Lost in translation
I actually laughed tears reading Lost in Translation: Misadventures in English Abroad by Charlie Croker. I'ts exactly what it says in the title, a collection of horribly mangled translations, wtf?-sentences, I-have-no-idea-what-that-even-means-phrases, who provide neverending laughter.
Have a look at my favorites:
Thailand (offering donkey rides)
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
-- Wait, do I have to bring my own donkey or what?
Hotel in Seoul:
Choose twin bed or marriage size; we regret no King Kong size.
-- King Kong will sue you for discrimination, I hope you know that.
India:
Welcome to Hotel Cosy: Where no one's stranger.
-- Well, at least they're honest, right?
In a hotel cloakroam, Germany:
Please hang yourself.
-- So they can sell your organs on the black market afterwards.
In an Italian hotel, signs by the bell:
If service is required, give two strokes to the maid and three to the waiter.
-- kinky, these Italians
Hot and cold water running up and down the stairs.
-- The world of physics stands in awe.
Hotel in Indonesia:
Someday laundry service.
-- But we won't tell you on what days.
Hotel in Egypt:
On September 3o, winter timing will start. As of 12:oo midnight all clocks will be forward one hour back.
-- Either this is Back to the Future or Quantum Leap ... but maybe it's just confusing as hell.
Hotel in London:
All fire extinguishers must be examined at least five days before a fire.
-- I foresee another case of time travel.
Hotel in Saudi Arabia:
In case of fire, please read this.
-- I may have not the time for this then, sorry.
Restaurant in Kenya:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
-- ... who's screaming all the time and will knock me out?
Response to an enquiry about accommodation
A hotel should be a home from home. But then again, it's at home where most deaths occur.
-- They really should change their advertisment strategy.
Hotel in Tokyo:
Our staffs are always here waiting for you to patronize them.
-- Say hello to the harsh truth about the lifes of the hotel stuff.
And now we come to my favorite part, Restaurants:
China:
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce.
-- I know, I should be shocked about the children, but I'm too enthralled by the sea blubber.
USA:
French creeps.
-- No love lost here.
Japan:
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones.
-- I didn't know you can eat those, let alone fry them.
Vietnam:
Pork with fresh garbage.
-- At least it's fresh.
India:
Deep fried fingers of my lady.
-- Limited offer only!
Cairo:
French fried ships.
-- Only order this if you're really hungry.
India:
Children soup.
-- I didn't know there were so many people out there who want to eat kids.
Nepal:
Fried friendship.
-- Oh, you can fry that now?
Poland:
Chessburger
-- But onyl for smart people.
Thailand:
Chicken gordon blue
-- I want to meet this Gordon Blue and congratulate him on creating this meal.
Spain:
Revolting eggs.
-- The question is, what did they actually wanted to say?
Nepal:
Complimentary glass wine or bear
-- Wait, would I get the bear in a glass as well?
Dehli:
Hamburgers, pizzas, ice cream and snakes.
-- Variety is everything
Thailand:
Rather burnt land slug.
-- They warn you upfront.
About a spicy dish, USA:
... will make you cry silently.
-- too funny for words
Japan:
Sexy calamari legs.
-- Two questions: Do calamaris have legs? And how do they find the sexy ones?
New York:
All our eggs made with 3 omeletes.
-- The old questions in a new variation: Who came first, the egg or the omelete?
Greece:
Chopped cow with a wire through it and bowels in sauce.
-- Thanks, but no thanks.
Japan:
Strawberry crap.
-- Hey, if you don't like it you don't have to offer it!
On to the service:
USA:
Employees must wash your hands.
-- That's even better than in the Ritz.
USA:
Test our pride.
-- You'd really sink that low?
Japan:
Please do not bring outside food excluding children under five.
-- ...who will be prepared according to your wishes by our chef.
France:
We serve five o'clock tea at all hours.
-- Take that, England!
Hong Kong:
Come broil yourself at your open table.
-- I'd rather not.
China:
Smart noshery makes u slobber.
-- I have no idea what it means, but if it makes me slobber I'm willing to try.
Switzerland:
Special today - no ice cream
-- yes, that's ... special.
Japan:
Hospitality now, or in 1o minutes.
-- or never, we're not sure yet
Have a look at my favorites:
Thailand (offering donkey rides)
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
-- Wait, do I have to bring my own donkey or what?
Hotel in Seoul:
Choose twin bed or marriage size; we regret no King Kong size.
-- King Kong will sue you for discrimination, I hope you know that.
India:
Welcome to Hotel Cosy: Where no one's stranger.
-- Well, at least they're honest, right?
In a hotel cloakroam, Germany:
Please hang yourself.
-- So they can sell your organs on the black market afterwards.
In an Italian hotel, signs by the bell:
If service is required, give two strokes to the maid and three to the waiter.
-- kinky, these Italians
Hot and cold water running up and down the stairs.
-- The world of physics stands in awe.
Hotel in Indonesia:
Someday laundry service.
-- But we won't tell you on what days.
Hotel in Egypt:
On September 3o, winter timing will start. As of 12:oo midnight all clocks will be forward one hour back.
-- Either this is Back to the Future or Quantum Leap ... but maybe it's just confusing as hell.
Hotel in London:
All fire extinguishers must be examined at least five days before a fire.
-- I foresee another case of time travel.
Hotel in Saudi Arabia:
In case of fire, please read this.
-- I may have not the time for this then, sorry.
Restaurant in Kenya:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
-- ... who's screaming all the time and will knock me out?
Response to an enquiry about accommodation
A hotel should be a home from home. But then again, it's at home where most deaths occur.
-- They really should change their advertisment strategy.
Hotel in Tokyo:
Our staffs are always here waiting for you to patronize them.
-- Say hello to the harsh truth about the lifes of the hotel stuff.
And now we come to my favorite part, Restaurants:
China:
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce.
-- I know, I should be shocked about the children, but I'm too enthralled by the sea blubber.
USA:
French creeps.
-- No love lost here.
Japan:
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones.
-- I didn't know you can eat those, let alone fry them.
Vietnam:
Pork with fresh garbage.
-- At least it's fresh.
India:
Deep fried fingers of my lady.
-- Limited offer only!
Cairo:
French fried ships.
-- Only order this if you're really hungry.
India:
Children soup.
-- I didn't know there were so many people out there who want to eat kids.
Nepal:
Fried friendship.
-- Oh, you can fry that now?
Poland:
Chessburger
-- But onyl for smart people.
Thailand:
Chicken gordon blue
-- I want to meet this Gordon Blue and congratulate him on creating this meal.
Spain:
Revolting eggs.
-- The question is, what did they actually wanted to say?
Nepal:
Complimentary glass wine or bear
-- Wait, would I get the bear in a glass as well?
Dehli:
Hamburgers, pizzas, ice cream and snakes.
-- Variety is everything
Thailand:
Rather burnt land slug.
-- They warn you upfront.
About a spicy dish, USA:
... will make you cry silently.
-- too funny for words
Japan:
Sexy calamari legs.
-- Two questions: Do calamaris have legs? And how do they find the sexy ones?
New York:
All our eggs made with 3 omeletes.
-- The old questions in a new variation: Who came first, the egg or the omelete?
Greece:
Chopped cow with a wire through it and bowels in sauce.
-- Thanks, but no thanks.
Japan:
Strawberry crap.
-- Hey, if you don't like it you don't have to offer it!
On to the service:
USA:
Employees must wash your hands.
-- That's even better than in the Ritz.
USA:
Test our pride.
-- You'd really sink that low?
Japan:
Please do not bring outside food excluding children under five.
-- ...who will be prepared according to your wishes by our chef.
France:
We serve five o'clock tea at all hours.
-- Take that, England!
Hong Kong:
Come broil yourself at your open table.
-- I'd rather not.
China:
Smart noshery makes u slobber.
-- I have no idea what it means, but if it makes me slobber I'm willing to try.
Switzerland:
Special today - no ice cream
-- yes, that's ... special.
Japan:
Hospitality now, or in 1o minutes.
-- or never, we're not sure yet