everyone I know is a ghost
holding a 25 pound baby and mopping sucks. I really need a baby sling...guess I missed that boat, since Ella's too big for one of those anyway. But man. My arms are aching. :O(
It doesn't help that's she's been in clingy baby mode all week.
My parents call her Cling Wrap, or Koala... when grandma comes to babysit, Ella wants to be held the whole two hours. I don't know if that's some stage she's going through or if she feels like Lily is stealing all the spotlight. Lily IS pretty demanding, so I don't know. All I know is my arms and back hurt.
I feel like a married single parent. I'm married but basically raising my kids by myself. Of course if I didn't have Johnny busting his ass all day every day we wouldn't have any of the stuff we need, like a house and food and clothes and stuff. I can't get mad at him for trying so hard to take care of us. But I feel really lonely.
I didn't know that I would be the one to make and enforce all the rules, the one to set all the examples. I don't know how good a role model I am. If my kids turn out wonky, it will all be on me, because I'm the only one around. And that's scary!
I mean, I know 'raising the kids' duties usually fall on the mom... but there are two parents for a reason. It's a two person job! I shouldn't complain because I know a lot of truly single moms that struggle, but I can't help but wish I had someone to back me up with some of this stuff. Or at least hold Ella while I'm mopping the floor.
I threw out my couch yesterday. That was a bitch because it was super heavy, and it wouldn't fit through the front door, which I found out after I had gotten it halfway through the front door. I had to unwedge it from the front door and drag it down the hallway to squeeze it through the door to the garage, and then schlepp it down the stupid long driveway to the curb. Johnny asked me to do this so I'm assuming he had no idea how ridiculous hard it would be, especially with the kids running out the door while I was up to my eyeballs in couch cushions. or maybe I should feel really flattered that he thought it would be an easy task for me to accomplish.
But, I did it! I am amazed by my super woman strength! It's just a little, silly thing, but I'm proud of myself. I am also proud of the new door I hung up, the cabinet door I repaired and the sink I unclogged. These are all things Ive never done before, but you'd be amazed at the things you can do if you just try! Or because you're the only person around to do them!
It's hard to be alone all the time. I feel really isolated. I feel depressed.
Last night a friend I hadn't seen in ages called and said she was in town and invited me out for drinks. My mom said she would babysit but Johnny didn't want me to go. I invited him but he said he would be coming home from work and was very tired and didn't want to go to some uncomfortable dinner with people he didn't know. Which i totally understand! I also know that he works so much that when he is home, he wants us all to be home with him. I get that. Also he mentioned how crazy I get when he says he is going out with an old friend. I let him go of course, but I still get nervous and scared... he hasn't done that stuff for a long time but it's hard for me to trust him like that. Plus it's very different..I'd be going out with a married mom of two to a place 3 minutes away for an hour, while he would like to meet up with crazy drunk single dudes and go bar hopping for two days. It's different! I know he thinks it's not fair, like a double standard. I didn't get mad or anything. He told me to go but I knew it wasn't a genuine "I want you to go!" I was a little disappointed. I'm stopping facebook for awhile so I don't have to constantly turn down people who invite me places. I think maybe it's better I don't go off with old friends. They would be let down. I am such a different person than I used to be.
Who did I used to be? I can't even remember.
I feel like I am ok at being a solitary person. In high school I wasn't one of those girls who just HAD to go to the bathroom with a buddy. I don't mind going to restaurants by myself, or even a movie. I like to be by myself. So I don't really know why it's been bothering me so much lately. And I'm not even truly alone, I have tw babies and a dog for company. I'm just losing it.
Sometimes I feel like this is all a dream. The strangest feeling comes over me sometimes...like, I'm dreaming all of this and I will wake up and it will all be gone. It's so weird. Is this even real? Maybe I'm getting schizophrenic or something. I read about some guy who thought he was dreaming all the time so he did whatever he wanted and couldn't separate reality from dreams anymore. yeah he's in a nuthouse.
Is it weird that I'm kind of jealous? That would be very freeing, I think.
I know I'm a little messed up because when I watch shows like Intervention, I feel jealous of that person! I KNOW it's crazy, but that show makes me want to be an alcoholic or a crack head or whatever. hahahah It would be nice to be that selfish and not care about anything but your own pleasure. I know those people don't want to be like that and are miserable and ruin themselves and their families. I know. I don't really want to be a drug addict. I can't explain. It makes sense to me, though.
I just finished the Trylle Trilogy by Amanda Hocking. It was dumb, but I liked it anyway.
It doesn't help that's she's been in clingy baby mode all week.
My parents call her Cling Wrap, or Koala... when grandma comes to babysit, Ella wants to be held the whole two hours. I don't know if that's some stage she's going through or if she feels like Lily is stealing all the spotlight. Lily IS pretty demanding, so I don't know. All I know is my arms and back hurt.
I feel like a married single parent. I'm married but basically raising my kids by myself. Of course if I didn't have Johnny busting his ass all day every day we wouldn't have any of the stuff we need, like a house and food and clothes and stuff. I can't get mad at him for trying so hard to take care of us. But I feel really lonely.
I didn't know that I would be the one to make and enforce all the rules, the one to set all the examples. I don't know how good a role model I am. If my kids turn out wonky, it will all be on me, because I'm the only one around. And that's scary!
I mean, I know 'raising the kids' duties usually fall on the mom... but there are two parents for a reason. It's a two person job! I shouldn't complain because I know a lot of truly single moms that struggle, but I can't help but wish I had someone to back me up with some of this stuff. Or at least hold Ella while I'm mopping the floor.
I threw out my couch yesterday. That was a bitch because it was super heavy, and it wouldn't fit through the front door, which I found out after I had gotten it halfway through the front door. I had to unwedge it from the front door and drag it down the hallway to squeeze it through the door to the garage, and then schlepp it down the stupid long driveway to the curb. Johnny asked me to do this so I'm assuming he had no idea how ridiculous hard it would be, especially with the kids running out the door while I was up to my eyeballs in couch cushions. or maybe I should feel really flattered that he thought it would be an easy task for me to accomplish.
But, I did it! I am amazed by my super woman strength! It's just a little, silly thing, but I'm proud of myself. I am also proud of the new door I hung up, the cabinet door I repaired and the sink I unclogged. These are all things Ive never done before, but you'd be amazed at the things you can do if you just try! Or because you're the only person around to do them!
It's hard to be alone all the time. I feel really isolated. I feel depressed.
Last night a friend I hadn't seen in ages called and said she was in town and invited me out for drinks. My mom said she would babysit but Johnny didn't want me to go. I invited him but he said he would be coming home from work and was very tired and didn't want to go to some uncomfortable dinner with people he didn't know. Which i totally understand! I also know that he works so much that when he is home, he wants us all to be home with him. I get that. Also he mentioned how crazy I get when he says he is going out with an old friend. I let him go of course, but I still get nervous and scared... he hasn't done that stuff for a long time but it's hard for me to trust him like that. Plus it's very different..I'd be going out with a married mom of two to a place 3 minutes away for an hour, while he would like to meet up with crazy drunk single dudes and go bar hopping for two days. It's different! I know he thinks it's not fair, like a double standard. I didn't get mad or anything. He told me to go but I knew it wasn't a genuine "I want you to go!" I was a little disappointed. I'm stopping facebook for awhile so I don't have to constantly turn down people who invite me places. I think maybe it's better I don't go off with old friends. They would be let down. I am such a different person than I used to be.
Who did I used to be? I can't even remember.
I feel like I am ok at being a solitary person. In high school I wasn't one of those girls who just HAD to go to the bathroom with a buddy. I don't mind going to restaurants by myself, or even a movie. I like to be by myself. So I don't really know why it's been bothering me so much lately. And I'm not even truly alone, I have tw babies and a dog for company. I'm just losing it.
Sometimes I feel like this is all a dream. The strangest feeling comes over me sometimes...like, I'm dreaming all of this and I will wake up and it will all be gone. It's so weird. Is this even real? Maybe I'm getting schizophrenic or something. I read about some guy who thought he was dreaming all the time so he did whatever he wanted and couldn't separate reality from dreams anymore. yeah he's in a nuthouse.
Is it weird that I'm kind of jealous? That would be very freeing, I think.
I know I'm a little messed up because when I watch shows like Intervention, I feel jealous of that person! I KNOW it's crazy, but that show makes me want to be an alcoholic or a crack head or whatever. hahahah It would be nice to be that selfish and not care about anything but your own pleasure. I know those people don't want to be like that and are miserable and ruin themselves and their families. I know. I don't really want to be a drug addict. I can't explain. It makes sense to me, though.
I just finished the Trylle Trilogy by Amanda Hocking. It was dumb, but I liked it anyway.