>>(x_x)¬ BANG!
Lately I've been sinking into a depression that I can't seem to shake off. It's getting harder and harder everyday to even talk to people, my family especially. We were so close and now I'm lucky to say two words at dinner.
School is hopeless, I'm barely managing now. I've come up with a few excuses to keep my parents from checking my grades online, but when progress reports come out, there's nothing I can do. Maybe my mom will be in AA that day and I can get the mail and just throw it out. Either way, Dad's gonna be pissed about me not being on the "A-Team".
*sighs*
I don't think I'm going to go to counseling after the new year. Frankly, there's no point anymore; I'm just going to lie to them. I don't want anyone to know how I feel. I don't want them to see just how lonely I am. I told everyone I feel better now, even after my breakdown, but I feel so shaky, so broken up inside...
I need to go the mall tomorrow and waste some money, so I can start on my outfit for PR (which I won't win) and so I can buy something- anything. I need out of this house.
My parent's friends, the VanArsdale's, came over today. Mom and Dad and them went out to a movie and dinner, then came home to play Euchre. I wasn't invited, I got to have a cold sandwich for dinner. I guess that's okay, because it was made from steak, but whatever.
I'm not sure I'm going to bother to turn in my application for hot topic. It won't matter, my mom is never home so I'd never be able to get a job with her, and Courtney's talking about moving to a different store. Speaking of Courtney, I'm worried about her, she was gone friday and didn't answer her cell or my text. Or... she just hates me. Is this one of those things where she's only my friend for convenience? It's not like she trusts me or anything, hell, no one does. I'm so sick of sitting on the outside, it makes me feel like smashing my fist into a mirror.
*rubs temples*
I'm so frustrated and confused with everything, what I want, what I need, all of it. There's no one to ask, no one to trust. I miss being close to Erin, I miss being able to talk to her, I miss her talking to me. Ever since highschool started... I don't know, maybe it's completely my fault. I mean, after what happened freshman year... *slams fist on desk* I just keep fucking up. I don't think anyone really has forgiven me for making Megan cry. I don't think I've forgiven myself for it, everytime I think about it I end up hurting myself, physically or otherwise.
*sighs*
I'd like to throw myself off a bridge right now.
School is hopeless, I'm barely managing now. I've come up with a few excuses to keep my parents from checking my grades online, but when progress reports come out, there's nothing I can do. Maybe my mom will be in AA that day and I can get the mail and just throw it out. Either way, Dad's gonna be pissed about me not being on the "A-Team".
*sighs*
I don't think I'm going to go to counseling after the new year. Frankly, there's no point anymore; I'm just going to lie to them. I don't want anyone to know how I feel. I don't want them to see just how lonely I am. I told everyone I feel better now, even after my breakdown, but I feel so shaky, so broken up inside...
I need to go the mall tomorrow and waste some money, so I can start on my outfit for PR (which I won't win) and so I can buy something- anything. I need out of this house.
My parent's friends, the VanArsdale's, came over today. Mom and Dad and them went out to a movie and dinner, then came home to play Euchre. I wasn't invited, I got to have a cold sandwich for dinner. I guess that's okay, because it was made from steak, but whatever.
I'm not sure I'm going to bother to turn in my application for hot topic. It won't matter, my mom is never home so I'd never be able to get a job with her, and Courtney's talking about moving to a different store. Speaking of Courtney, I'm worried about her, she was gone friday and didn't answer her cell or my text. Or... she just hates me. Is this one of those things where she's only my friend for convenience? It's not like she trusts me or anything, hell, no one does. I'm so sick of sitting on the outside, it makes me feel like smashing my fist into a mirror.
*rubs temples*
I'm so frustrated and confused with everything, what I want, what I need, all of it. There's no one to ask, no one to trust. I miss being close to Erin, I miss being able to talk to her, I miss her talking to me. Ever since highschool started... I don't know, maybe it's completely my fault. I mean, after what happened freshman year... *slams fist on desk* I just keep fucking up. I don't think anyone really has forgiven me for making Megan cry. I don't think I've forgiven myself for it, everytime I think about it I end up hurting myself, physically or otherwise.
*sighs*
I'd like to throw myself off a bridge right now.