the anatomy of love
back in NM for spring break, and thus far it hasnt been too painful (minus the trip to the DMV where those cranky BITCHES who work there would not cut me some slack and renew my damn drivers license... apparently in order to change your address you need physical proof of your residence at that address... like a voter's registration card. which i only had a copy of - which was notorized and signed by the freakin head of the county voter place - sorry dont know the actual name - regardless the entire experience gave me a splitting headache and yet another reason to think that this country is just effing ridiculous). zach got his new car (orange dodge neon... far cooler than it actually sounds) so hes pretty stoked on that. he may drive it back to SC for spring quarter, which would rule because i wouldnt have to drive his ass around all the damn time. i think he would like santa cruz so much more if he had his own car. hes lucky that im there. i do so much for him i wonder if he realizes it. i dont mind doing things for zach cuz we always help each other out... i just wish that hed remember that when we;re back home. hes kind of a self centered dick when hes at home with all his friends (i like about 2 out of the hundreds... most of them are assholes). so... i dunno. zach becomes more self centered and i start stressing out about this and that. but, then i catch myself and remind myself to just chill out. so, im chillin...
the first night i was in town i went down and saw chris, kevin, and janna and had a really good time just catchin up with those kids. chris was cooler this time around... last time i saw him he was a little weirded out (probably because it was new years and it seemed natural - and yet not - for us to kiss at midnight. meh whatev). on sunday dad, zach, and i went up skiing and the snow was amazing. theres so much up there its kind of hard to believe. i havent seen this much snow in a really long time in NM. skiing was fun minus the blizzard of spring snow (i.e. wet, heavy, icy snow that soaks through every piece of clothing youre wearing), so we had to bail out before the lifts closed cuz dad couldnt see where he was going and zachs face was freezing off. it was fun anyway. yesterday was the DMV/county office debacle and driving down to SF to hang out. i bought this awesome chillum piece at concrete jungle and the guy working gave me a really good deal because he thought i had beautiful eyes ("i could stare at your eyes all day"). ya know, as a woman i definitely dont mind using my looks to get what i want. that sounds terrible but in this world we gotta use whatever we got. i love this chillum and im gonna have issues leaving it in NM... that was my justification for buying it: keep it in NM because whenever we come back we've got not problem smuggling weed but a piece is a different matter. too big... difficult to hide. ya know... so... the chillum will live here. last night we went out to dinner at Pranzo and had a fabulous time. i had a gigantic glass of wine and got a little tipsy. when i talked to Max on the phone he said that i sounded like a lot of fun when drunk and therefore need to get drunk together in SD. so... thatll be fun. Meredith also called me... which was surprising. i didnt think shed actually have the balls to call me, but i suppose she actually cares. so... i couldnt hear the last part of her number so i wasnt able to call her back but hopefully she'll get my email. itd be interesting to see her tonight. i dont really know how that would go down... *sigh* too much shit.
i also drunkenly IMed ryan last night. i was just shooting the shit (i think) and he brought up seeing each other in SD. we determined that hes going to pick me up at the airport at 2 on thursday and go from there. he seemed a bit... i dunno... weird and distant. but of course nothing can really be determined about someones feelings via IM but ive gotten really good at reading the Ryan IM. got to i suppose since thats really the only method of communication that the two of us have. again... whatev...
i was talking to Mom yesterday about all of these conflicted feelings that ive been having about my relationships lately (namely Max and Ryan). and she said that where Ryan is concerned ive got two choices: 1) tuck those feelings away, disregard them, and just try to forget that they exist (uhhh, impossible yes?), and 2) accept the fact that those feelings will never go away just make sure they dont go past a certain point. with certain people youll always have that connection, sexual tension, attraction, and you can embrace that, have fun, flirt and just be. she also said that i may never get over those feelings i have for him, they wont ever go away and i just have to learn to live with them. ryan only wants me when he cant have me... thats the exciting part for him. the unavailability thing... its the thrill of the chase. so i can play that game... i can play hard to get... i dont necessarily like to, but if thats what it is, then thats what it is. and where Max is concerned ive just got to let it evolve as it will. since ive been in a bit of a holding pattern these past few weeks and his feelings have continued to grow he definitely at this point cares for me more than i for him. ive got to find my own balance and take my time. i also dont have to explain anything to him. if he asks about why ive been distant or whatever then i can just tell him that im sorry and to give me some time to figure my shit out. ive been feeling lately that a break up could be imminent but after talking to mom i realized that this is just rushing ahead and im getting freaked out by it. so i just need to control my freak out and see where this goes. i really is almost too good to fuck up. ive spent so much time alone that i dont really know how to be half a whole anymore.... i guess you gotta stay in practice for these kinds of things.
the new puppy Sam is just totally adorable. hes decided that im his playmate so ive got the scratches to prove it. mom said that this morning he sat outside my bedroom door and whined because he wanted mom to let him in so he could play. hes a silly klutzy puppy and of course it only makes me want to get a puppy of my own. i definitely want a labradoodle. theyre so smart and playful plus THEY DONT SHED. thats KEY.
tonight zach and i are probably gonna be heading down to albuquerque. ill see DJ and chris and possibly meredith. then its just one more day before its back to california. i have a feeling that a lot is going to be determined before the quarter starts.
the first night i was in town i went down and saw chris, kevin, and janna and had a really good time just catchin up with those kids. chris was cooler this time around... last time i saw him he was a little weirded out (probably because it was new years and it seemed natural - and yet not - for us to kiss at midnight. meh whatev). on sunday dad, zach, and i went up skiing and the snow was amazing. theres so much up there its kind of hard to believe. i havent seen this much snow in a really long time in NM. skiing was fun minus the blizzard of spring snow (i.e. wet, heavy, icy snow that soaks through every piece of clothing youre wearing), so we had to bail out before the lifts closed cuz dad couldnt see where he was going and zachs face was freezing off. it was fun anyway. yesterday was the DMV/county office debacle and driving down to SF to hang out. i bought this awesome chillum piece at concrete jungle and the guy working gave me a really good deal because he thought i had beautiful eyes ("i could stare at your eyes all day"). ya know, as a woman i definitely dont mind using my looks to get what i want. that sounds terrible but in this world we gotta use whatever we got. i love this chillum and im gonna have issues leaving it in NM... that was my justification for buying it: keep it in NM because whenever we come back we've got not problem smuggling weed but a piece is a different matter. too big... difficult to hide. ya know... so... the chillum will live here. last night we went out to dinner at Pranzo and had a fabulous time. i had a gigantic glass of wine and got a little tipsy. when i talked to Max on the phone he said that i sounded like a lot of fun when drunk and therefore need to get drunk together in SD. so... thatll be fun. Meredith also called me... which was surprising. i didnt think shed actually have the balls to call me, but i suppose she actually cares. so... i couldnt hear the last part of her number so i wasnt able to call her back but hopefully she'll get my email. itd be interesting to see her tonight. i dont really know how that would go down... *sigh* too much shit.
i also drunkenly IMed ryan last night. i was just shooting the shit (i think) and he brought up seeing each other in SD. we determined that hes going to pick me up at the airport at 2 on thursday and go from there. he seemed a bit... i dunno... weird and distant. but of course nothing can really be determined about someones feelings via IM but ive gotten really good at reading the Ryan IM. got to i suppose since thats really the only method of communication that the two of us have. again... whatev...
i was talking to Mom yesterday about all of these conflicted feelings that ive been having about my relationships lately (namely Max and Ryan). and she said that where Ryan is concerned ive got two choices: 1) tuck those feelings away, disregard them, and just try to forget that they exist (uhhh, impossible yes?), and 2) accept the fact that those feelings will never go away just make sure they dont go past a certain point. with certain people youll always have that connection, sexual tension, attraction, and you can embrace that, have fun, flirt and just be. she also said that i may never get over those feelings i have for him, they wont ever go away and i just have to learn to live with them. ryan only wants me when he cant have me... thats the exciting part for him. the unavailability thing... its the thrill of the chase. so i can play that game... i can play hard to get... i dont necessarily like to, but if thats what it is, then thats what it is. and where Max is concerned ive just got to let it evolve as it will. since ive been in a bit of a holding pattern these past few weeks and his feelings have continued to grow he definitely at this point cares for me more than i for him. ive got to find my own balance and take my time. i also dont have to explain anything to him. if he asks about why ive been distant or whatever then i can just tell him that im sorry and to give me some time to figure my shit out. ive been feeling lately that a break up could be imminent but after talking to mom i realized that this is just rushing ahead and im getting freaked out by it. so i just need to control my freak out and see where this goes. i really is almost too good to fuck up. ive spent so much time alone that i dont really know how to be half a whole anymore.... i guess you gotta stay in practice for these kinds of things.
the new puppy Sam is just totally adorable. hes decided that im his playmate so ive got the scratches to prove it. mom said that this morning he sat outside my bedroom door and whined because he wanted mom to let him in so he could play. hes a silly klutzy puppy and of course it only makes me want to get a puppy of my own. i definitely want a labradoodle. theyre so smart and playful plus THEY DONT SHED. thats KEY.
tonight zach and i are probably gonna be heading down to albuquerque. ill see DJ and chris and possibly meredith. then its just one more day before its back to california. i have a feeling that a lot is going to be determined before the quarter starts.