Fuck shit crap...
Can't really speak about it. I wish I could, I truly do. But there's no one I can speak with. It's none of my business and yet it still burns and eats away at me. This is the best that I can do right now, for my own sake. I have to say that there's at least a problem. Maybe recognition and limited revelation will help ease the pain and turmoil within me. I'm hating myself for feeling like this. I shouldn't. It's none of my business. What's worse, my mental strife is manifesting itself physically. Since Saturday morning, I've been getting sicker and sicker. I can't sleep because it haunts me there, I'm starving with hunger and yet I can't eat, I feel nausieous every minute, and I don't know how to end it. There's no forseeable conclusion to my problem, yes my problem, because thats what it is. A problem with me. Sometimes I wish I lived in a cave....
*Edit*
Oh, and while I know you can't ignore your problems, I've learned if you try hard enough, you can certainly outride them. The only problem is you might get a sprained/twisted ankle out of it. Yeah, so after everyone left I went on an amazing but also horrible 3.5-4 hr bikeride thru steeprock. Well, it wasn't all in steeprock. First, I rode about 2 miles on flat ground. Then I carried my bike up this steep and narrow rock path to the top of a mountain. Then I carried it down. Then I rode a little more. Then I found an abandoned dirt road which I didn't know where it led. So, thinking it led to somewhere else in the park, I followed it. Well, it ended at a trail. Thinking it was a looped path, I rode on it. And I kept riding on it. The phrase "I should REALLY turn back now" was on my lips basically every 3 minutes. Nearly an hour later, the trail ends and I find myself lost 3 towns over. Well, then I find a hilly road that looks like it might lead to civilization. I start walking my bike up it. I say walk because it took me ten minutes to get up this thing. No way I'm riding a bike up somethin that long on a twisted ankle. Riding down it was fun tho on the other side. Then I met a random old lady with a dog with three legs and asked her for directions. Yeah..... I was REALLY far away. Shrugging at a good excuse for exercise and further distraction, I set off down the road with a smile and slight grimace (from my ankle) on my face. Did I mention just how HILLY it is in my area? There is no such thing as a flat road basically. So, for 10 miles on a main road I was riding my bike. Yes riding, I was too afraid to dare try walking. Well, I got to the top of my last hill, found a grassy nole and just plopped. It was only a short rest because I had long since finished off my nalgene and I was DYING of thirst and the long downhill ahead of me was very tempting. I love how Washington has about 5 roads leading to the same spot. It made it easy for me to choose a rarely used but well kept road for my plumet down. I RACED down that thing it was so awesome. Anyways, I got back to the park and my car a short while later but still didn't want to go home. It was still daylight out so I said screw it. I biked another few miles to this really cool old railroad tunnel and walked inside. It was weird because it was very echoy and kind of spooky. The little light that got in reflected off the slick walls and made weird shapes. Haha, I felt like a homeless guy was gonna jump out and mug me at any second. So I went in and out the tunnel and then rode back via the way I came in (the trail sort of deadends a short while past the tunnel for some reason) and then headed home. BUT I STILL WASNT READY TO HEAD BACK. So, I took the long way back. Aka I drove my car up the awesome, steep and incredibly dangerous (because of its blind corners) dirt road that runs behind my house. Took a little while longer but was the perfect wind down to a great distraction and workout. Then back to the house to limp to the couch and watch tv for a few hours while I iced my ankle and chatted online a bit and tried to find an appetite to actually eat something (since my diet the past 2 days has been: 1 hotdog for Sat lunch, 1/4 of a dinner at the Hibachi, no breakfast, 1/4 of my brunch today and then 1 piece of fried chicken tonight for dinner). At this rate I'm going to be Ghandhi soon. I need to seriously find some inner peace soon, for the sake of my physical (if not mental) health if nothing else.
*Edit*
Oh, and while I know you can't ignore your problems, I've learned if you try hard enough, you can certainly outride them. The only problem is you might get a sprained/twisted ankle out of it. Yeah, so after everyone left I went on an amazing but also horrible 3.5-4 hr bikeride thru steeprock. Well, it wasn't all in steeprock. First, I rode about 2 miles on flat ground. Then I carried my bike up this steep and narrow rock path to the top of a mountain. Then I carried it down. Then I rode a little more. Then I found an abandoned dirt road which I didn't know where it led. So, thinking it led to somewhere else in the park, I followed it. Well, it ended at a trail. Thinking it was a looped path, I rode on it. And I kept riding on it. The phrase "I should REALLY turn back now" was on my lips basically every 3 minutes. Nearly an hour later, the trail ends and I find myself lost 3 towns over. Well, then I find a hilly road that looks like it might lead to civilization. I start walking my bike up it. I say walk because it took me ten minutes to get up this thing. No way I'm riding a bike up somethin that long on a twisted ankle. Riding down it was fun tho on the other side. Then I met a random old lady with a dog with three legs and asked her for directions. Yeah..... I was REALLY far away. Shrugging at a good excuse for exercise and further distraction, I set off down the road with a smile and slight grimace (from my ankle) on my face. Did I mention just how HILLY it is in my area? There is no such thing as a flat road basically. So, for 10 miles on a main road I was riding my bike. Yes riding, I was too afraid to dare try walking. Well, I got to the top of my last hill, found a grassy nole and just plopped. It was only a short rest because I had long since finished off my nalgene and I was DYING of thirst and the long downhill ahead of me was very tempting. I love how Washington has about 5 roads leading to the same spot. It made it easy for me to choose a rarely used but well kept road for my plumet down. I RACED down that thing it was so awesome. Anyways, I got back to the park and my car a short while later but still didn't want to go home. It was still daylight out so I said screw it. I biked another few miles to this really cool old railroad tunnel and walked inside. It was weird because it was very echoy and kind of spooky. The little light that got in reflected off the slick walls and made weird shapes. Haha, I felt like a homeless guy was gonna jump out and mug me at any second. So I went in and out the tunnel and then rode back via the way I came in (the trail sort of deadends a short while past the tunnel for some reason) and then headed home. BUT I STILL WASNT READY TO HEAD BACK. So, I took the long way back. Aka I drove my car up the awesome, steep and incredibly dangerous (because of its blind corners) dirt road that runs behind my house. Took a little while longer but was the perfect wind down to a great distraction and workout. Then back to the house to limp to the couch and watch tv for a few hours while I iced my ankle and chatted online a bit and tried to find an appetite to actually eat something (since my diet the past 2 days has been: 1 hotdog for Sat lunch, 1/4 of a dinner at the Hibachi, no breakfast, 1/4 of my brunch today and then 1 piece of fried chicken tonight for dinner). At this rate I'm going to be Ghandhi soon. I need to seriously find some inner peace soon, for the sake of my physical (if not mental) health if nothing else.