A quick catch up from blogspot to LJ
Friday, June 05, 2009
ABC about you questions
ABC About You Questions
A - AVAILABLE: No
B - BIRTHDAY: February 21, 1988
C - CRUSHING ON: Tav_b
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Water?
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Tavi_b
F - FAVORITE SONG: Dear Maria, Count Me In. It gets stuck in my head a lot so I must like it
H - HOMETOWN: Alhambra
I - IN LOVE WITH: Tavi_b
J - JUGGLE: tasks, yes. objects, no.
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Of course, I'm a regular mass murderer...in video games
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: 6 hour drive from L.A., CA to Laughlin, NV
M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Strawberry
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: Two
O - ONE WISH: Infinite wishes! oh, we can't do that one? Okay, happiness for myself and all those who matter to me
P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: My mom....I think
R- REASON TO SMILE: My kitties, yes, Tavi_b, that includes you. The biggest kitty I know. :)
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Something on the radio. idk.
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: too damned early
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: black
V - VEGETABLE(S): tomatoes. Not for the flavor, I hate how they taste. But, I love how scientists know that they are a fruit but are willing to bend the rules and reclassify them because people are too stupid to get the concept of a fruit not being sweet
W- WORST HABIT: Biting my nails
X- X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Teeth, head, neck, back, both arms, both legs, both ankles, fingers, toes, God, I am so accident prone. It's like watching Good Luck Chuck without the famous people.
Y - YOYOS ARE: fun
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Pisces
Random Questions About You
Spell your name without vowels: Jnnfr lynn hrnrch
Your favorite number: 21 for the moment
What color do you wear most?: it's a tie between black shirts and blue jeans
Least favorite color?: The ugly puke looking shades of green and purple
What are you listening to?: M breathing softly beside me as she sleeps
Are you happy with your life right now?: Short answer-yes
What is your favorite class in school?: Idk anymore
Who is your best friend: Kathleen originally. These days no one holds "the title" but Ouija is basically my only friend unless you count Tavi_b as a friend as well
When do you start back at school/college? Summer
Are you outgoing?: Yes
Favorite pair of shoes?: My Wolverines (steel toed black boots)
Can you dance? I really can but I rarely do
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: Yeah, in fact, I once tied two knots in one stem...with only my tongue.
Can you whistle?: Yeah
Write with both hands?: No
Cross your eyes?: Can't everyone?
Walk with your toes curled?: Yeah, but I don't. It's not good for you.
THE DO'S
Do you believe there is life on other planets?: It would be ridiculously selfish and self centered not to
Do you believe in miracles?: Yeah
Do you believe in magic?: Yes, even in the most mundane
Love at first sight?: Not at all. Lust at first sight, definitely, but not love. Love takes time to grow, and it'll spoil if you rush it. Like good cooking. You have to let it simmer for an appropriate time or it won't turn out properly
Do you believe in Satan?: In a sense
Do you believe in Santa? Santa, St. Nicholas or Santa, Kris Kringle?
Do you know how to swim?: Believe it or not, I was on the swim team in high school
Do you like roller coasters?: Yes, a ton
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows?: Hell no
THE HAVES
Have you ever been on a plane?: Yeah, it was a 30 minute plane ride though
Have you ever asked someone out?: Less than 5 times but yes
Have you ever been asked out by someone? Maybe twice in my life...but yes
Have you ever been to the ocean?: Yeah, just went yesterday in fact
Have you ever painted your nails?: Yes, I'm gonna start again too, I think.
THE WHATS
What is the temperature outside?: Eh, hot
What radio station do you listen to?: I don't really listen to the radio unless Tavi has it on in her car
What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Taco Bell. lol....that shouldn't even be considered a restaurant. Idk, what I'm thinking.
What was the last thing you bought?: Burritos
What was the last thing on TV you watched? I don't even remember
THE WHOS
Who was the last person you IM'd?: EerisedDa
Who was the last person you took a picture of: I don't remember. some girl asked me to take one of her
Who was the last person you said I love you to?: Tavi_b
CRYING SECTION
Ever really cried your heart out?: Yes, recently. Stress can do that to you
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: I don't believe so
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: Yeah, recently, actually
Ever cried over the opposite sex?: Opposite sex? No. Someone I was into? Yes
Do you cry when you get an injury?: Sometimes
Do certain songs make you cry?: Yes
HAPPY SECTION
Are you a happy person?: More so now than ever before since I graduated high school
LOOK AT ME
What is your current hair color?: Current? It never changes...light brown
CURRENTLY WEARING
What shirt are you wearing? Black shirt with a red dragon on it.
Pants: Si and Am pajamas
Shoes: none
Necklaces: None at the moment, I miss my collar :(
Underwear: black
IN A BOY/GIRL
Favorite eye color: colored (blue/green/hazel) cuz brown is boring
Short or long hair: Long. Long, wavy and blonde or jet black
Height: I prefer shorter, I always end up dating taller. Go figure.
HAVE YOU EVER
Been to jail: Yeah, actually
Mooned someone: I have, but not in a long time
Thought about suicide: Yes
Laughed so hard you cried: No, but I've been asked this a few times, actually
Cried in school: Yup
Thrown up in a store: Probably
Done something really stupid that you still laugh about: Of course, who could say "no" to that?
Seen a dead body: Not a human one, at least...not in person
Been on drugs: Not reallyGone skinny dipping: Not yet, but I will.
THIS OR THAT
Pepsi or Coke: Hahaha...coke...but isn't that illegal? ;) I'm more of a Sprite person, sorry.
McDonald's or Burger King: Ew, neither.
Single or Group Dates: Either. I prefer single dates
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Strawberries or Blueberries: Strawberries.
Meat or Veggies: Meat
TV or Movie: Both
Guitar or Drums: I can play both a little
Adidas or Nike: Adidas
Chinese or Mexican: Food? Um, whatever I'm in the mood for. People? Well, come on, I grew up in Alhambra. Those where my only two options anyway.
Cheerios or Corn Flakes: Oooh, tough call. I don't really like either.
Posted by HopeHavoc at 11:30 AM 0 comments Links to this post
The shit to do list
The List of Shit to do (once in Tavi_b's lovely writing. now in blah)
GOAL: Better yourself, mind and body
STEPS:
1. Get back in shape (round may be a shape but it won’t be mine for long)
2. Get a job (soon)
3. Don’t give yourself a break
-Do something/work towards a goal
4. R E M E M B E R
-Do this for yourself, not someone else
THINGS TO DO (places to see):
[ ] Take Tavi_b to Knott’s Berry Farm
[ ] Hike the “C”
[X] Road trip to San Francisco
[X] Geeky conventions (Potter-cons, comi-cons, etc.)
[ ] Soldering kit and spray paint (wind chime and t-shirts)
[ ] Figure out a way to stop biting my nails
[ ] Play DDR for 2-3 hours straight (endurance training)
[ ] Force Tavi_bto play DDR with me
Posted by HopeHavoc at 11:29 AM 0 comments Links to this post
Monday, April 06, 2009
Joy, terror, pleasure, pain, emotionally I feel like a glass that is being emptied out and filled up again and again and again.
What you are about to read may scare you away or it may draw you in like a moth to a flame. This is a post that was inspired by a very traumatic event. An event that I'd rather not make public. It's one of those things that can be a deal breaker...and it's one of those things that you just don't want EVERYONE to know...but some people eventually have to be told.
I'll start by saying that I am and I'm not a player. If I really tried, I could be with a girl sexually and move on. But, the problem is that emotionally, I don't like to just sleep with a girl and move on. I don't like "hit it and quit it" and I'm not a big fan of "friends with benefits" either. But, at the same time...once WE (the person I've slept with and I) have made that decision to become sexual I can't simply jump into a relationship with them (should they wish to be in one) because jumping into a relationship with the first person I've slept with since I've been single is what got me into the mess that I'm in in the first place. Which tends to make me cautious about sleeping with someone in the first place and can, at times, lead to feelings of guilt or regret. It can make me feel as if I'd used the person, even if that had not been my intention.
A few months after I broke up with the last girl that I had been with, I decided to jump back into the dating scene and I had a few dates lined up, after the first one....I canceled all the others and got into a relationship after the first date with the first girl. That was a huge mistake. I should have gone out with the other girls to have more options...see who was BEST for me...not just who was good enough at the moment.
But, on the other hand I wouldn't trade that relationship for the world because I've grown up so much and experienced so much as a result. I've learned to accept responsibility for my actions, I've moved out of my parents house, I've learned how to keep up my house better, how to shop better, how to cope better, I'm going to a four year university instead of just coasting by in a community college with no real intention of going...anywhere. None of this would have happened when it did if not for that disastrous train wreck of a relationship. I do thank her for that. I just hate her for everything else. But, in hindsight, even though I know what I should have done...I'm glad that I didn't because it introduced me to so many other wonderful things about myself, so many wonderful things about the world, so many wonderful people.
I spoke with a friend last night, describing how I feel and this is what I came up with:
"I'm scared and excited and confused and I don't know what to do. I don't want to just jump back into a relationship right away because that's why I'm having this problem in the first place. I don't want to enjoy being single because I never actually enjoyed BEING single. I don't want to just date around. I really don't want to just sleep around because I'd like to think that I'm a little more mature than that. I just feel like I'm at an intersection and each road leads to some sort of grand prize but it's an economic decision because if I go down this road then I can't see what was down that road, if I go down that road I can't see what was down those two roads and I just wish there was this master road that could allow me to see, like, a window into each road that I'm passing up, just so that I can see what I would be missing if I chose one road over the other. Even if that means not choosing any of the roads...because I just want to know what's out there because I'm just so lost. God, I probably sound so stupid and I'm not even making any sense."
My friend told me that I was making "A surprising amount of sense actually." so...I know she understands. God, she's such a good friend. She really is one of the only ones that I have.
And all the while I just want to cry with joy and anger and frustration and confusion. I feel like I was being literally imprisoned, chained down and held hostage. And now the chains have fallen away and I'm just standing here bathing in the warm light, feeling the wind on my face, facing the world with new resolve and the freedom is like the sweetest honey on my lips...it just feels so good to be alive at this moment. So excruciatingly good. Like getting a hickey, that pleasure mixed with some pain. All these emotions have created this kind of feeling of joy and terror and...god, it just feels so good. I really feel like crying out in happiness.
Posted by HopeHavoc at 12:18 AM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: break up, drama, fear, joy, Lesbian, sorrow, stress
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Finally....finals
So, my finals are ALL on Thursday. Every....one of them. 8am-3pm.
I HATE IT!
Posted by HopeHavoc at 8:35 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Prop 8 sucks
I honestly think that we should all ban together, just as a social experiment, and come up with some compelling reasons why we should severely limit the rights of smokers. We can say that they make bad parents because they expose their children to harmful second hand smoke and they're more likely to drink and we all know that alcoholics make horrible parents, and that since they're going to die sooner than most healthy people they're going to cause their children the trauma of having a parent die sooner than they would if they weren't smokers. I'll bet we could get enough support from the general public to completely strip their rights away, through proper legislative process, of course. And then, when a bunch of yes on 8 voting smokers are scratching their heads saying "how could this have happened" we can all point our fingers at that clause in our constitution and say "well, as the Good lord says, you reap what you sow" and be done with it.
Posted by HopeHavoc at 9:47 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: angry rant, Gay, homophobic, Lesbian, smoking, social experiminet
Monday, March 09, 2009
Microsoft selectively enforces against gays and lesbians
I hate homophobia. It's the stupidest crap on earth, bar none.
Okay so here's the story, around May of 2008 a guy named Grant who goes by the handle Thegayergamer on Xbox Live is forced to change the name because according to Microsoft "the greater Xbox live community finds it offensive" and he's forced to change it. A few weeks later a Mr. Richard Gaywood in the UK finds that his handle, RichardGaywood (not extremely original but, give the guy a break), has also been deemed "offensive" by Microsoft, regardless of the fact that this is his legal name, given at birth. And then, just a few weeks ago (February 26th, 2009) a woman named Teresa had her account suspended and then terminated because she self identified as a lesbian on her profile and she had the audacity to report the harrassment she received as a result to Microsoft. How's that for you?
Pardon my example but:
"Teacher, the kids in class keep calling me names because I said that I was Irish."
"Well, Johnny, that's offensive. I'm going to have to put you in time out now."
I mean seriously, they banned her because she reported harrassment by other gamers. Harrassment that was triggered by her admittance of a personal trait she happens to possess. I mean, I've heard of blaming the victim but this is just ridiculous.
In all honesty, I'm sure it was her fault. She was probably kicking butt on Halo and the little wah-babies couldn't handle it so they started giving her crap when they realized that not only was she not a 14 year old boy but she wasn't a 40 year old man living at home with his mom either. No, she was a woman. So, they zeroed in on the one vulnerability she had and got her ToS'd (that refers to someone being suspended/banned/terminated/etc due to a Terms Of Service violation)
Oh, something worth noting, this guy from the first incident, TheGayerGamer, was banned because his name referenced things of a "sexual nature" and yet his heterosexual counterpart Straightergamer is still living large in the Live community. So is "Tbagger" and "Jewhunter" for that manner. Can you believe the hypocricy? The pure unadulterated bs. I mean, they let some wanna be Nazi jerk off call himself "jewhunter" but they don't let a gay person self identify as homosexual? It's disgusting. Our right to marry has been stripped from us and now apparently our right to be out of the closet is being taken as well. I'm not saying that I hate heterosexual people because, due to their being the majority and all, most of my friends happen to be straight. But, they aren't homophobic. And that is what I really have a problem with. Why do so many people have to be so God awfully homophobic? And why is it so commonplace? So normal. It's practically pc to be a bigoted a-hole these days.
I mean, seriously, example time. If it's not okay to say "Man, that's so black" or "Man, that's so crippled" when referencing something lame or stupid than why is it okay to say "Man, that's so gay" when you don't like something?
And what is up with that "No homo, no homo" crap when guys hug? I mean, seriously?
Do people go around saying "No beaner, no beaner" when they eat tacos? or "No chino, no chino" when they get good grades? or "No n****r, no n*****r" when they commit a crime?
No, because it's offensive. We all know the stereotypes and guess what? Unless you draw attention to the fact that yes you did in fact just hug your guy friend and yeah, you're real worried about him thinking your gay, in fact you might've even popped a boner just now, oh crap you did, better cover it up by saying 'no homo', then chances are he's not going to be thinking about it himself. But, when you start with that "no homo, no homo" crap then guess what? Everyone thinks your gay now. Because if you really have to make sure people don't think your gay then your probably pretty damn gay.
Anyway, rantings aside, I think that the SucksBox Live crap is so completely lame. I'm pretty sure that the number one reason these 3 got singled out really is because they're better gamers than the hacks they were up against because I've been on Xbox Live for a while now with the handle "Home-oh Theater" and no one is pissed about that. But then again, I suck at gaming and I only use the live for Netflix so, I'm not much of a threat to the juvenile delinquents or to the World of Dorkraft losers in their 40's who sit their like total B.A's when they're beating the crap out of pre-teens on Gears of War.
Posted by HopeHavoc at 2:46 AM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: angry rant, Gay, homophobic, Lesbian, Microsoft, Xbox Live
Starting out
So, today is my first blog ever. I'm just sitting here at 2:30am wondering why I can't sleep.
I'll just start the blog off by saying that I'll probably be writing a lot of poetry on here. And song lyrics.
I'll make one right now to give an idea of what I mean.
NO MORE THOUGHTS TO THINK
It seems as though I start to find
A lack of things to say
And on those days I start to think
There has to be some way
To see a silver lining
I'm sure it's best to just
Not saying anything at all
Instead of losing trust
Trust in other people
And then their trust in me
But then I realize a truth
I hadn't really seen
I had found that I, in fact
Did have something to say
All along I'd held a thought
That begged to find its way
Out into the world
For everyone to see
No, not the thought, I realize
I want them to see me.
ABC about you questions
ABC About You Questions
A - AVAILABLE: No
B - BIRTHDAY: February 21, 1988
C - CRUSHING ON: Tav_b
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Water?
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Tavi_b
F - FAVORITE SONG: Dear Maria, Count Me In. It gets stuck in my head a lot so I must like it
H - HOMETOWN: Alhambra
I - IN LOVE WITH: Tavi_b
J - JUGGLE: tasks, yes. objects, no.
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Of course, I'm a regular mass murderer...in video games
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: 6 hour drive from L.A., CA to Laughlin, NV
M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Strawberry
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: Two
O - ONE WISH: Infinite wishes! oh, we can't do that one? Okay, happiness for myself and all those who matter to me
P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: My mom....I think
R- REASON TO SMILE: My kitties, yes, Tavi_b, that includes you. The biggest kitty I know. :)
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Something on the radio. idk.
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: too damned early
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: black
V - VEGETABLE(S): tomatoes. Not for the flavor, I hate how they taste. But, I love how scientists know that they are a fruit but are willing to bend the rules and reclassify them because people are too stupid to get the concept of a fruit not being sweet
W- WORST HABIT: Biting my nails
X- X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Teeth, head, neck, back, both arms, both legs, both ankles, fingers, toes, God, I am so accident prone. It's like watching Good Luck Chuck without the famous people.
Y - YOYOS ARE: fun
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Pisces
Random Questions About You
Spell your name without vowels: Jnnfr lynn hrnrch
Your favorite number: 21 for the moment
What color do you wear most?: it's a tie between black shirts and blue jeans
Least favorite color?: The ugly puke looking shades of green and purple
What are you listening to?: M breathing softly beside me as she sleeps
Are you happy with your life right now?: Short answer-yes
What is your favorite class in school?: Idk anymore
Who is your best friend: Kathleen originally. These days no one holds "the title" but Ouija is basically my only friend unless you count Tavi_b as a friend as well
When do you start back at school/college? Summer
Are you outgoing?: Yes
Favorite pair of shoes?: My Wolverines (steel toed black boots)
Can you dance? I really can but I rarely do
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: Yeah, in fact, I once tied two knots in one stem...with only my tongue.
Can you whistle?: Yeah
Write with both hands?: No
Cross your eyes?: Can't everyone?
Walk with your toes curled?: Yeah, but I don't. It's not good for you.
THE DO'S
Do you believe there is life on other planets?: It would be ridiculously selfish and self centered not to
Do you believe in miracles?: Yeah
Do you believe in magic?: Yes, even in the most mundane
Love at first sight?: Not at all. Lust at first sight, definitely, but not love. Love takes time to grow, and it'll spoil if you rush it. Like good cooking. You have to let it simmer for an appropriate time or it won't turn out properly
Do you believe in Satan?: In a sense
Do you believe in Santa? Santa, St. Nicholas or Santa, Kris Kringle?
Do you know how to swim?: Believe it or not, I was on the swim team in high school
Do you like roller coasters?: Yes, a ton
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows?: Hell no
THE HAVES
Have you ever been on a plane?: Yeah, it was a 30 minute plane ride though
Have you ever asked someone out?: Less than 5 times but yes
Have you ever been asked out by someone? Maybe twice in my life...but yes
Have you ever been to the ocean?: Yeah, just went yesterday in fact
Have you ever painted your nails?: Yes, I'm gonna start again too, I think.
THE WHATS
What is the temperature outside?: Eh, hot
What radio station do you listen to?: I don't really listen to the radio unless Tavi has it on in her car
What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Taco Bell. lol....that shouldn't even be considered a restaurant. Idk, what I'm thinking.
What was the last thing you bought?: Burritos
What was the last thing on TV you watched? I don't even remember
THE WHOS
Who was the last person you IM'd?: EerisedDa
Who was the last person you took a picture of: I don't remember. some girl asked me to take one of her
Who was the last person you said I love you to?: Tavi_b
CRYING SECTION
Ever really cried your heart out?: Yes, recently. Stress can do that to you
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: I don't believe so
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: Yeah, recently, actually
Ever cried over the opposite sex?: Opposite sex? No. Someone I was into? Yes
Do you cry when you get an injury?: Sometimes
Do certain songs make you cry?: Yes
HAPPY SECTION
Are you a happy person?: More so now than ever before since I graduated high school
LOOK AT ME
What is your current hair color?: Current? It never changes...light brown
CURRENTLY WEARING
What shirt are you wearing? Black shirt with a red dragon on it.
Pants: Si and Am pajamas
Shoes: none
Necklaces: None at the moment, I miss my collar :(
Underwear: black
IN A BOY/GIRL
Favorite eye color: colored (blue/green/hazel) cuz brown is boring
Short or long hair: Long. Long, wavy and blonde or jet black
Height: I prefer shorter, I always end up dating taller. Go figure.
HAVE YOU EVER
Been to jail: Yeah, actually
Mooned someone: I have, but not in a long time
Thought about suicide: Yes
Laughed so hard you cried: No, but I've been asked this a few times, actually
Cried in school: Yup
Thrown up in a store: Probably
Done something really stupid that you still laugh about: Of course, who could say "no" to that?
Seen a dead body: Not a human one, at least...not in person
Been on drugs: Not reallyGone skinny dipping: Not yet, but I will.
THIS OR THAT
Pepsi or Coke: Hahaha...coke...but isn't that illegal? ;) I'm more of a Sprite person, sorry.
McDonald's or Burger King: Ew, neither.
Single or Group Dates: Either. I prefer single dates
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Strawberries or Blueberries: Strawberries.
Meat or Veggies: Meat
TV or Movie: Both
Guitar or Drums: I can play both a little
Adidas or Nike: Adidas
Chinese or Mexican: Food? Um, whatever I'm in the mood for. People? Well, come on, I grew up in Alhambra. Those where my only two options anyway.
Cheerios or Corn Flakes: Oooh, tough call. I don't really like either.
Posted by HopeHavoc at 11:30 AM 0 comments Links to this post
The shit to do list
The List of Shit to do (once in Tavi_b's lovely writing. now in blah)
GOAL: Better yourself, mind and body
STEPS:
1. Get back in shape (round may be a shape but it won’t be mine for long)
2. Get a job (soon)
3. Don’t give yourself a break
-Do something/work towards a goal
4. R E M E M B E R
-Do this for yourself, not someone else
THINGS TO DO (places to see):
[ ] Take Tavi_b to Knott’s Berry Farm
[ ] Hike the “C”
[X] Road trip to San Francisco
[X] Geeky conventions (Potter-cons, comi-cons, etc.)
[ ] Soldering kit and spray paint (wind chime and t-shirts)
[ ] Figure out a way to stop biting my nails
[ ] Play DDR for 2-3 hours straight (endurance training)
[ ] Force Tavi_bto play DDR with me
Posted by HopeHavoc at 11:29 AM 0 comments Links to this post
Monday, April 06, 2009
Joy, terror, pleasure, pain, emotionally I feel like a glass that is being emptied out and filled up again and again and again.
What you are about to read may scare you away or it may draw you in like a moth to a flame. This is a post that was inspired by a very traumatic event. An event that I'd rather not make public. It's one of those things that can be a deal breaker...and it's one of those things that you just don't want EVERYONE to know...but some people eventually have to be told.
I'll start by saying that I am and I'm not a player. If I really tried, I could be with a girl sexually and move on. But, the problem is that emotionally, I don't like to just sleep with a girl and move on. I don't like "hit it and quit it" and I'm not a big fan of "friends with benefits" either. But, at the same time...once WE (the person I've slept with and I) have made that decision to become sexual I can't simply jump into a relationship with them (should they wish to be in one) because jumping into a relationship with the first person I've slept with since I've been single is what got me into the mess that I'm in in the first place. Which tends to make me cautious about sleeping with someone in the first place and can, at times, lead to feelings of guilt or regret. It can make me feel as if I'd used the person, even if that had not been my intention.
A few months after I broke up with the last girl that I had been with, I decided to jump back into the dating scene and I had a few dates lined up, after the first one....I canceled all the others and got into a relationship after the first date with the first girl. That was a huge mistake. I should have gone out with the other girls to have more options...see who was BEST for me...not just who was good enough at the moment.
But, on the other hand I wouldn't trade that relationship for the world because I've grown up so much and experienced so much as a result. I've learned to accept responsibility for my actions, I've moved out of my parents house, I've learned how to keep up my house better, how to shop better, how to cope better, I'm going to a four year university instead of just coasting by in a community college with no real intention of going...anywhere. None of this would have happened when it did if not for that disastrous train wreck of a relationship. I do thank her for that. I just hate her for everything else. But, in hindsight, even though I know what I should have done...I'm glad that I didn't because it introduced me to so many other wonderful things about myself, so many wonderful things about the world, so many wonderful people.
I spoke with a friend last night, describing how I feel and this is what I came up with:
"I'm scared and excited and confused and I don't know what to do. I don't want to just jump back into a relationship right away because that's why I'm having this problem in the first place. I don't want to enjoy being single because I never actually enjoyed BEING single. I don't want to just date around. I really don't want to just sleep around because I'd like to think that I'm a little more mature than that. I just feel like I'm at an intersection and each road leads to some sort of grand prize but it's an economic decision because if I go down this road then I can't see what was down that road, if I go down that road I can't see what was down those two roads and I just wish there was this master road that could allow me to see, like, a window into each road that I'm passing up, just so that I can see what I would be missing if I chose one road over the other. Even if that means not choosing any of the roads...because I just want to know what's out there because I'm just so lost. God, I probably sound so stupid and I'm not even making any sense."
My friend told me that I was making "A surprising amount of sense actually." so...I know she understands. God, she's such a good friend. She really is one of the only ones that I have.
And all the while I just want to cry with joy and anger and frustration and confusion. I feel like I was being literally imprisoned, chained down and held hostage. And now the chains have fallen away and I'm just standing here bathing in the warm light, feeling the wind on my face, facing the world with new resolve and the freedom is like the sweetest honey on my lips...it just feels so good to be alive at this moment. So excruciatingly good. Like getting a hickey, that pleasure mixed with some pain. All these emotions have created this kind of feeling of joy and terror and...god, it just feels so good. I really feel like crying out in happiness.
Posted by HopeHavoc at 12:18 AM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: break up, drama, fear, joy, Lesbian, sorrow, stress
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Finally....finals
So, my finals are ALL on Thursday. Every....one of them. 8am-3pm.
I HATE IT!
Posted by HopeHavoc at 8:35 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Prop 8 sucks
I honestly think that we should all ban together, just as a social experiment, and come up with some compelling reasons why we should severely limit the rights of smokers. We can say that they make bad parents because they expose their children to harmful second hand smoke and they're more likely to drink and we all know that alcoholics make horrible parents, and that since they're going to die sooner than most healthy people they're going to cause their children the trauma of having a parent die sooner than they would if they weren't smokers. I'll bet we could get enough support from the general public to completely strip their rights away, through proper legislative process, of course. And then, when a bunch of yes on 8 voting smokers are scratching their heads saying "how could this have happened" we can all point our fingers at that clause in our constitution and say "well, as the Good lord says, you reap what you sow" and be done with it.
Posted by HopeHavoc at 9:47 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: angry rant, Gay, homophobic, Lesbian, smoking, social experiminet
Monday, March 09, 2009
Microsoft selectively enforces against gays and lesbians
I hate homophobia. It's the stupidest crap on earth, bar none.
Okay so here's the story, around May of 2008 a guy named Grant who goes by the handle Thegayergamer on Xbox Live is forced to change the name because according to Microsoft "the greater Xbox live community finds it offensive" and he's forced to change it. A few weeks later a Mr. Richard Gaywood in the UK finds that his handle, RichardGaywood (not extremely original but, give the guy a break), has also been deemed "offensive" by Microsoft, regardless of the fact that this is his legal name, given at birth. And then, just a few weeks ago (February 26th, 2009) a woman named Teresa had her account suspended and then terminated because she self identified as a lesbian on her profile and she had the audacity to report the harrassment she received as a result to Microsoft. How's that for you?
Pardon my example but:
"Teacher, the kids in class keep calling me names because I said that I was Irish."
"Well, Johnny, that's offensive. I'm going to have to put you in time out now."
I mean seriously, they banned her because she reported harrassment by other gamers. Harrassment that was triggered by her admittance of a personal trait she happens to possess. I mean, I've heard of blaming the victim but this is just ridiculous.
In all honesty, I'm sure it was her fault. She was probably kicking butt on Halo and the little wah-babies couldn't handle it so they started giving her crap when they realized that not only was she not a 14 year old boy but she wasn't a 40 year old man living at home with his mom either. No, she was a woman. So, they zeroed in on the one vulnerability she had and got her ToS'd (that refers to someone being suspended/banned/terminated/etc due to a Terms Of Service violation)
Oh, something worth noting, this guy from the first incident, TheGayerGamer, was banned because his name referenced things of a "sexual nature" and yet his heterosexual counterpart Straightergamer is still living large in the Live community. So is "Tbagger" and "Jewhunter" for that manner. Can you believe the hypocricy? The pure unadulterated bs. I mean, they let some wanna be Nazi jerk off call himself "jewhunter" but they don't let a gay person self identify as homosexual? It's disgusting. Our right to marry has been stripped from us and now apparently our right to be out of the closet is being taken as well. I'm not saying that I hate heterosexual people because, due to their being the majority and all, most of my friends happen to be straight. But, they aren't homophobic. And that is what I really have a problem with. Why do so many people have to be so God awfully homophobic? And why is it so commonplace? So normal. It's practically pc to be a bigoted a-hole these days.
I mean, seriously, example time. If it's not okay to say "Man, that's so black" or "Man, that's so crippled" when referencing something lame or stupid than why is it okay to say "Man, that's so gay" when you don't like something?
And what is up with that "No homo, no homo" crap when guys hug? I mean, seriously?
Do people go around saying "No beaner, no beaner" when they eat tacos? or "No chino, no chino" when they get good grades? or "No n****r, no n*****r" when they commit a crime?
No, because it's offensive. We all know the stereotypes and guess what? Unless you draw attention to the fact that yes you did in fact just hug your guy friend and yeah, you're real worried about him thinking your gay, in fact you might've even popped a boner just now, oh crap you did, better cover it up by saying 'no homo', then chances are he's not going to be thinking about it himself. But, when you start with that "no homo, no homo" crap then guess what? Everyone thinks your gay now. Because if you really have to make sure people don't think your gay then your probably pretty damn gay.
Anyway, rantings aside, I think that the SucksBox Live crap is so completely lame. I'm pretty sure that the number one reason these 3 got singled out really is because they're better gamers than the hacks they were up against because I've been on Xbox Live for a while now with the handle "Home-oh Theater" and no one is pissed about that. But then again, I suck at gaming and I only use the live for Netflix so, I'm not much of a threat to the juvenile delinquents or to the World of Dorkraft losers in their 40's who sit their like total B.A's when they're beating the crap out of pre-teens on Gears of War.
Posted by HopeHavoc at 2:46 AM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: angry rant, Gay, homophobic, Lesbian, Microsoft, Xbox Live
Starting out
So, today is my first blog ever. I'm just sitting here at 2:30am wondering why I can't sleep.
I'll just start the blog off by saying that I'll probably be writing a lot of poetry on here. And song lyrics.
I'll make one right now to give an idea of what I mean.
NO MORE THOUGHTS TO THINK
It seems as though I start to find
A lack of things to say
And on those days I start to think
There has to be some way
To see a silver lining
I'm sure it's best to just
Not saying anything at all
Instead of losing trust
Trust in other people
And then their trust in me
But then I realize a truth
I hadn't really seen
I had found that I, in fact
Did have something to say
All along I'd held a thought
That begged to find its way
Out into the world
For everyone to see
No, not the thought, I realize
I want them to see me.