Thinking
It's terrible. It's absolutely terrible.
Fandom. It's...a wonderful thing. It makes you feel happy and giddy and feel like you haven't felt in years, makes you make sounds you haven't made since you were six years old, or really, ever, in some cases. It makes you dream makes you think of a fantasy world where everything is happy, and everyone is beautiful, and everyone tries their hardest. It makes you dream of a world where people care, and where people can smile, with or without weight on their hearts (whatever suits your fancy, angst or fluff). It makes you hope for something better, something new, something fun. It brings you closer to people, even as it alienates you from everyone else as you don't realize it, ranting about the things that make your heart swell, while everyone else couldn't give a rat's ass because they don't know what you're talking about and they wouldn't accept it even if they did anyway. And at that same time, you don't really care, because there are people here for you. People that know.
And the terrible thing about it, is that once you fall completely, head over heels in love...
You have about a year or two or three, maybe a little bit more...
Before someone from the real world comes in and yanks you out and tells you to grow up, get a grip, and stop squealing over that band who disbanded 2 years ago and who no one ever took seriously in the first place, dipshit.
It hurts so bad. I know, one day, very soon, I'm going to be 20, and I'm going to have to wake up, and look around me, and tell myself that I'm not a teenager any more. That i have to start thinking about other things, prioritize, and that I can't sit here and let these blissful waves wash over me anymore.
People will disappear from fandom. My favorite writers will disappear. My favorite bands will disappear, only to be replaced by new ones that I won't know. People will leave, and move on, and disappear, leaving, virutally, nothing. I have come to the conclusion that one thing ultimately and definitely rips fandom away from you forever, because you just can't afford it any more, time-wise or money-wise or emotion-wise.
Graduating from college.
Sure there are some who are fortunate enough to have one or two people to latch onto to help them carry fandom past that for a few years, to be able to indulge with those people in that same situation: unwilling to let go. But it isn't until long until you get an overwhelming wave of "wow. this is...pathetic". And...I don't want to call anyone pathetic. That's the last thing I want to do, because chances are I'll be somewhere where you are right now. But the problem is, is that there is no support out there in the vast world of "Good God, I have to find a career".
A career. A family, perhaps. A life outside of the little bubble that fandom has managed to encapsulate you in. A life that others approve of. Because as we are so busy not caring what others think about the beautiful, dorky, or just plain amazing bits of fandom, they have moved on without us. And after fandom, life can get very, very lonely.
After your favorite band disbands, you feel like you've lost some of your best friends. In a way they are your best friends, always smiling at you, encouraging you, doing silly things for you, telling you they love you, and you spend all the time in the world together. Sometimes, they even make you cry. And then they're gone, and you have only a few people left who truly understand. And you all have to go through the tough, jarring transition together, holding on for, and onto, dear life.
The transition from fandom, and all the happiness that comes with it...to everything else. Everything real. Everything that isn't what you spent your time on for the past couple of years.
Because that's all you get out of fandom, is a couple of years. It feels like forever, but it's not. And sometimes, I really hate that I ever found fandom. Because even as it makes me so incandescently, indescribably happy...I know that leaving it will hurt so much more, and will be ten times worse, ten times as sad and painful and nauseating as it was happy.
And the question we all have to ask is...Is it, has it been, or will it be....worth it?
Sometimes, I just don't know.
Sometimes, when I think about it, I'm not sure if I will always be able to say "yes, it was worth it".
I guess we'll find out...
Fandom. It's...a wonderful thing. It makes you feel happy and giddy and feel like you haven't felt in years, makes you make sounds you haven't made since you were six years old, or really, ever, in some cases. It makes you dream makes you think of a fantasy world where everything is happy, and everyone is beautiful, and everyone tries their hardest. It makes you dream of a world where people care, and where people can smile, with or without weight on their hearts (whatever suits your fancy, angst or fluff). It makes you hope for something better, something new, something fun. It brings you closer to people, even as it alienates you from everyone else as you don't realize it, ranting about the things that make your heart swell, while everyone else couldn't give a rat's ass because they don't know what you're talking about and they wouldn't accept it even if they did anyway. And at that same time, you don't really care, because there are people here for you. People that know.
And the terrible thing about it, is that once you fall completely, head over heels in love...
You have about a year or two or three, maybe a little bit more...
Before someone from the real world comes in and yanks you out and tells you to grow up, get a grip, and stop squealing over that band who disbanded 2 years ago and who no one ever took seriously in the first place, dipshit.
It hurts so bad. I know, one day, very soon, I'm going to be 20, and I'm going to have to wake up, and look around me, and tell myself that I'm not a teenager any more. That i have to start thinking about other things, prioritize, and that I can't sit here and let these blissful waves wash over me anymore.
People will disappear from fandom. My favorite writers will disappear. My favorite bands will disappear, only to be replaced by new ones that I won't know. People will leave, and move on, and disappear, leaving, virutally, nothing. I have come to the conclusion that one thing ultimately and definitely rips fandom away from you forever, because you just can't afford it any more, time-wise or money-wise or emotion-wise.
Graduating from college.
Sure there are some who are fortunate enough to have one or two people to latch onto to help them carry fandom past that for a few years, to be able to indulge with those people in that same situation: unwilling to let go. But it isn't until long until you get an overwhelming wave of "wow. this is...pathetic". And...I don't want to call anyone pathetic. That's the last thing I want to do, because chances are I'll be somewhere where you are right now. But the problem is, is that there is no support out there in the vast world of "Good God, I have to find a career".
A career. A family, perhaps. A life outside of the little bubble that fandom has managed to encapsulate you in. A life that others approve of. Because as we are so busy not caring what others think about the beautiful, dorky, or just plain amazing bits of fandom, they have moved on without us. And after fandom, life can get very, very lonely.
After your favorite band disbands, you feel like you've lost some of your best friends. In a way they are your best friends, always smiling at you, encouraging you, doing silly things for you, telling you they love you, and you spend all the time in the world together. Sometimes, they even make you cry. And then they're gone, and you have only a few people left who truly understand. And you all have to go through the tough, jarring transition together, holding on for, and onto, dear life.
The transition from fandom, and all the happiness that comes with it...to everything else. Everything real. Everything that isn't what you spent your time on for the past couple of years.
Because that's all you get out of fandom, is a couple of years. It feels like forever, but it's not. And sometimes, I really hate that I ever found fandom. Because even as it makes me so incandescently, indescribably happy...I know that leaving it will hurt so much more, and will be ten times worse, ten times as sad and painful and nauseating as it was happy.
And the question we all have to ask is...Is it, has it been, or will it be....worth it?
Sometimes, I just don't know.
Sometimes, when I think about it, I'm not sure if I will always be able to say "yes, it was worth it".
I guess we'll find out...