Why I should be Concordia's next president
[Note: As many of you know, the President of my alma matter is leaving at the end of 2007. While President of Concordia is not exactly something they take applications for, here's why I feel I'm better than whatever lame-ass balding, fattening white man they will eventually wind up bringing in.]
1. I would give Concordia's presidency a much-needed candor injection. Gone would be the days of weasel words and self-congratulatory God-talk. Concordia either needs to get realistic or die.
2. Three words: Buffest. President. Ever.
3. Sure, Concordia would have a president who's completely unqualified for the job. But that's okay. So does the United States of America.
4. We would also ditch the elitism. Shit, if it's elitism you want, then the University of Michigan is right down the street, and they'd be more than happy to condascend on you. Under my watch, nobody is better than anyone else. We would have genuine community rather than a bunch of talk about it. The table is large enough for everyone: students, faculty, staff, Aramark workers, visitors, alumni, supporters. We all matter.
5. I would not kiss the asses of Concordia system people and/or church officials.
6. I would not let the school lose its soul in the name of alumni donations.
7. I'd be more focused on academics and learning than sports and religion.
8. Secrecy would go out the window. I'd run the first transparent administration.
9. I'd make it so people actually wanted to stay on campus during the weekends.
10. If we're going to have an awesome school, this means getting awesome students. This means an admissions and recruitment overhaul.
11. I'm already rich, so I can afford living on a Concordia salary.
12. Concordia has never once had a president who could even remotely be construed as fun to be around.
Those are just a dozen reasons, one for every disciple. I'm sure there are more. In the end, I'm sure Concordia will pick somebody more in the tradition of a Concordia president.
After all, having me as president would actually be in the school's best interest.
1. I would give Concordia's presidency a much-needed candor injection. Gone would be the days of weasel words and self-congratulatory God-talk. Concordia either needs to get realistic or die.
2. Three words: Buffest. President. Ever.
3. Sure, Concordia would have a president who's completely unqualified for the job. But that's okay. So does the United States of America.
4. We would also ditch the elitism. Shit, if it's elitism you want, then the University of Michigan is right down the street, and they'd be more than happy to condascend on you. Under my watch, nobody is better than anyone else. We would have genuine community rather than a bunch of talk about it. The table is large enough for everyone: students, faculty, staff, Aramark workers, visitors, alumni, supporters. We all matter.
5. I would not kiss the asses of Concordia system people and/or church officials.
6. I would not let the school lose its soul in the name of alumni donations.
7. I'd be more focused on academics and learning than sports and religion.
8. Secrecy would go out the window. I'd run the first transparent administration.
9. I'd make it so people actually wanted to stay on campus during the weekends.
10. If we're going to have an awesome school, this means getting awesome students. This means an admissions and recruitment overhaul.
11. I'm already rich, so I can afford living on a Concordia salary.
12. Concordia has never once had a president who could even remotely be construed as fun to be around.
Those are just a dozen reasons, one for every disciple. I'm sure there are more. In the end, I'm sure Concordia will pick somebody more in the tradition of a Concordia president.
After all, having me as president would actually be in the school's best interest.