Dear old dad
Sorry about the lack of update-age, I just haven't felt like it or have been too busy. But prepare for rant-age...I'm a little PMS-y and a whole lot of hurt..
My father...dear old dad..sperm guy. I suppose I should be happy I even have one, and even more one that supposedly loves me.
I say supposedly because of this, my dad isn't the most perceptive, or the strongest-willed guy around, but I always figured that he was good-hearted. Until it comes to his greedy bitch of a wife. My step-mom is completely threatened by me for God only KNOWS what reason..maybe it's the fact that my dad did have a life before her. Not like he really spends time with me, so she's pretty safe. Well, since my father is whipped beyond all recognition when he's around her, I'm pretty used to the cold, indifferent treatment when I'm over there. Why do I continue going over there? Because of my darling brother, and sisters...those three kids are my babies...they are my life. I love them to death, and they love me back... it's magical, it really is. It is hard dealing with their questions of why I don't live with them, but it's even harder I guess to see my dad and not have questions...or even paternal acknowledgment until his Hollier-than-thou yuppie side-kick is gone. He won't even tell me that he loves me when he's around her..it's like he's ashamed of me, like I'm just some filth that he can't seem to get rid of. I'm a God damned honor student, I dont get into trouble, I help out in my community, sure I'm not the best... but I'm not something that he should feel that he has to hide....what more can i do?? I am beyond polite when I'm at their house, I clean up after myself, I do dishes without being asked, i entertain the kids...I'm like a personal helper for them..
My dad tells me he's beyond proud of me, when we're alone, or when he calls once a week...from work, everytime. He tells me he loves me too..he doesn't like to show it though. My father has paid my mother (who works in a hospital cafeteria, and now going back to school part time)180 dollars, a month in child support. He pays for nothing else... and he complains about that.. exact quote "I don't understand why I have to pay 180 dollars a month when i don't spend that on my other kids" Hey, thanks for food and clothing dad. Well after refusing to HELP pay for my braces, senior pictures, new glasses, and did I mention college? My mum finally had it with him. She went to the Domestics building to have a sort of audit done so change the amount of money he pays a month. Which I worry about for one reason, they have three kids, my step mom QUIT HER JOB to stay home with the kids, and my dad works a lot. However, this worry is alleviated slightly by the fact that they still have enough money to have brand name clothing for all of the kids, can remodel the house, and kelli is free to spend whatever of the hard earned funds she pleases. Anyway, my mom isn't really in it for the money... she just wants to be able to scare him shitless. More power to her.
Well, why am i so hurt/angry/confused/pissed the fuck off? I'll tell you.. We went out to eat after my Pap's baptismal-my dad's parents, my aunts and uncles, and him and his family. Here's some background:
1)He hadn't spoken with me from the time he got the statement informing him that my mom was suing, until that night
2) I didnt come to dinner with him..or leave, but I'll explain that later...
Well, he was completely minimal contact with me throughout the entire ceremony, before and after... I just figured since he was all busy being "father and husband of the year" that I'd ride with my aunt to dinner, i didn't really think anything of the indifference, hey I was used to it. But it got even worse at dinner...he barely talked to me, didn't sit near me all night, hadn't even asked how school was, nothing. Anytime a conversation was had, I initiated it. Well by the end of the night, I needed a ride home... so I asked him if he'd take me home and he said no, that he had the work van... and pushed me off on my aunt laure. This would have been legit if it wasnt for the simple fact that i ride with him in the company van more than I ride with him in his actual car. Real smooth, dad. Well, blame it on disappointment, hormones or general hurt, i broke down on the way home... I just knew it was because of the letter he got about the court thing, and Kelli being there...he hated me, he was ashamed of me, whatever...it hurt. And again, I was the idiot that let herself be hurt my her father, you know.. the man that's supposed to keep me safe from the world.
Now, I just let it go after i got everything out of my system... I've always been able to forgive my dad because I just figured he didn't know how he was affecting me. But apparently, he does.
He called the other day when i was at the movies with Liz, and I guess my mom questioned about what was up with him the night we went to dinner. He said that he shouldn't have acted that way, and that he didn't know how to make it up to me. It turns out the man that I'm supposed to call Dad is completely aware of every single time he hurts me. And he does nothing about it.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, and Mom...good fucking luck.
My father...dear old dad..sperm guy. I suppose I should be happy I even have one, and even more one that supposedly loves me.
I say supposedly because of this, my dad isn't the most perceptive, or the strongest-willed guy around, but I always figured that he was good-hearted. Until it comes to his greedy bitch of a wife. My step-mom is completely threatened by me for God only KNOWS what reason..maybe it's the fact that my dad did have a life before her. Not like he really spends time with me, so she's pretty safe. Well, since my father is whipped beyond all recognition when he's around her, I'm pretty used to the cold, indifferent treatment when I'm over there. Why do I continue going over there? Because of my darling brother, and sisters...those three kids are my babies...they are my life. I love them to death, and they love me back... it's magical, it really is. It is hard dealing with their questions of why I don't live with them, but it's even harder I guess to see my dad and not have questions...or even paternal acknowledgment until his Hollier-than-thou yuppie side-kick is gone. He won't even tell me that he loves me when he's around her..it's like he's ashamed of me, like I'm just some filth that he can't seem to get rid of. I'm a God damned honor student, I dont get into trouble, I help out in my community, sure I'm not the best... but I'm not something that he should feel that he has to hide....what more can i do?? I am beyond polite when I'm at their house, I clean up after myself, I do dishes without being asked, i entertain the kids...I'm like a personal helper for them..
My dad tells me he's beyond proud of me, when we're alone, or when he calls once a week...from work, everytime. He tells me he loves me too..he doesn't like to show it though. My father has paid my mother (who works in a hospital cafeteria, and now going back to school part time)180 dollars, a month in child support. He pays for nothing else... and he complains about that.. exact quote "I don't understand why I have to pay 180 dollars a month when i don't spend that on my other kids" Hey, thanks for food and clothing dad. Well after refusing to HELP pay for my braces, senior pictures, new glasses, and did I mention college? My mum finally had it with him. She went to the Domestics building to have a sort of audit done so change the amount of money he pays a month. Which I worry about for one reason, they have three kids, my step mom QUIT HER JOB to stay home with the kids, and my dad works a lot. However, this worry is alleviated slightly by the fact that they still have enough money to have brand name clothing for all of the kids, can remodel the house, and kelli is free to spend whatever of the hard earned funds she pleases. Anyway, my mom isn't really in it for the money... she just wants to be able to scare him shitless. More power to her.
Well, why am i so hurt/angry/confused/pissed the fuck off? I'll tell you.. We went out to eat after my Pap's baptismal-my dad's parents, my aunts and uncles, and him and his family. Here's some background:
1)He hadn't spoken with me from the time he got the statement informing him that my mom was suing, until that night
2) I didnt come to dinner with him..or leave, but I'll explain that later...
Well, he was completely minimal contact with me throughout the entire ceremony, before and after... I just figured since he was all busy being "father and husband of the year" that I'd ride with my aunt to dinner, i didn't really think anything of the indifference, hey I was used to it. But it got even worse at dinner...he barely talked to me, didn't sit near me all night, hadn't even asked how school was, nothing. Anytime a conversation was had, I initiated it. Well by the end of the night, I needed a ride home... so I asked him if he'd take me home and he said no, that he had the work van... and pushed me off on my aunt laure. This would have been legit if it wasnt for the simple fact that i ride with him in the company van more than I ride with him in his actual car. Real smooth, dad. Well, blame it on disappointment, hormones or general hurt, i broke down on the way home... I just knew it was because of the letter he got about the court thing, and Kelli being there...he hated me, he was ashamed of me, whatever...it hurt. And again, I was the idiot that let herself be hurt my her father, you know.. the man that's supposed to keep me safe from the world.
Now, I just let it go after i got everything out of my system... I've always been able to forgive my dad because I just figured he didn't know how he was affecting me. But apparently, he does.
He called the other day when i was at the movies with Liz, and I guess my mom questioned about what was up with him the night we went to dinner. He said that he shouldn't have acted that way, and that he didn't know how to make it up to me. It turns out the man that I'm supposed to call Dad is completely aware of every single time he hurts me. And he does nothing about it.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, and Mom...good fucking luck.