this will probably be my last entry on lj

[honey_06]

i feel like its all my fault for my parents "debt" my dad retired last year and is trying to support my family with all these small jobs he's been taking up. my mom got a second job, and they have 2 kids in college. one, being me, should of graduated last may. i should have never changed my major last second because look where this stands. we have no money. and it seems everytime i think we do, something else comes up. like car bills (mine) with my accident new breaks and a flat tire all costed over 2000 bucks. and my parents paid for everything. i babysit for a living. i mena its good money but its not enough. i can't handle a real job and go to school full time at all. im so stressed out how it is and im making myself physically sick. i think im getting to the point where i just wanna say fuck it and leave school get a full time job for a while save enough money then just finish up my degree at night or something. i dont know what to do. i only have 2 semesters left after this and i dont want to give up but at the same time im just so sick of it all and just want it to be over and done with. its killing me to the point where im making myself sick. and my mom has noticed something because i lost all this weight on purpose and she called me today half crying saying she loved me and that she knows something is going on for the passsed month and wants me to talk to her. i wanna talk so bad but i know what im going to hear "finish up school just get your degree" i feel i cant anymore though. ive been in college almost 6 years at a 4 year college. i just dont know what to do anymore. who goes to school for that long besides a freakin doctor? and what am i coming out with an art/english degree. what job wants that combo? i should have just stayed miserable with an english degree and i would be out by now. im so stupid sometimes its ridiculous. i just wanna run away from everything and never go back. its so bad im not going to class and im making up stories that im sick or just depressed. i think thats just what it is. im covering it up with so many emotions i dont realize that maybe i just need help figuring out my life. i wanan quit school more than anything. ive always hated it. i have afew weeks left but my body has completely shut down. i feel so weak aand annoyed at myself for being this way. im proud i pushed myself this far, but how far can i really go? im so behind in this photography class it kills me to think about it. right now im having a huge anxiety attack just thinking about it. i cant do this anymore. i have nothing else to fend for. i just want to be out of school and starting on my life. im 22 years old and i want to be everything and anything in the world but i know without a degree thats impossible. school is just not for me right now. it never really was. when i say i hate school, i really really mean it and will never take that back. i could always get a simple 9-5 job for a year or so go to school at night (but molloy is gay and doesnt have any night classes at all) so once again im stuck there. i feel like crying but i cant. theres so much in my head that needs to be let out and i wont let it. i try so hard to cover it up but now its just too overbearing i cant stand to even look at myself in the mirror. what is wrong with me? why cant i just suck it up and go to class and finish out the semester? bc im scared, ashamed, axious and just lazy. i want to go but the anxiety is so bad in the morning i just give up easily. i dont know what to say or do and everytime i try to talk about it someone talks me out of it telling me how stupid i am for even mentioning what i want to do. and i know their right, i just feel so down about it and i feel the easiest way to get it out of my head is to run away.

sorry abotu that rant, just feeling blah. comment if you like or just ignore it and move on

saz