Yearning to Chuck Out the Burden
Why do I get this way? So jealous or maybe it's a backlash of feelings from being offended. How could she let this new guy take up all her time? I feel so guilty for not wanting to see her. I want to feel my pain alone so I don't have to hide it. I'm sick of hiding it. I thought I would have lost inches off my waist by now, but I seem bigger than before. The shame of working next to a personal trainer! It always seems like when something good happens life has to spit poison in my face and make it worth less. I don't want to have to depend on her! I wish I had other friends to go on trips with. Maybe someday she'd understand me when this happens. She never gets jealous of me and even though it's a good thing I wish she'd see me as an active popular person. I want her to treasure our time together and get excited to see me. Where are those strong wrenching feelings? I feel like an abnormal person. People make me feel like a circus attraction. I should have killed myself in high school. I had such dreams and hopes and passion! If I had only ended it there and not have to be worn down, compromising, disappointed again and again. Now I lack all the things that could have helped me save myself. Too much fear and doubt. I'm so hurt. You are hurt. There's too much to carry at once. How often I have trusted God in certain things that I now regret doing. I should have done things myself and lived my life more vibrantly. Leaving it to trust and faith seems so stupid now. No wonder I haven't accomplished anything. I've been waiting. All my life waiting for the right path. The right direction. A sign. Making up whatever I could along the way. Why must I live to see what I've become?! It's abusive! Is there a reason for it all? I used to think on higher callings and something better waiting around the corner, but why should I receive anything better? Do I deserve it more than the rest? Of course not. Am I only here to live out my term like a common person? A trudging peasant with a robotic life, for always? No, I don't have it truly bad. Not in the worldly picture of things. Just no purpose. No faith. Less trust. A shell of a person that once was. Not beautiful and not ugly. Uneven. Unbalanced. Heartbroken and cynical. Tired of the internal struggle and the constant fight of mankind. Selfish and compassionate at the same time. I need a mind vacation.