fic: regret & renew, pg, merlin
I wrote this to parallel my ficlets from Guinevere's point of view in Rise and Return. I wanted to show Arthur's thoughts during it all. The events in these two short ficlets do mirror the events in the ones from Guinevere's point of view.
This is all probably pretty much AU from the storyline that we are going to get judging by the preview for the next episode, but I wanted to finish it and put it up. Although I have considered writing one more scene...their wedding. We'll see if that happens.
While I was finishing up these two stories, I came across SVEvenstar's video, "Broken" that is set in Season 2 of the series. But it was a bit of inspiration for the last half of this. So thank you to her for her beautiful videos.
Thanks to all of you who have read and commented! It is greatly appreciated!!! I'd love to hear what you think on these as well! Thanks so much!
Title: Regret
Author: hope27
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Through 4x09.
Summary: He ached. Everything in him ached. He had since she’d left; since he’d sent her away.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to BBC. No copyright infringement intended.
He ached. Everything in him ached. He had since she’d left; since he’d sent her away. It was like she had taken a part of him with her. The part of him that cared, that lived.
His anger had subsided, even as he watched her pulling her belongs on the road out of Camelot. He’d had to grasp the cold stone balustrade to keep himself upright. With each step she took, she was carrying his heart farther away from Camelot. He was one of the strongest warriors, but in that moment, he’d lost all his strength.
In the following days, he noticed a silence in the castle that unnerved him. He kept expecting himself to wake from this horrible nightmare and see her beautiful smile coming around the corner. But he was awake. Awake, but numb.
He took to the woods more than once, insisting he just needed to go for a ride. But that’s not all he was doing. He was looking, listening. Every caravan that came into Camelot was questioned for news. He learned nothing.
He sent Merlin off on random trips to nearby towns, some just over the border in other kingdoms. He told his friend they were trips to check on the towns and people. Merlin knew better. Each time he came back with no news. Each time, Arthur’s heart became a little more numb.
He still saw the dreaded moment in some of his worst nightmares. The hurt and anger returned when he woke. But it quickly subsided with the memory of her face, her declaration, her plea. The plea he ignored.
His Guinevere was never one to lie. He remembered this too late. He regretted it every moment of every day.
*
He noticed the change in the square immediately; the surprised silence that seemed to fall on everyone and everything. The words he was speaking were quickly forgotten as he looked up and saw her.
Atop a white mare, she wore the familiar purple cloak, though it was torn and tattered in many places. Some mended, others frayed and forgotten. Her shoulders were straight, gaze level, chin held high. She was radiant even in her pain.
Her sorrow and weariness was written on her face, at the corners of her mouth and in the dullness of her eyes. She was not the same Guinevere.
His heart tried to remember how to beat as she stopped in front of them. She refused to meet his gaze, and his heart and soul begged her to look at him just once.
His anger had faded and all that was left was pain and regret.
Yet, despite it all, he couldn’t help but speak. His heart fluttered, in pain and in hope, pushing the word past his lips. One word that he hadn’t spoken aloud in weeks, only in his dreams.
Her name.
***
Title: Renew
Author: hope27
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Through 4x09.
Summary: Through his pain and anger, he’d never stopped loving her. He knew that now. He would always love her.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to BBC. No copyright infringement intended.
She would not meet his gaze even after her name left his lips, the word both comforting and painful to him.
Her voice was tight, words cold and raw. There was no warmth, no emotion.
Every part of him yearned to reach out to her, to feel the touch of her hand, the softness of her cheek. Just seeing her caused the hole he’d felt dwelling deep within his heart to slowly begin to fill.
Through his pain and anger, he’d never stopped loving her. He knew that now. He would always love her. His biggest mistake had been sending her away for he realized she was a part of him, always.
He watched, envious as she looked to his knights rather than him. He could see her pain now. His own anger had made him blind to hers then, but now...now it was achingly clear.
He simply nodded at her request, leading her into the castle, words lost upon the wind.
*
He had to grip the hilt of his sword to stop his hands from shaking as they walked silently into the throne room. His heart beat loudly in his ears. He tried to ignore the haunting images of the last moments they had shared in this room.
He listened silently as she spoke, telling him of plans to take Camelot; plans by his own sister to take what was rightfully his. She spoke with conviction, emotion slowly rising in her voice. She spoke with the certainty of a queen, desperately wanting her home to be safe.
And when she was finished, silence reigned.
He let the information settle, never taking his eyes off her, wishing she would look at him, just once.
“I only have one request before I die,” she then added quietly. “I need you to know and believe that my heart is yours. Shattered or whole, it is yours. Always.”
Her plea, soft yet forceful, was enough to bring him to his knees. He felt his half-mended heart rend open, every emotion pouring through his veins.
He watched as she fought to keep her own emotions under control, her knuckles white as she clutched her hands together.
Before he could think, he was moving to her, opening his mouth but finding no words to take away the pain. She still had not looked at him, and he ached to see the warmth of her eyes gazing upon him.
His fingers caressed her cheek, and she gasped softly. Her name was a whispered plea, begging her to look at him.
When she finally met his gaze, he lost control of his breathing. Her eyes were sad, dull. The sparkling laughter and warmth that she carried, gone, hidden behind the heartache.
He spoke her name again, this time begging her to forgive; begging her to still love him.
Tears flowed down her cheeks, and he wiped them away. She let him hold her, and he breathed deeply, soaking up everything. He murmured words of apology, of love, of hope, against her skin.
“I love you.”
Every fiber of him knew these words were true. And with this truth, he slowly felt his heart begin to mend, his hope renew.