Old Thoughts of Last Year
The only time I was happy with my weight seems like ages ago now. I
think I was 95 to 105 lbs. Now I'm 138 or somewhere around there. Even
when I was 114 I was severely unhappy with myself. There are journal
entries I have where I wrote about how fat I felt even though people
used to think I was anorexic. I never was. There were many times when
I thought I might want to be. Last year I was heading towards the
bulimic path when I became so disgusted with my body that I felt I had
to gag after eating. I took ipecac to vomit when I thought I had been
bad. The food made me feel empty and I ate so much of it. Later it
became hard to swallow. I bought a book titled "When Food is Love." It
seemed to hit the mark for me. I only wanted people around me to show
their concern and affection. I wanted what I always have: attention.
Why is it so bad to want this? It is a hard life as they say and I
think sometimes that we choose to make it harder on ourselves by
choice. I didn't get the attention I thought I would, but I did get
some. Even with this my self-image didn't change. I wonder if it ever
has that much. There'll always be something that I hate about myself.
I just don't want to live with so much regret anymore. I'm tired of the
negative attitudes at home. It feels like a constant tugging downward
whenever I progress a little bit. I feel so deprived yet how can I
be? I have all I want or need, I suppose. If I was skinny again just
like I want to be, would I like myself more? Am I that shallow? Or
would I find something else to be disgusted with? Because I know that
what hate is mostly an internal element. I need love. I wish I loved
myself. I feel so unloved today. So much I could sit here and do
nothing till I forced tear drops out just to have some release. I need
help. Or that song that says "I need God, not some religion."
think I was 95 to 105 lbs. Now I'm 138 or somewhere around there. Even
when I was 114 I was severely unhappy with myself. There are journal
entries I have where I wrote about how fat I felt even though people
used to think I was anorexic. I never was. There were many times when
I thought I might want to be. Last year I was heading towards the
bulimic path when I became so disgusted with my body that I felt I had
to gag after eating. I took ipecac to vomit when I thought I had been
bad. The food made me feel empty and I ate so much of it. Later it
became hard to swallow. I bought a book titled "When Food is Love." It
seemed to hit the mark for me. I only wanted people around me to show
their concern and affection. I wanted what I always have: attention.
Why is it so bad to want this? It is a hard life as they say and I
think sometimes that we choose to make it harder on ourselves by
choice. I didn't get the attention I thought I would, but I did get
some. Even with this my self-image didn't change. I wonder if it ever
has that much. There'll always be something that I hate about myself.
I just don't want to live with so much regret anymore. I'm tired of the
negative attitudes at home. It feels like a constant tugging downward
whenever I progress a little bit. I feel so deprived yet how can I
be? I have all I want or need, I suppose. If I was skinny again just
like I want to be, would I like myself more? Am I that shallow? Or
would I find something else to be disgusted with? Because I know that
what hate is mostly an internal element. I need love. I wish I loved
myself. I feel so unloved today. So much I could sit here and do
nothing till I forced tear drops out just to have some release. I need
help. Or that song that says "I need God, not some religion."