(no subject)
I was having a conversation with the Matts today (Fricano and Bishop) and I struck upon a potentially lucrative venture that will in a single swoop immortalize the common dead and brighten up some of those dreary, cookie-cutter cemetaries with no personality like Oaklawn.
Now, everyone is afraid of the ignominy of death; you're gone and in a generation or two you are lucky if people even remember your name. As if human memory weren't short enough, those who are buried are lumped in with 20,000 other stiffs without so much as a unique headstone to grace their graves. No, all they get is the same bland plastic floral arrangement, dependant upon their family's monthly deposits or whatever.
To take care of these problems, I propose this; instead of bobbleheads and teddy bears on tombstones to give them personality, how much more memorable would it be to have a cage hung from a small, around 3 foot, pole on their gravesites, and in that cage a bird of some sort? Not only that, but the kind of bird could somehow reflect upon the temperament of the deceased. The ornery would get macaws, the pompous could get cockatoos, the couple killed in a car wreck could get lovebirds, et cetera. And if they are willing to go that little extra mile (for people are always trying to show off the size of their wallets, especially in that final display of arrogance that are funerals), they could have a loquacious bird placed in the cage.
But not just any babbling birdy, mind you. Oh no. These people want to be ETERNAL! To help them out in their quests of self-preservation, each and every one of these feathered ghouls would have one and only one saying memorized, and that one saying would be the last words of their respective corpses. Nowadays, you'll step right over a plot without a second thought, but I guarantee you that should you walk by a sepulcher and a cockatiel croaks at you "Not those pills, the green ones, you fool!" or "OK, now hold the ladder steady, honey. I'm counting on you," you'll at least stop and calculate how old the person was when he died, if for no other reason than to check and affirm to yourself that you are old and wise enough that such a boneheaded mistake is surely beneath one of your maturity.
Of course, this wouldn't work in Arlington Nat'l Cemetery, or any graves with mass amounts of soldiers in them, because the avian imitations of screams, gargles, and death rattles would all sort of run together. A quick stroll through such a graveyard would leave your ears ringing with "MOMMY!"s and "Oh my god!!!!" and that would defeat the whole purpose of originality.
I can assure you of one thing, though. The graves of the really perverted killers and their victims would become far more popular: "No Josh, I already said I don't wanna see the inside of your waterbed."
Now, everyone is afraid of the ignominy of death; you're gone and in a generation or two you are lucky if people even remember your name. As if human memory weren't short enough, those who are buried are lumped in with 20,000 other stiffs without so much as a unique headstone to grace their graves. No, all they get is the same bland plastic floral arrangement, dependant upon their family's monthly deposits or whatever.
To take care of these problems, I propose this; instead of bobbleheads and teddy bears on tombstones to give them personality, how much more memorable would it be to have a cage hung from a small, around 3 foot, pole on their gravesites, and in that cage a bird of some sort? Not only that, but the kind of bird could somehow reflect upon the temperament of the deceased. The ornery would get macaws, the pompous could get cockatoos, the couple killed in a car wreck could get lovebirds, et cetera. And if they are willing to go that little extra mile (for people are always trying to show off the size of their wallets, especially in that final display of arrogance that are funerals), they could have a loquacious bird placed in the cage.
But not just any babbling birdy, mind you. Oh no. These people want to be ETERNAL! To help them out in their quests of self-preservation, each and every one of these feathered ghouls would have one and only one saying memorized, and that one saying would be the last words of their respective corpses. Nowadays, you'll step right over a plot without a second thought, but I guarantee you that should you walk by a sepulcher and a cockatiel croaks at you "Not those pills, the green ones, you fool!" or "OK, now hold the ladder steady, honey. I'm counting on you," you'll at least stop and calculate how old the person was when he died, if for no other reason than to check and affirm to yourself that you are old and wise enough that such a boneheaded mistake is surely beneath one of your maturity.
Of course, this wouldn't work in Arlington Nat'l Cemetery, or any graves with mass amounts of soldiers in them, because the avian imitations of screams, gargles, and death rattles would all sort of run together. A quick stroll through such a graveyard would leave your ears ringing with "MOMMY!"s and "Oh my god!!!!" and that would defeat the whole purpose of originality.
I can assure you of one thing, though. The graves of the really perverted killers and their victims would become far more popular: "No Josh, I already said I don't wanna see the inside of your waterbed."