and what happens? u get stabbed in the back.. and most of the time its by someone u thought would never do that to you. someone you trust.. someone u were always there for and thought would be the same way for you.
i havent been myself lately.. i cant be. i feel like something has taken over me.. i cant even concentrate.. not even on the one thing that meant more to me then anything else.. which is my art. i havent wanted to.. i havent tried to.. i used to draw everyday.. it was my only escape.. now i pick up a pencil and paper.. i sit there.. i stare at it.. and i start to cry.. cuz im so frustrated.. with everything that is going on in my life that i dont know how to show how i feel. i dont know where to begin.. nor do i think i want to. its too painful.
i just want to dissappeare. from everything i know.. from everything i am. nothing is worth it. nothing.
i cant do anything right. not for myself.. not for anyone else. people think that trying as hard as u can to please others will get you far.. all it does is make it worse for you because u try and u try.. and you are never good enough. and i know... cuz i used to be one of those people. im so tired of trying to be there for people.. trying to comfort them... trying.. trying.. trying.. and what happens? u get stabbed in the back.. and most of the time its by someone u thought would never do that to you. someone you trust.. someone u were always there for and thought would be the same way for you.
i havent been myself lately.. i cant be. i feel like something has taken over me.. i cant even concentrate.. not even on the one thing that meant more to me then anything else.. which is my art. i havent wanted to.. i havent tried to.. i used to draw everyday.. it was my only escape.. now i pick up a pencil and paper.. i sit there.. i stare at it.. and i start to cry.. cuz im so frustrated.. with everything that is going on in my life that i dont know how to show how i feel. i dont know where to begin.. nor do i think i want to. its too painful.
i just want to dissappeare. from everything i know.. from everything i am. nothing is worth it. nothing.