Ragdoll
I'm coming apart at the seams. One little incident, one little look, one little comment, and I lose it.
My paranoia is getting increasingly stronger, I'm hearing words, seeing things that aren't really happening. Today was a lot like that, Erin was stressed, about grades we're guessing, but all I could think of was what I did this time, what I did to make her not even want to LOOK at me. She'll be laughing with Rachel, I come over to say hi, she goes silent, blows me off. And I feel like my heart's been ripped to shreds. I'm weak, I'll admit. I'm afraid to go anywhere near her anymore. And I know, deep down in my heart, she hates me. This fact has been weighing on my mind heavily, especially in orchestra and Ap euro, where I don't have almost anyone to talk to. Similar events have been happening with Courtney, she no longer talks to me, laughs with me, she won't even look at me. I wouldn't say it's hate she feels towards me, but something akin towards that, and now, it's grown even stronger. I was so joyous at the beginning of the year over making a new friend, having someone new I could talk to, but now I feel uneasy simply being around her, much like Erin, I feel what trouble I have caused. And know that I am becoming increasingly alone.
To this point only Elle has not frightened me to the point of mistrust. She may be the only one who will laugh with me as heartily as she had the day before. It is she that will pick me up in the worst of moods. And though I envy her for being so happy now, I am glad for her. I love her like a sister, though I do not trust her as strongly. I doubt I trust anyone that much anymore. It's hard, the pain, the desperation, so strong and deprivating that I come here to cry. Here, a keyboard, a computer, something that cannot feel, something that cannot betray or be betrayed. The pain I feel will be absorbed by it, and yet it will not call me needy, or clingy, or say I am doing this for attention. This computer of mine, knows how real this is to me, knows my past struggles and my current ones. It is my one true counselor.
Elise wants to meet with me again, "on friendlier terms". I don't want to, the thought of it just makes me want to disembowel myself. She is a broken dream embodied, my one hope for understanding diminished to the point of negative matter. I don't want her to shove in my face my poor qualities, nor do I want her to laugh at my pain. I'd rather be smothered by this feeling I have now rather than risk success or failure with her. I am afraid of what she may bring.
I'm afraid of what I may bring.
My paranoia is getting increasingly stronger, I'm hearing words, seeing things that aren't really happening. Today was a lot like that, Erin was stressed, about grades we're guessing, but all I could think of was what I did this time, what I did to make her not even want to LOOK at me. She'll be laughing with Rachel, I come over to say hi, she goes silent, blows me off. And I feel like my heart's been ripped to shreds. I'm weak, I'll admit. I'm afraid to go anywhere near her anymore. And I know, deep down in my heart, she hates me. This fact has been weighing on my mind heavily, especially in orchestra and Ap euro, where I don't have almost anyone to talk to. Similar events have been happening with Courtney, she no longer talks to me, laughs with me, she won't even look at me. I wouldn't say it's hate she feels towards me, but something akin towards that, and now, it's grown even stronger. I was so joyous at the beginning of the year over making a new friend, having someone new I could talk to, but now I feel uneasy simply being around her, much like Erin, I feel what trouble I have caused. And know that I am becoming increasingly alone.
To this point only Elle has not frightened me to the point of mistrust. She may be the only one who will laugh with me as heartily as she had the day before. It is she that will pick me up in the worst of moods. And though I envy her for being so happy now, I am glad for her. I love her like a sister, though I do not trust her as strongly. I doubt I trust anyone that much anymore. It's hard, the pain, the desperation, so strong and deprivating that I come here to cry. Here, a keyboard, a computer, something that cannot feel, something that cannot betray or be betrayed. The pain I feel will be absorbed by it, and yet it will not call me needy, or clingy, or say I am doing this for attention. This computer of mine, knows how real this is to me, knows my past struggles and my current ones. It is my one true counselor.
Elise wants to meet with me again, "on friendlier terms". I don't want to, the thought of it just makes me want to disembowel myself. She is a broken dream embodied, my one hope for understanding diminished to the point of negative matter. I don't want her to shove in my face my poor qualities, nor do I want her to laugh at my pain. I'd rather be smothered by this feeling I have now rather than risk success or failure with her. I am afraid of what she may bring.
I'm afraid of what I may bring.