you dont really hear what i say.
im sick of being sick.
i feel like im spending my life dragging myself out of beds and bathrooms so that i can sneeze all over everyone i love and be dazzled by their glitz and glamour.
i havent got any christmas spirit whatsoever, i wish that i did and that it still held that kind of magic that captivated me, made it a highlight of a year. but now it just seems to magnify imperfections, drilling holes into my heart for the people im missing, the people ive let slip out of my life.
i feel like im trapped in a glass bauble, watching everyone else in the christmas spirit, enjoying themselves, whilst im suriviving in a vacuum, as though ive been given dark glasses instead of the old rose tinted ones that i used to wear.
i feel like a blob, mouldable in anyones eyes into who they want to me to be, they can all make me their friend, and i love them, for it and for who they are. but sometimes i feel so trapped, the mold becomes a cage and im becoming increasingly more claustrophobic. im scared that one day i will be unmoldable, permenantly fixed into a shape that is unlovable.
but then a part of me knows how dramatic im being, that if i could just let the hurt and bitterness go, i would love christmas like i used to. i know that everyone loses people, i still posess a kind of rationality, i just cant use it somehow. im sick of being afraid to cry, afraid to let people down just by being sad, afraid to tell people that i need things.
while i was on the plane i wasnt sure what i wanted to do, if i really wanted to come back. my friends are definitely worth it, but theyre all moving on. all having new lives. and if i carry on the way i am then ill be left all alone. and i love my family to death, but besides my dad theyre all away. his new wife is coming soon, i will be dispensible, if anything, a burden. a mess of a late blooming adult who still clings to childhood.
and i told myself, id see. when i got off the plane, if i was folded into my daddys arms, if i was his baby again, his proper daughter, if he loved me and wanted to have me, then he would.
but then he was an hour and a half late, he tested my ideals, he told me he loved me in the same sentence hed be late, he told me he was glad i was back, then said he hoped i didnt make a mess. it seemed there was nothing unconditional. he bought me grapes so that there was food in the house, but there was no bread, he hasnt got round to replacing the juice. i hate to ask him, nag him, beg him to buy the necessities, remind him its christmas soon and he hasnt thought about buying me presents. it hurts both of us, i feel like im adding to the shadows, shadows that i want to ignore.
he needs me to pretend that everything is okay, that hes my favourite no matter what, that im happy.
he cant hear anything else, he doesnt want to.
i hear myself becoming my mother, nagging him to get decorations out of the loft, decorations for just me and him, that he will hate and i will hate to have to ask for. everything seems more trouble than its worth, like we're trying to hold on and are just failing.
i want to run run run, far away to a place where i can reinvent myself.
i want things that will never happen.
the real problem is me, someone, something, inescapable.
i do things drunk id never do sober, unsure if im just without inhibitions, or if ive discovered a new jenny, someone i can only find when im not quite myself.
i feel so sick with burden, if i dont talk to people they think i hate them, if i dont smile enough i see the disappointment in their eyes. when i fail them, ive changed, they love me less, they dont see that when they loved me before the flaw was always there.
i feel like im constantly searching, hoping to fill me up with love and meaning, someone to make me forget theres ever been anything else except for them.
i know i need to find it in myself.
but i cant do it.
i feel like ive slipped too far now, ive missed my chances, ive got too low to crawl my way back up and make everyone forget i was truly gone.
i have terrible stomachache, and its either a years worth of period pains or some unexplainable thing thats making me feel like i can never leave the house again because it hurts too much.
i feel like im spending my life dragging myself out of beds and bathrooms so that i can sneeze all over everyone i love and be dazzled by their glitz and glamour.
i havent got any christmas spirit whatsoever, i wish that i did and that it still held that kind of magic that captivated me, made it a highlight of a year. but now it just seems to magnify imperfections, drilling holes into my heart for the people im missing, the people ive let slip out of my life.
i feel like im trapped in a glass bauble, watching everyone else in the christmas spirit, enjoying themselves, whilst im suriviving in a vacuum, as though ive been given dark glasses instead of the old rose tinted ones that i used to wear.
i feel like a blob, mouldable in anyones eyes into who they want to me to be, they can all make me their friend, and i love them, for it and for who they are. but sometimes i feel so trapped, the mold becomes a cage and im becoming increasingly more claustrophobic. im scared that one day i will be unmoldable, permenantly fixed into a shape that is unlovable.
but then a part of me knows how dramatic im being, that if i could just let the hurt and bitterness go, i would love christmas like i used to. i know that everyone loses people, i still posess a kind of rationality, i just cant use it somehow. im sick of being afraid to cry, afraid to let people down just by being sad, afraid to tell people that i need things.
while i was on the plane i wasnt sure what i wanted to do, if i really wanted to come back. my friends are definitely worth it, but theyre all moving on. all having new lives. and if i carry on the way i am then ill be left all alone. and i love my family to death, but besides my dad theyre all away. his new wife is coming soon, i will be dispensible, if anything, a burden. a mess of a late blooming adult who still clings to childhood.
and i told myself, id see. when i got off the plane, if i was folded into my daddys arms, if i was his baby again, his proper daughter, if he loved me and wanted to have me, then he would.
but then he was an hour and a half late, he tested my ideals, he told me he loved me in the same sentence hed be late, he told me he was glad i was back, then said he hoped i didnt make a mess. it seemed there was nothing unconditional. he bought me grapes so that there was food in the house, but there was no bread, he hasnt got round to replacing the juice. i hate to ask him, nag him, beg him to buy the necessities, remind him its christmas soon and he hasnt thought about buying me presents. it hurts both of us, i feel like im adding to the shadows, shadows that i want to ignore.
he needs me to pretend that everything is okay, that hes my favourite no matter what, that im happy.
he cant hear anything else, he doesnt want to.
i hear myself becoming my mother, nagging him to get decorations out of the loft, decorations for just me and him, that he will hate and i will hate to have to ask for. everything seems more trouble than its worth, like we're trying to hold on and are just failing.
i want to run run run, far away to a place where i can reinvent myself.
i want things that will never happen.
the real problem is me, someone, something, inescapable.
i do things drunk id never do sober, unsure if im just without inhibitions, or if ive discovered a new jenny, someone i can only find when im not quite myself.
i feel so sick with burden, if i dont talk to people they think i hate them, if i dont smile enough i see the disappointment in their eyes. when i fail them, ive changed, they love me less, they dont see that when they loved me before the flaw was always there.
i feel like im constantly searching, hoping to fill me up with love and meaning, someone to make me forget theres ever been anything else except for them.
i know i need to find it in myself.
but i cant do it.
i feel like ive slipped too far now, ive missed my chances, ive got too low to crawl my way back up and make everyone forget i was truly gone.
i have terrible stomachache, and its either a years worth of period pains or some unexplainable thing thats making me feel like i can never leave the house again because it hurts too much.