Super Junior; Kihae; Waving Goodbye
Title: Waving Goodbye
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: KiHae
Word Count: 1,069
Rating: PG
Summary: Donghae leaves for China, and Kibum deals with a lot of his issues in a slow-motion account.
Genre: Angst/Fluff
A/N: I dont really have much of an A/N for this, just that it was written quickly, kinda sorta just fell out of my brain, and I beta'd it a bit. I don't know if it makes sense, but I want to post it now. I'll edit it if anything major crops up. FYI the first bunch of italicized lines are from a song, edited just a bit. Anyways, as to the fic: I do hope you like it ♥
*this was written specifically for schm0use, because she is the Ki to my Hae and i love her. For srs.
Suitcase in hand
He leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye
With an absent-minded smile…
I watch him go
With a surge of that well-known sadness
…And I have to sit down for a while.
***
I sit here, sit in this white chair in this dim kitchen, the early morning light making everything a hazy blue-grey, a color that makes me feel like I cant quite catch my breath. I sit here and I look at you, look at that dumb smile you have plastered all over your face, just like always. You’re so stupid. You’re so…you’re so different. You can’t even see, see the way you walk differently, hold yourself just a little bit taller. I miss the way you were. It’s not much of a difference, but it’s a difference, no matter how small or how insignificant. It’s changed you, and I liked you the way you were. There was nothing wrong with the way you were, so why did you have to change? Why did you have to grow up? You weren’t a child, no, but you were still mine, and now somehow you seem bigger than me, bigger so that my arms can’t catch you and hold you like they used to. I don’t like it.
I don’t like the way you make your way across the thick carpet to the door, tugging your baggage behind you. If you added mine, my baggage, you wouldn’t even be able to make it out the front door. I think I might like that. That would be better, you not being able to go; it would be better than sitting here and watching you struggle to leave on time. You were never punctual. I always had to push you, tell you Hae, you’re going to be late for the shooting. Now you’re so excited you can’t wait to leave, and I’m the one who wishes you would linger just a little bit longer, but you don’t. You reach the door and turn to look at me. I arrange my face into a light, careless smile. An actor. Always an actor. Kim Kibum the actor, who’s acted so much he can’t even separate the real feelings from the front anymore. Kim Kibum, who can’t even reach out to you and tell you don’t go, because Kim Kibum has to be cool and collected at all times, right? Always the actor.
“Kibum.”
I love the way you say my name. You say it so real, the way I wish I could say all my words, so laden with everything unspoken in a way that makes it all still so impossibly clear. Clear. I wish the air would clear, this blue-gray fog that prevents me from breathing, from seeing you as you leave. You smile at me. That stupid, stupid smile. I can breathe again.
You’re refreshing. It sounds cliché, and that’s because it is. Sometimes I feel like the most cliché person on earth. But for once, its not a just a line. It’s a line that I mean, a line that I say because this time I really feel it. But it’s hard to feel when you look at me like that; you make me numb and yet you make me tingle all over. You’re so stupid. I’m so stupid. You lift your hand and I feel a brief thrill as I think you’re about to hit me, make me feel again, wake me from the stupor your presence creates. You don’t, of course. You wave it, ever so slightly. It’s not big, like the other times, when you want to leave our company. It’s small, and ever so subtly, like the times when you don’t. I understand. Another line. I don’t want you to leave either. I don’t say it because I’m so afraid that it’ll come out another lie, another spoken, recited lie like all the others. I love you. I miss you. I need you. All the lines I’ve said so many times, I cant bring myself to say them because I don’t want you to be just another shadow I fake it to. I don’t want you to be another lie. I don’t want you to disappear like everyone else whose names I can’t even remember. The things I could say to make you stay, I cant. They’re not me. You deserve more than that. You and your stupid, stupid smile.
I love you.
You say it. You can say it, you can say everything I cant, everything I’m afraid to. I lift the corners of my mouth, letting you know that I know, and I do too. I still don’t say it. You look at me, one last time. You’re going to be late.
You should go now. The worst part is, this time you do. You look at me, and you smile ever so softly. Not that other smile, but a smile that bears your heart. I love that one the most. Only I get to see it, only I get to feel it. And then I watch the small chink of daylight disappear from the carpet, submerging me once again into that blue-grey fog. The small sliver of just-after-dawn slips away and you go with it and I take a deep breath, sucking in that blue-grey asphyxiation until I feel like I’m drowning. My hands have been shaking this whole time, and I don’t even notice until now, until it’s too late for you to hold them and lead me out of this quicksand that’s pulling me under. You’re stronger than I am, in so many ways.
My arms relax and lay limp, one casually slung across the back of my white chair, the other resting lazily on the table. I let out the shaky breath I’ve been holding for the past few minutes. I think I have to sit down for a while. And then I remember that I already am.
I love you.
I don’t say it this time. I don’t want to make this another cliché moment, since my life is so full of clichés anyway. Maybe next time. Maybe then I’ll have gotten over myself long enough to let you know that I haven’t gotten over you. I never will. But that’s okay, because you never will either.
I don’t do it this time, so maybe next time. Maybe next time I’ll give you my heart.
***
Started/Finished: 9/30/08
(Schm0use, you are the Ki to my Hae. You are the nut to my case. You are the OMG to my WTFBBQ. lol i dont even know anymore....♥)
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: KiHae
Word Count: 1,069
Rating: PG
Summary: Donghae leaves for China, and Kibum deals with a lot of his issues in a slow-motion account.
Genre: Angst/Fluff
A/N: I dont really have much of an A/N for this, just that it was written quickly, kinda sorta just fell out of my brain, and I beta'd it a bit. I don't know if it makes sense, but I want to post it now. I'll edit it if anything major crops up. FYI the first bunch of italicized lines are from a song, edited just a bit. Anyways, as to the fic: I do hope you like it ♥
*this was written specifically for schm0use, because she is the Ki to my Hae and i love her. For srs.
Suitcase in hand
He leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye
With an absent-minded smile…
I watch him go
With a surge of that well-known sadness
…And I have to sit down for a while.
***
I sit here, sit in this white chair in this dim kitchen, the early morning light making everything a hazy blue-grey, a color that makes me feel like I cant quite catch my breath. I sit here and I look at you, look at that dumb smile you have plastered all over your face, just like always. You’re so stupid. You’re so…you’re so different. You can’t even see, see the way you walk differently, hold yourself just a little bit taller. I miss the way you were. It’s not much of a difference, but it’s a difference, no matter how small or how insignificant. It’s changed you, and I liked you the way you were. There was nothing wrong with the way you were, so why did you have to change? Why did you have to grow up? You weren’t a child, no, but you were still mine, and now somehow you seem bigger than me, bigger so that my arms can’t catch you and hold you like they used to. I don’t like it.
I don’t like the way you make your way across the thick carpet to the door, tugging your baggage behind you. If you added mine, my baggage, you wouldn’t even be able to make it out the front door. I think I might like that. That would be better, you not being able to go; it would be better than sitting here and watching you struggle to leave on time. You were never punctual. I always had to push you, tell you Hae, you’re going to be late for the shooting. Now you’re so excited you can’t wait to leave, and I’m the one who wishes you would linger just a little bit longer, but you don’t. You reach the door and turn to look at me. I arrange my face into a light, careless smile. An actor. Always an actor. Kim Kibum the actor, who’s acted so much he can’t even separate the real feelings from the front anymore. Kim Kibum, who can’t even reach out to you and tell you don’t go, because Kim Kibum has to be cool and collected at all times, right? Always the actor.
“Kibum.”
I love the way you say my name. You say it so real, the way I wish I could say all my words, so laden with everything unspoken in a way that makes it all still so impossibly clear. Clear. I wish the air would clear, this blue-gray fog that prevents me from breathing, from seeing you as you leave. You smile at me. That stupid, stupid smile. I can breathe again.
You’re refreshing. It sounds cliché, and that’s because it is. Sometimes I feel like the most cliché person on earth. But for once, its not a just a line. It’s a line that I mean, a line that I say because this time I really feel it. But it’s hard to feel when you look at me like that; you make me numb and yet you make me tingle all over. You’re so stupid. I’m so stupid. You lift your hand and I feel a brief thrill as I think you’re about to hit me, make me feel again, wake me from the stupor your presence creates. You don’t, of course. You wave it, ever so slightly. It’s not big, like the other times, when you want to leave our company. It’s small, and ever so subtly, like the times when you don’t. I understand. Another line. I don’t want you to leave either. I don’t say it because I’m so afraid that it’ll come out another lie, another spoken, recited lie like all the others. I love you. I miss you. I need you. All the lines I’ve said so many times, I cant bring myself to say them because I don’t want you to be just another shadow I fake it to. I don’t want you to be another lie. I don’t want you to disappear like everyone else whose names I can’t even remember. The things I could say to make you stay, I cant. They’re not me. You deserve more than that. You and your stupid, stupid smile.
I love you.
You say it. You can say it, you can say everything I cant, everything I’m afraid to. I lift the corners of my mouth, letting you know that I know, and I do too. I still don’t say it. You look at me, one last time. You’re going to be late.
You should go now. The worst part is, this time you do. You look at me, and you smile ever so softly. Not that other smile, but a smile that bears your heart. I love that one the most. Only I get to see it, only I get to feel it. And then I watch the small chink of daylight disappear from the carpet, submerging me once again into that blue-grey fog. The small sliver of just-after-dawn slips away and you go with it and I take a deep breath, sucking in that blue-grey asphyxiation until I feel like I’m drowning. My hands have been shaking this whole time, and I don’t even notice until now, until it’s too late for you to hold them and lead me out of this quicksand that’s pulling me under. You’re stronger than I am, in so many ways.
My arms relax and lay limp, one casually slung across the back of my white chair, the other resting lazily on the table. I let out the shaky breath I’ve been holding for the past few minutes. I think I have to sit down for a while. And then I remember that I already am.
I love you.
I don’t say it this time. I don’t want to make this another cliché moment, since my life is so full of clichés anyway. Maybe next time. Maybe then I’ll have gotten over myself long enough to let you know that I haven’t gotten over you. I never will. But that’s okay, because you never will either.
I don’t do it this time, so maybe next time. Maybe next time I’ll give you my heart.
***
Started/Finished: 9/30/08
(Schm0use, you are the Ki to my Hae. You are the nut to my case. You are the OMG to my WTFBBQ. lol i dont even know anymore....♥)